The Political Twofer: My first diary … not cross posted anywhere, even at dKos …
We’ve spent much of the last decade or so wishing the rapture right would just go away.
At other times we’ve told them they need to get a new hobby.
When they inform us that they’ve lost Jeezus for the umpteenth time and want to know if we’ve found him, it never strikes them as being odd that he might just be avoiding them on purpose.
What follows is my ad campaign to win back Congress using rapture capitalism … Give ’em what they want, supply what they demand.
Dominion over this miraculous planet not enough?
Detest the life you were blessed with?
Bored senseless with endless consumption and consumerism?
Finding existence insufferable, depressing and Godless?
See the work of the Devil in every corner?
And we at Rapture Freedom have the solution for you!
Ever wished you’d joined the Halley’s Comet crew? – † etheriating towards the passing of the tail, they’re now cruising the universe in a vortex of eternal stardust – then this once in a lifetime oportunity is for you!
Don’t have enough money to save?
Always praying for THE day, but you’re afraid it wont come?
Tired of working to pay credit card & insurance companies?
Feel like spiraling utility bills are forcing blood from your stones?
Can’t provide an education for your loved ones and frightened to death of illness?
The answer’s closer than you think!
Want to get there ahead of the pack? Ever dreamed of a front row seat to gloat over the suffering of those left behind?
If you’re tired of sitting around waiting .. Take control of YOUR Rapture!
The answer is here! The ultimate “how to” manual you’ve all been
waiting for! “Don’t go alone!” – Buy it now!!!
It’s filled it with the most useful end time tidbits since the Bible!
- 10 sure fire ways to attract your like-minded friends and go together!
- Morphine is rapturous and peaceful, go with a smile! ††
- Be safe, be sure! A controlled environment is less dangerous than while driving a car.
- Free choice between Jeezus-o-gram or Angel-o-gram to come visit your end time gathering.
- Where to buy your plastic wings and inner light halos® with built in biometric sensor set to expire just as you do.
- Advice on wearing clean white panties.
- Time Life optional Choir Eternal CD to be advertised on all decent televangelist stations.
- ‘Rapture day only’ Vatican authorized dispensation certificate for lapsed Catholics negating theological argument regarding sanctity of life included with all book purchases. (p 43 ch 7)
- Selection of post rapture funeral home numbers so you don’t embarrass yourself in front of the neighbors by stinking up the place.
- Special updated appendix on how to deal with disappointment.
The date will be released nearer the great event by email. It’s a guarded secret to stop those Godless do-gooder libruls from trying to “save” us. Shh… Mid 2006 though. Easily enough time to turn off the gas, tie up loose ends and get your papers in order.
Please don’t forget to take advantage of our legally binding donation page for all superfluous assets, which can be found at the Rapture Freedom Store website. Thank you for your contributions in keeping this site free and functional.
Good luck y’all, God speed and don’t forget,
“It’s YOUR Rapture, don’t leave it to chance, Don’t Go Alone”!!!
† etheriating: To become ethereal (not a real word but sounded good)
†† Morphine: Prescriptions will be signed by corrupt Pakistani Doctors and filled by French Canadian drug companies when supplied through our store.