In a comment on the ‘Getting to know us’ thread, I mentioned that I am a ‘frat boy’ (preferrably ‘fraternity man’, but I’m not too sensitive in regards to terminology). While I understand that this carries a negative connatation, it’s important to realize that stereotypes are just a way of labeling somebody subjectively based on one or a few of their objective qualities.
I’ve decided to post my first diary here on some of the important lessons that I learned while going through the initiation process into my fraternity. I think it will be evident how these lessons are appropriate in the context of societal interaction and progressive politics, and perhaps even relevant to a few of the current discussions here on Booman.
First, let me explain a tad about my fraternity (you can skip this paragraph if you want to just get to the point). I didn’t go into college looking to join one, and held a pretty poor opinion of them. But, as college freshman are wont to do, I went to a few fraternity parties, and this group of guys really struck me as genuine. They weren’t out to buy friends or ‘get some tail’. They were very respectful of everyone who came through their door, male and female, and this intrigued me. They weren’t out to mold people into a pre-conceived image; rather, they were there to help people grow, and grow themselves in the process. As I got to know them, I decided it was a place I’d very much like to be a part of, and many of them, to this day, remain my best friends (and some strong progressive voices, to boot).
OK, moving on. This lesson is really three lessons, but is based on one ritual that we all were led through early on in our associate member term (aka ‘pledge term’). The name of the ritual is ‘Assist, Guide, Defend.’ The details of the ritual aren’t important (they never are). It’s the lesson itself.
‘Assist’ means, that you help your fraternity brother when he needs help, whether that means helping with homework, or just providing a steady ballast for when the stormy seas get too rough to navigate alone. I remember several years back when one of my brothers was going through a rough spot with his girlfriend, who lived across the state. He asked to borrow my car to go work things out with her in person, and I gave him the keys without hesitation. Two years later they wed, and they remain happily married to this day.
‘Guide’ is being able to share experiences in a constructive way with someone who may not have those experiences. Providing insight into someone’s problem that they may not have been able to see, for whatever reason, can bring them through some dark times. It’s important to provide an encouraging voice, whether you’re talking to someone who has just lost a family member, is dealing with a drinking problem, or has just lost their way and needs help finding their way back.
‘Defend’ means just that. We’re a group; we defend each other against people who want to do us harm. Not necessarily in the physical sense (in fact almost never in that sense), but rather those who would attack our ideals, hopes, and goals. There is a lot of this on a competitive college campus. It’s easy, when you’re not directly under attack, to sit idly by. ‘Defend’ teaches us that is wrong. You have to stand up, declare unity, and defend your brother, because an affront on him is an affront on you.
The most important lesson learned, and the one that makes the previous three all work smoothly, is that of ultimate respect. What is ultimate respect? It is mutual understanding. It is being able to agree to disagree. It is the realization that no one person, his thoughts, or his opinions, trump anyone else’s. And it allowed us to take people from different ethnic, economic, and religious backgrounds, and treat them as family. We’re all different; but that doesn’t mean we’re not equal.
I’ve intentionally left this in the ‘boys club’ context because that is how it is a part of my past. I hope you’ll agree that these lessons are universal when applied to society as a whole. And maybe, just maybe, you’ll agree that not ALL frat boys are womanizing alcoholics. Thanks for your time.
Those are valuable guidelines for life, and we would all do better to remember them. No one can argue with respect being the most important of them all.
That said, I think fraternities and sororities are places where shallowness and money are revered above all. My daughter has stories of despicable things that happen at her college, and the vast majority seem to happen at the frat houses, which are notorious for drinking and out of control parties where students casually hook up for the night after getting wasted.
This is just my personal opinion, and I’m sure there are examples to the contrary. I just think they’ve outlived thier usefulness.
I do take your point that to use the term “frat boy” in a certain context is akin to saying “women’s studies” in the same derogatory manner. No one wants to be painted with a broad brush.
Certainly you’re correct in that there are some very terrible things that happen in college fraternities. Some of my friends who joined other houses on campus had to go through nightmarish hazing rituals just to get in. These types of fraternities, that treat their new members as sub-standard people, are the real problem. If you can’t treat the men who are to be your brothers with respect and love, who can you?
I’m happy that I was able to make my point succesfully in this diary, that we have to constantly be watching out for our own applications of generalities and stereotypes, especially when we’re so determined on fighting against their use by others.
