Dear Batshit Loopy Leader of the Free World,
I’ve been reading about your press conference with Tony Blair this week. The one where you categorically denied the assertions in The Downing Street Minutes. Remember, in answering the question, you said, “And somebody said, well, you know, we had made up our mind to go to use military force to deal with Saddam. There’s nothing farther from the truth.” Well, since your poll numbers are hitting historic lows, I took the opportunity to jot down some constructive criticisms that I think might get you back on top (or at least off rock bottom). Please consider the following.
First, stop the compulsive lying. It is pretty apparent to anyone who doesn’t have their head completely up your ass, that if your lips are moving, you are spewing forth the most dishonest shit (either that, or you’re blathering gibberish, which isn’t a lot better). I mean, living with the consequences of your fucked-up policies really sucks. But, I think the compulsive lying thing, where you tell us that your policies are not actually fucked-up is what really drives your poll numbers down. I mean, think about it. Iraq War of Liberation. Clean Skies. Healthy Forests. Strengthening Social Security. They Fear Democracy. Energy Security. No Child Left Behind. Just shut the fuck up already. Stop your lips from moving = less compulsive lying = slightly better poll numbers. I am pretty sure about this.
Second, if you are absolutely required to move your lips, like say at a joint appearance with another lying foreign leader, don’t use the phrase “[t]here’s nothing farther from the truth” to compulsively lie about how you never lied in the first place. I mean, besides the fact that it is mind numbing trying to figure out the double or triple negatives that are implied by the phrase as used in that context (I mean, if I want to spend a few hours thinking about paradoxes, I’ll rent a movie about time travel, okay), it is simply an overuse of irony by a speaker of your limitations. I understand you, not grasping irony, did not intend it that way. But, sir, a significant number of the people that are being polled to determine your popularity think of you as a simian. And, the intentional use of irony is kind of a hard thing to picture coming out of the mouth of a lower primate (Disclaimer: No primates of greater intellect than batshit loopy prez, which includes about all great apes and most species of monkey – I am afraid, were harmed in the writing of this diary). Just pick a different phrase. At least don’t use the word “truth” as you are lying. It pissed me off, and I only read the transcript. Less rage = happier public = slightly better poll numbers.
Third, never, never, ever, EVER, compare the illegal war in Iraq (you remember, the one you started on a whim, apparently) with the Second World War. I am a pacifist, sir, (this means I think all war is bad war), but I know a significant percentage of the American people think that World War II may have been America’s last honorable foreign entanglement. Comparing this yawning disaster of a war that you have nearly single-handedly lied us into with one of our last honorable moments might have seemed like a good idea to Karl. You know, wrap it all up in the American flag and break out the apple pie. But, for those out here who know you have been lying to us since the beginning, and to those others who are just starting to wake the fuck up to that fact, your self-serving comparison really makes you look like a (compulsive lying) dim feeb and an all around asshole. Dim feeb + asshole = pissed off public = bad polls for you. I mean, you may be impeached for this lying stuff eventually, but even Nixon made a comeback. It’s never too early to start. I know it’s hard, but try Georgie. Try.
Fourth, please stop relating stories that make the behind the scenes work at the White House sound more like an episode of the Beverly Hillbillies, than say, the West Wing. For example, when you said you were asked about the appropriate levels of U.S. aid to Africa and you said, “I remember when I first talked to Condi when I was trying to convince her to become the National Security Advisor, she said, are you going to pay attention to the continent of Africa? I said, you bet.” Stop it. ‘I said, you bet,’ sir? If you did say that to “Condi” I hope she fucking slapped you and told you to start talking like the chief executive of a fucking gigantic country. If you don’t stop this now, someday, they are going to start calling you Jetro. It won’t look good on the front of the Presidential library, sir. If that is really how the discussion went on a topic as important as U.S. aid to Africa, then you are really scaring the shit out of us all. And if you were trying to be endearing to the press corps, and through them, the world, just stop. Better to concentrate on keeping the lips as still as possible. If asked about U.S. aid to Africa in the future, and Blair is in the room with you, just shut the fuck up. He can handle it. I don’t think standing mute at these press conferences and gaggles is really going to keep you from the beating you are going to take for lying us into war, but it’s better than being known forever as fucking Jetro, sir. And, any percentage point increase in your polls will help. Remember Bill Clinton. He never survives impeachment without really good poll numbers on job approval. So any little bit might save you.
Fifth. Stop laughing with the press corps. They are not your friends. Not anymore. The worm has turned, sir. Remember this little gem – the first words out of your mouth when asked about the DSM: “Well, I — you know, I read kind of the characterizations of the memo, particularly when they dropped it out in the middle of his race. I’m not sure who “they dropped it out” is, but — I’m not suggesting that you all dropped it out there. (Laughter.)” Everybody likes a clown, sir. At a circus mostly. But, when you’ve left roughly seventeen hundred American families without a mother or a father or a son or a daughter or an aunt or uncle (etc.) because you are a compulsive lying douche bag, this kind of kitschy humor is going to wear pretty thin. I’m personally thinking I’d keep the chopper warm. That guy from Bolivia got out okay, right? I know. I know. Never in America. But, sir, if the numbers get really bad, and the natural democratic release for public rage (say a vote of no confidence in the UK, or a little impeachment party here) isn’t available. Who the fuck knows? I don’t think they’re laughing with you anymore, sir. So maybe you should just keep the mouth shut. And hope no one anywhere close to you has the guts of, let’s say, W. Mark Felt. Lips shut + Less Clowning + no Deep Throat = better chance of being allowed to leave before they give you the hook.
It could get worse from here, sir. But, I’ll help where I can.