OK…So I was raised a catholic..yup….baptised, confirmed, went to CCD, church, sometimes 3 times a week. I still have memories of the smell of the strong incense the priest swayed back and forth during some of the special services. I especially liked midnight mass on Christmas eve..not because of the mass, for me it was all about getting to stay up late in hopes of seeing St. Nick (Santa). I remember any red light in the sky…my Mom or Grandma said “There is Rudolph”. Rudolph=Church?.
I thought it odd that some of the priests that I looked up to, on some occasions..like the church fair and several pot luck dinners..would get blitzed…drinking one to many beers and acted like fools. My Irish priests always had a way of drinking a little to much and saying things I questioned. I think it was around the time I was about 12 or 13 . Things began to change.
I was getting ready to go into the confessional on Sunday…(this would be the small, dark, scary room you go into to confess your sins with the priests (that you know) on the other side, there is a wall so you can’t see them, but there is also a little net when you kneel near your face..with a cut out and there is mesh or net over the cut out about a foot by 6 inches of opening) Most of the time…you say a few of your sins and he tells you to slam out a couple of “Hail Mary’s” or “Our Fathers” and all would be forgiven..the bigger the sin, the more prayers are piled on you. I can’t imagine what the wife beaters and murderers had to do to be forgiven or how many hundreds of prayers they had to say. Anyway back to my story.
As I am walking up to the confessional booth (the light above was off, so I could go in)..I got freaked out…no, i didn’t have some horrible scary sin to confess..I was just consumed by fear of going into that small booth and pretending God was on the other side. Why couldn’t I just speak to him in my pew or my bedroom or backyard or while driving in my Moms car. Why did I have to go into this scary, dark, small, cramped black pit and pretend he was on the other side listening to me. I Keep thinking of a drunk priest or hungover priest on the other side just waiting to get to lunch or go back to bed and sleep it off. So I didn’t go..that’s right..I gave it up..right then and there. No confession from me in that dark place anymore. I would talk to God directly, somewhere more peaceful and bright. I also noticed around this time, during the part of Mass where the priest can talk about anything…I would always come down to how much money our Church needed. Then they brought out the wooden bucket on a long pool and stuck it in front of every person in the row until they dumped money in it. Many times (growing up poor) I would put my hand in it pretending to put something in it. Today I make my donations to charities..Docs w/o Borders aka: Medecins sans frontieres.(is my Fav)
The reason I write this diary is yesterday I was getting my mail..and by mistake I recieved a paper sent out by the LA Catholic Church/Mission. The headlines on the front page made me gasp…
700,000 sig’s IN, 200,000 to GO..(Parent’s right to Know will be the first pro-life effort to reach the state ballot in CA history)
Soooooooooo Impressed! 6,000 pro-life marchers hit the streets in San Francisco “the walk was the best witness to the Gospel I’ve ever seen”
Are they Serious” Pro-life Democrats hopeful for change to party” w/ pix of Pelosi and kerry
Parents Right to know petitions-inside
Next pg-My phone company does what? Does your phone company support Abortion, pornography, or the GAY AGENDA?(Caps theirs not mine)If yes, Choose Sienna-A Catholic Phone Company. It is dedicated to promoting catholic culture and will contribute a percentage of your bill to the Catholic or Pro-Life charity. Get great phone service and help the unborn. Sienna (named after St. Catherine of Siena)
next pg- (A picture of a giant Cross) copy says” Carry this 1,500 miles all summer for no pay” Hurry! only 20 positions left. It’s an add looking for people to carry the giant cross from May-July across America to support Pro-Life and meet mothers that are just minutes away from killing their own babies.
And then I saw the ad in the back for “Living Air Purifiers” that also help clean your sins away” right next to “homemade bible dolls”-Adorable! Lovingly handmade-we have priests, sisters, Marys, angels, bishops, cardinals and …..coming soon…..THE SAINTS. Start your collection now!
How could I, at such a young age, have known that The Catholic Church was such a scary place. Back then I didn’t know squat about politics and what an important part the Church played in them. I still don’t understand why they chose a dark scary room to represent God, and make it the one and only place that you can get a direct line to him and be forgiven. Although for all I know…nowadays..maybe all they have to do is sign up for Sienna-A Catholic Phone Company and they can avoid the dark room and just dial him direct.
If I believe anything it is that “GOD LOVES EVERYONE”, and the Government and Church should always be seperate, and Women should make all decisions in regards to their Bodies.