You made your point quite eloquently, and I apologize if I was painting with too broad a brush.
No worries, and no offense taken. As I’ve stated in some of the other comments, I can’t deny that the stereotype is there for a reason. But I’m happy to disprove the notion that anyone can be defined by one small part of their life or who they are.
Besides, I still don’t sneer 🙂
Well-written and much-appreciated.
university with a very strong Greek system.
The fraternity boys I’ve met ranged from embodying the most evil stereotypes of fraternity (and sorority) members, to being the most stand-up guys I still know to this day.
Glad to hear you’re one of the good guys, and thanks for sharing!
During my time at NU in the mid-70s, about a third of the campus joined up with the Greeks–including me, a hick from downstate without a single designer label in my closet.
My sorority wasn’t very big, but damn, were we diverse! My sisters included lesbians, African-American women, an Iranian woman, Christians, Jews, and athiests. I was a fire-breathing left-winger, while another member described herself as two steps to the right of Attila the Hun. As the women’s basketball team was vastly superior to the men’s team, we probably qualified as the campus “jock” house, thanks to our two star b-ball players.
At least two of the women who belonged to the house back then have gone on to be published authors (one is a recognized authority on hiking long trails). Another is a medical researcher. All were brilliant, beautiful women, and although I’ve lost track of most, I’m sure they’ve had successful lives.
So, yes, I’ll readily agree that not all fraternity men are frat boys.
Gotta learn to use that spell check.
Not only are fraternities different from fraternity to fraternity, they are different from campus to campus and from year to year. When I joined up with my fraternity at University of Michigan in 1979-80, it was coming off some very lean years — the 1970s were lean times for all fraternities. The brothers at my chapter were, to be polite, kinda nerdy. Me included, to be fair, although I’ve blossomed into a very cool, sexy guy! At other campuses, the same fraternity was much more of a jock-house. Over time, the U of Michigan chapter became more preppy, for lack of a better word…to the extent that I imagine many of those who were active when I was might not get invited to join in later years. And it’s come to the point where just this past year, the U of Michigan chapter has been shut down, by our national fraternity, for “risk management” violations (alcohol, most likely). It’s very sad, because for many years, we were leaders on campus — academically and in other ways.
Our fraternity was formed in the wake of the Civil War, and for 150 years it has adhered to principles of brotherhood, social service, etc. But like any organization, it is also a group of people. If the people in any particular chapter don’t uphold the principles and goals of the organization, it will fail. But their actions don’t necessarily reflect on other chapters, due to the networked nature of fraternities.
that had the guys who were truly cool on my campus, were the ones whose reputations…weren’t.
The best guys were in the so-called gay house, or the house that had just come back after being kicked off for many years, and so forth.
The most evil guys were in the houses with the “best” reputations, the most money, the ones the sorority girls wanted to date.
If you pay enough to buy into a reputation, you don’t have to establish one of your own.
I know a guy who went to U of Michigan in the late nineties. I’m not sure if he was in a house (I doubt it). I’ll have to ask him what the greek system was like then.
I went to U of M in the late 90’s as well (96-00) 🙂 I’d be happy to describe the greek system to you, if you’re interested.
I’ll be out of town for the weekend (as of 5 hours from now) but if you’re really curious, drop me a line here or at my listed email.
Thanks for this. What a good example of how to address sensitive language issues. By the very way you did this you became an example of what you’re writing about. The next time I’m tempted to use “frat boy,” I’ll remember that phrase covers men like you, too.
You have my utmost respect and highest regard for your well written diary. Your openness and willingness to share your experiences as a fraternity brother, that is diametrically opposed to the frat boy stereotype, is commendable. I am wondering if that fraternity has an American Native root structure. So much of what you described emulates my own culture. Thank you for helping to root out the stereotyping of fraternity men. That not all “frat boys” fit the stereotype.
I’m not sure about having an American Native root structure…if I had to venture a guess, I would say that if it does, it was unintentional, because it was founded on the East coast by 3 Caucasian men, but that doesn’t preclude them from trying to emulate your culture.
It is kind of interesting to think that perhaps they just shared many of the same ideals, and came to many of the same conclusions on their own, isn’t it? That’s one of the ways spiritual truths are found and affirmed, methinks.
