Still Calling

The Dating Game

If you’re single like me -and I know I am- you’ve probably flirted with dating sites like OKCupid etc. a few times, and eventually walked away. They are, in my opinion, the absolute worst, boiling down to a series of job interviews that may or may not get you laid. I know other people have had some success, but my experience was that I met one truly cool person during my OKC days, and she wound up moving out west to reconnect with her ex-boyfriend. Everyone else was neurotic, hung-up, or otherwise undatable. Plus, sites like that inevitably made me depressed, wondering why the algorithm wasn’t working for me. As soon as I got off that miserable site, I started meeting women the old-fashioned way: by talking to them, in person, and making a real connection.

But if OKC etc. sucked for me, it sucks far worse for women, because apparently many of the men on dating sites have all the nuance of a great white shark in the middle of a feeding frenzy. I mean, it’s one thing to be up front and confident, but asking a woman you just met via email to fuck you in the ass with a strap-on is a little much. You think I’m kidding? A woman I know on Facebook via one of several running groups I belong to has been posting screenshots of some of the more insane messages she’s received. Like this one:

strap on

Or this one:

very hung

Or THIS one:

clit sucker

Now, many women have written about the harassment they get on dating sites and online in general. It’s all part and parcel of the relative anonymity we like to think we have on the Internets thanks to the pseudonyms and usernames we relay on. Most people -even most men- don’t act like this in actual interpersonal transactions. So I began to wonder how this would play out in reality.

The setting: a housewarming party for Kristin and Jake. Our dramatis personae, Jeff and Suzanne, have met for the first time and are enjoying a few drinks on the roof deck. They are both young and good-looking professionals. There is clearly romance in the air.

Jeff: This is an awesome party. Kristen and Jake have a GREAT place. I mean, just look at the view of the city from this amazing roof deck.

Suzanne: Seriously, the view is INCREDIBLE! And did you see the Picasso in the hallway? That’s REAL. I don’t know HOW they can afford a place this nice. So, how do you know Jake and Kristen? I know her from work, and she’s been with Jake for as long as I’ve known her.

Jeff: Oh, we went to college together. Jake and I lived in the same dorm, and he met her at a frat party. Say, you’re awfully pretty. How’s about we get outta here, and you fuck me in the ass with this dildo? [pulls strap-on out of his jacket pocket.]

Suzanne: What?? Ewww, no! I– I don’t even KNOW you!

Jeff: No? Well, you need to know I’m REALLY well-hung. Like, my cock looks like a baby’s arm clutching an apple. Uncut too. Wanna see? [begins unbuckling his belt.]

Suzanne: NO! Stop, put that away! No one wants to look at that.

Jeff: Well, how about I dance for you? I used to be a male stripper -it’s how I put myself through college- and then maybe I can suck on your clit? I have an oral fixation, so I’m REALLY good at eating pussy.

Suzanne: I think this conversation has gone far enough. I’m going to go talk to… well to ANYONE except you. You’re really freaking me out, so please: just leave me alone. [puts down her drink, turns and walks away.]

Jeff, angrily: OH SO THAT’S HOW IT IS??? YOU FUCKING BITCH, YOU THINK YOU’RE SO FUCKING GREAT, YOU STUPID WHORE. WHAT’S NOT TO LIKE, I’VE GOT A HUGE DICK, ISN’T THAT ENOUGH? [Suzanne disappears into the crowd.] Ahhh, nuts. They’re all like that. Fuckin’ bitches. I wonder if anyone’s on Tinder tonight? I really need someone to shove this dildo up my butt.

and… SCENE!

Seriously guys, knock this shit off. You’re making the rest of us look bad.

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