In the spirit of the new bi-partisan co-operation which seems to be poking its head up a little in the congress and senate, I got to thinking… How, as a very partisan Democrat, could I begin to do my part to support this effort? I settled upon the current impasse over the Bush Administration’s attempt to appoint John Bolton as ambassador to the UN. While I agree with everyone that there are temperamental and management style difficulties with Mr. Bolton that justifiably should preclude his appointment to this particular post, I thought, Bush seems determined on helping this man. So, why couldn’t we throw them a little bone on this one? How about maybe a different type of ambassador position or something? My solution is after the fold…
How about, John Bolton as sort of a health ambassador or something… sort of a representative for the National Oatmeal Council and Diabetes Supplies? What the heck, Wilford Brimley is over eighty years old now and probably won’t be able to carry on much longer…
I would envision government shilled “public service announcements” (which seem to be all the rave with the Bush Administration anyway) that might go something like this…
“Hi, I’m John Bolton, and I’m here to talk to you about Oatmeal and Diabetes. If you were expecting that old codger Wilford Brimley, well tough s—! No more warm and fuzzy public service announcements, the gloves are off!
Do you and your family eat oatmeal every day? Think about it before you answer me, because I can make a quick phone call to the NSA and find out the truth… If you don’t, well then that’s just f—ing Un-American. The health consequences could be scandalous, unpatriotic, and a risk to national security. Our government has worked hard to provide us all with the cheapest refined and processed sugars and carbohydrates that corporations can provide to ensure that no one goes hungry. Oatmeal compensates for all that nasty f—ing cholesterol that can build up and enables you to do your part and not be a drain on this f—ing antiquated and broke national healthcare system called Medicaid, and Medicare, at least until we’re able to push through our private for profit individual health insurance plans. Start eating oatmeal NOW G–dammit, and support corporate farms and oat growers across America. Don’t make me jump out of this television and go Quaker on you, a–hole!
Oh, and what about f—ing Wilford Brimley… did you ever notice that he looks older and more decrepit every time you see him? Why the hell is that? It’s because he’s eighty years old and he’s got Diabetes, you f—ing idiots! Maybe if he actually ate some of the G–D—oatmeal he was pushing he wouldn’t be a drain on society now… Discipline… it’s nothing but a lack of f—ing discipline.
If you’re Diabetic, and you’re expecting an eight hundred number for Diabetic supplies about now… well… I got your supplies right here (grabs crotch)! The US government is so over supporting your bad habits and f—ing dragging the rest of us down with you! Make my f—ing day, a–hole! Call the toll free number at the bottom of the screen… your government has a new program for your a–! We’ll immediately show up and whisk you away to Camp Cat-Scan in sunny Guantanamo Bay, Cuba. There you’ll be treated to physical activity and reeducation to purge you of your dependence on insulin. You’ll be begging to eat the oatmeal when we’re f—ing done with you. Even if you don’t have Diabetes but you know someone who does, especially a loved one, turn their a– in to us, we’ll make it worth your while. Call now, our toll free operators are standing by… in India… and they speak passable English. And remember, don’t f— with me, all I gotta do is make a call…”