Thank you. I noticed your calm and friendly defense of the term ‘frat boy’ on the welcome diary, but quite frankly, it didn’t register – my bad. To be honest, I wondered if it was a segue into a longer, defensive, obnoxious rant that could degenerate into angry semantic parsing.
NOW I get it! and I’m so happy that my initial suspicions were so very, very wrong. Thank you for a beautiful diary that does a remarkable job of illustrating the enormous potential here for greater understanding. As Kansas mentioned – you’ve just clued me in to something I hadn’t thought of before.
Nope, no defensive rant here. I can’t deny that there is very good reason for the existence of that particular stereotype. And those who perpetuate it are, sadly, in the majority. But the important thing is that the stereotype is not universal, as stereotypes never are (in my experience, anyway).
..and sloppy language. I’d like to think that I at least try to be cautious about the language I use, and of course, I’ve thought more about it lately seeing so many pejorative phrases used to describe some kind of woman. But I’ve only just realized that I didn’t think twice about seeing ‘frat boy’ used to convey juvenile, testosterone-driven, over-the-top aggressive bullshit.
My life has been big, strange and diverse, but… a fraternity guy? Um, nope, can’t think of a single person I’ve known. So without even accepting a stereotype based on some limited experience, of which I have none – I accepted the language of that stereotype without even thinking about it.
Thought provoking – thanks. All that, and I’ve learned a new word lately – ‘puerile’ – cool.
that’s been one of the great things about bootrib so far…we have people-myself included who may do rants-but no one that I can recall here has done ‘obnoxious’. I think that would be considered very bad manners here and ignored.
Hear hear! My own experience with the greek system was pretty limited – I went to a big state school where it’s only a small minority who join and there’s plenty else to do if you’re not interested. That said, my brother and my ex were both in fraternities that sound a lot like yours. The guys in them were very supportive and genuine, and their object truly seemed to be ‘fraternity’, rather than…how did you put it? Buying friends and getting a**? 🙂
I’ll admit I’ve done my fair share of frat bashing over the years, but I also have to admit there are good ones.
Highly recommende. If I could recommend it more I would. Your style, your elequence your wisdom came to these tired sore frustrated ears just when I was losing faith. You, my friend take the Boy out of Frat Boy. You are a gentleman and a scholor. Thank you for your contribution to Booman and please make your self at home.
some are cool, some are run of the mill assholes, some are lovable in their beery enthusiasm, some are crass misogynists, and some are downright pathological headcases. the ones i spent my colege days with were an even mix of post smoking amateur philosopher rock climbers and outdoorsmen and half beer-drinkin’ preppy pretty boys. everyone was into hallucinogens, and nobody hazed anybody but themselves, for the most part. when some of the guys quietly came out of the closet, everybody was pretty cool about it. we were a good frat, as frats go.
when a bunch got together, got drunk and started acting out the “fratty” roles they’d seen in movies, however, they could be a royal pain and pretty boorish.
as far as i can tell, mixed-gender crowds are far healthier social organisms.
I admit I have a somewhat stereotypical view of fratboys in my mind (my own personal sampling hasn’t led me to think otherwise, either). Your informative entry has provided me with a new way of looking at things, though. Thanks.
Is not to be it.
Kudos. My long-haired hippie (at the time) dad was in a frat, much to the confusion of most people who meet him in our liberal circles. It started because the frat house had a spare room to rent, and he needed housing. But he discovered the guys in the house were great, and so he joined the next year. My mom was actually “pinned”. After graduation, they both joined the Peace Corps and taught family planning in India for two years. Sheesh. You can’t get much more groovy than that.
That is an amazing story.
One of my fraternity brothers just finished up his second tour with the Peace Corps, he was teaching math in Cameroon, and then Tanzania. What he’ll do next is anyone’s guess.
I learned from you today. I learned about one more shred of unconscious sexism still lurking about inside that I now can root out of me.
THIS, is why we need to communicate across the generations ane really listen to each other. I am 64, and till right now, I did not see my own use of the term, “frat boy” as sexist or derisive. Now I do, and I can change this. Thank you for being a skilled teacher and helping me become a less sexist woman.
I read it shortly before I went to sleep (yeah, weird hours recently). I remember thinking you did your fraternity experience proud, and I really learned something.
I still do, but it the weird sort of way the mind works, I pieced something new together when I woke up and thought about it again.
