Breaking : Deep Throat Disappears

Santa Rosa, CA (Rotters) – In a bizarre twist of events this morning the distraught family of Mark Felt, age 91, stated that he disappeared last night. Mr. Felt, former second in command of the FBI during the Watergate scandal had just, the previous day, stepped forward and announced that he was the infamous “Deep Throat” whistleblower, thought to be largely responsible for bringing down the presidency of Richard Nixon.

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Santa Rosa police sources stated that there did indeed appear to be signs of a struggle at the residence, and released photos showing the damaged walker purportedly belonging to Mr. Felt. Family members stated that while Mr. Felt had some recent setbacks with his health, including a stroke, he was very fit for a man of 91, and routinely practiced his self defense exercises learned in his FBI training every day. Somebody probably got hurt if Dad didn’t want to go, a family member stated.

Actual police photo

Police sources, while not ruling out foul play, also stated that they were considering the possibility that Mr. Felt might have just wandered off in the early hours of the morning. A police spokesperson also refused to comment on other clues mentioned separately by family members, which included a rumpled business card for a North Carolina private air transport agency, a broken syringe needle, a small bottle of SPF 45 sun-block, and the fact that the main entryway lock to the residence appeared to have been kept open with duct tape. The first ever “Amber Alert” for a senior citizen has been issued.

The information obtained from “Deep Throat” as well as his guidance in the 1970’s was what enabled the famed Washington Post reporting team of Woodward and Bernstein to break open the “Watergate Scandal”.  Watergate is largely credited as the impetus for the resignation of Richard Nixon and Mr. Felt’s recent admissions have left some insiders and conspiracy theorists both stunned and perplexed. John Dean, who served time for a related conviction was quoted as saying, “No way does this single man account for the information accredited to “Deep Throat”, this goes much farther and deeper…”

Of some note is the fact that there are a number of current White House administration officials who were involved at the time as well with the Nixon administration. Most notable among these are Vice President Dick Cheney and Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld.

White House press secretary Scott McClellan was asked to comment on the story and he stated, “While the President is obviously concerned about these developments, I have a hard time imagining what about this story would lead folks to make any association with this administration. Of course everything that the FBI and CIA have to offer is available to resolve this. I might add that this may be a sad illustration of the danger of press leaks, something which this administration has fought hard to combat since its inception.”