In your story, you point out ‘assist’, ‘guide’, ‘defend’. Your explanations are wonderful, and the sort of foundation any liberal community would be proud to emulate.
So, how could so many ‘frat-boys’ go so wrong?
Maybe by following those same principles.
Assist: Assist by giving car keys to a friend in need to do a good thing is great. But the point isn’t “no questions asked”, its not “if I can help my friend”, its “if I can help the situation”.
Guide: Helping your bud improve, or opening him up to new views is good. We all teach by example, yet not all examples are good.
Defend: Standing up for people doing right, even when it doesn’t directly concern you is good. Blindly supporting someone just because of your personal relationship with them is not always good.
Maybe that’s the difference. Those ideals are great ones, but the the good isn’t inherent, rather its in the interpretation.
Giving your keys to your buddy so he can drive across the state so he can “straighten out” the girl that left him is assist*ing, but it isn’t good.
Suggesting ways to get back at her involving her car, her cat, her job, or her parents may be a way to *guide
him, but it isn’t good.
When her new boyfriend shows up to confront him, jumping in to give a proper beat-down is one way to defend him, but its hardly a good one.
I think my exaggerated faux examples are closer to the connotation of ‘frat-boy’ than your well-considered piece.
And that’s a shame.
But maybe that’s where self-policing can help. What if the bigger meaning of Defend was to protect what’s good and right, even above protecting individual members (or fraternities)?
Anyhow, to bring this full circle, I’m glad you posted a more balanced view of frat-boys.
In the context it came up in, I think your 3 keys can also explain how the appellation got applied. Some folks blindly defended people they felt were “under attack”, without pausing to consider the validity of the ‘attacks’. When given a chance to guide by example, too many instead set a tone of hostility to “outsiders” and those not already in total agreement. And too many were more than willing to “assist” in stubbornly shutting down give-and-take discussion and offering up rationalizations and excuses for actions of their ‘frat brothers’.
It bothers me that too many places (blogs, governments) seem modeled after the bad fraternity model.
Am I off base with all this?
No, you are not off base with it at all. Thanks for your well-thought out, and provocative, post.
After thinking about it for a while, I guess that what it boils down to, is that the lessons I’ve provided do not inherently provide any kind of ethical standard in their application (that’s what you’re saying, right?). It is up to the moral compass of the one applying them to determine how they are to be applied. Similarly, the Golden Rule doesn’t necessarily hold true when applied by a masochist; theories that can help to cure cancer can also be used to create atomic weapons.
So the issue then (in this case), is not the lessons I’ve outlined, but rather the moral sensitivity of who is applying them. And in the fraternity world, this is up to the current members of the house. People will tend to invite those of similar moral constitution to join with them. This also provides a great insight into why the stereotype perpetuates itself. The stereotype aids in attracting certain kinds of people in the first place, which in turn attracts even more of those kinds of people through that group’s recruitment efforts.
I’ll try to continue later…right now, I have to head out. You’ve definitely given me some great food for thought though, especially when I think about how all this ties back into the political arena. I think there is quite a strong analogy to be made there…
I went to a medium-size state school and I formed an opinion wicked fast freshman year about frats: buncha dudes all trying to get drunk and get laid / no respect / blahblahblah, a bunch of shit I’m sure you’ve heard ten times over. Some of the first people I met at school didn’t exactly help that impression. However, I always would meet a couple cool frat kids here and there (not much of a partier, so it was usually when I was smoking a butt outside of the academic halls.. how I met most of my friends, actually).
It wasn’t until my third year that I really started to realize that I was stereotyping an entire group of people based on a few assholes I’d encountered my freshman year, and ignoring the 10 or so really cool guys I’d met who were involved in the frat system. That isn’t to say a lot of them didn’t make choices I disagreed with, but they were overall wicked cool guys. And when I took a job as a Resident Assistant my Senior year, I got to know a bunch of the frat kids really well, and they became some of my closest residents. So I’ve learned how unfortunate it is that the Greek system gets stereotyped (although we had a couple incidents that reinforced those stereotypes), but the bottom line is you have to judge each individual for themselves, and not condemn them based on some sort of affiliation. Good diary, man, and welcome.
I meant to add this at the end.. looks like the pasting didn’t go so well.. 🙁
“…not condemn them based on some sort of affiliation.. which, when used for the proper purpose, can have a very positive effect on someone’s life, as you have pointed out very eloquently.”