In some ways this parody is funny and then the sickening reality that Native Americans have and continue to live in this kind of rights limbo, is outrageous. I hope that it will help you understand the plight of Native Peoples and help get progressives that are willing to address these inequities in Native American rights. Progressives that will talk to, not at Tribal elders and leaders, who will hear what Native peoples needs are and how they feel they should be addressed. I hope no one takes this parody as an attack, it is a realistic depiction of what has happened to Native peoples over the last 350 years.
-author unknown-
United Native Americans (UNA)
Are proud to announce that it has bought the state of California from The Whites and is throwing it open to Indian settlement.
UNA bought California from three winos, found wandering in San Francisco. UNA determined that these three winos were the spokesman for the white people of California. These winos promptly signed the treaty, which was written in Lakota, and sold California for three cases of wine, one bottle of gin, and four cases of beer.
Lehman L. Brightman, Commissioner of White Affairs, has announced the following new policies; The Indians have generously agreed to give all Whites living in California four large reservations on which they are to make their new homes.
Each reservation will consist of 20 acres and will be located in the following places: Death Valley, The Utah Salt Flats, The Badlands of South Dakota, and the Yukon territory in Alaska. These reservations shall belong to the whites, “…for as long as the sun shines or the grass grows.” (or until the Indians want them back.)
All land on the reservations will be held in trust for the Whites by The Bureau of White Affairs, and any White who wants to use his land in any way, must secure permission from Commissioner Brightman.
Forced marches and evacuations of Whites are to begin immediately so as to open these lands to Indian settlement as quickly as possible.
When Whites arrive at the reservations they will be of course, allowed to sell trades and handicrafts at stands by the roadsides. Each White will be provided annually, with one thin blanket, one pair of tennis shoes, a supply of Spam and a copy of the book, “The Life of Crazy Horse.”
Commissioner Brightman invites all, politically well connected Indian people, to apply for the positions of Reservation agents. If you have less than one year of education, do not speak English, have an authoritarian personality, proof of dishonesty, and a certificate of incompetence, consider yourself well qualified for the position. Paternalistic attitudes and delusions of grandeur a plus. No Whites need apply.
Commissioner Brightman also announced the founding of four boarding schools, to which all White youngsters will be sent at the age of six (6). “We want to take those kids far away from the backward culture of their parents,” he said. The schools will be located on Alcatraz Island, the Florida Everglades, Point Barrow, Alaska, and Hong Kong.
All students arriving at the schools will be stripped of their clothing and forced to wear Indian garb. They will be forced to grow their hair long and in time wear it in braids. Upon arrival, at the schools all White children, will be given IQ tests to determine their understanding of Indian language, culture and survival skills. All those white children that do not measure up to Indian standards will be considered mentally compromised and shunted into courses appropriate to students destined to live lives engaged in menial hard labor. All courses will be taught in Lakota and any child caught speaking English will have their mouth washed out with soap, be whipped, and/or be locked in solitary confinement and denied food for a period of days.
Hospitals will be established for the reservations as follows: Whites at Death Valley Reservation may go to the Bangor, Maine Hospital; those at the Yukon Reservations may go to the Miami Beach Hospital; those at the Utah Salt Flats Reservations may go to the Juneau, Alaska Hospital; and those at the Badlands Reservation may receive medical care at the Honolulu, Hawaii, hospital.
All hospitals will be staffed by one medical student, a chiropractor, and two crabby army nurses. All hospitals will be supplied with one case of aspirin, a box of Epson salts, and one box of Band-Aids, a pair of pliers, one set of vice grips, and an Exacto knife and a liberal supply of suppositories. Dental care will consist of extraction’s only. All whites in need of vision correction will be given a pamphlet on how to squint.
All former White churches will be converted to amusement parks for the entertainment of Indians. Interesting statuary and religious artifacts will be purloined by Indian people and sold as curios and collectibles for display in Indian museums and in private collections.
To honor the memory of the former White inhabitants, streets, towns, and geographical locations will be given quaint White names. Also at Indian sporting events, mascots depicting white people dressed in period clothing will be trotted out at half-time. These mascots will be made up to resemble cultural icons of the White race as interpreted by Indian experts. A few such examples will be Clem Kadidlehopper, Gomer Pyle, Elmer Fudd, Barney Fife, Yosemite Sam, and the Three Stooges. In this way Indian children will be educated of how White people looked and acted. Any Whites that protest this honor will be regarded as cranks and spoilsports.
Indian academics will immediately begin excavations of White cemeteries. Bones and artifacts will be removed and studied. Special attention will be paid to the skulls of White people. These skulls will be measured and scrutinized so that Indian people can determine just what is wrong with white people.
After these studies have been completed, the remains will be sent to Pine Ridge, South Dakota. The remains will be stored in cardboard boxes in the basement of The Red Cloud Indian School where they will collect dust and be forgotten. White people whose ancestors wind up in boxes at The Red Cloud School and wish to have the remains sent to them for re-burial will have to fill out 742 different forms, in triplicate, do 28 pushups, and 76 jumping jacks, all the while balancing a bowl of wild rice on their heads. If all these requirements are met successfully, and satisfy the subjective judgments of uninterested Indian bureaucrats, the remains will be promptly returned in 2.4 generations, more-or-less.
This version of a twist on American history, was taken from the Leonard Peltier newsletter, “In the Spirit of Crazy Horse.” I first heard a version of this read by Calvin Jumping Bull in 1993 at International Brotherhood Days. I have taken liberties with various passages and have added additional paragraphs to the above text. I extend apologies to the unknown author of this piece.
Mike kohr
A very interesting link, Please read it.
http://www.unitednativeamerica.com/issues/blackfeather.html
Kind of a remake of “White Man’s Burden”
This is terrific ghost. And I would imagine anyone who would get offended doesn’t get the point of this reversal to begin with.
This is something I have always tried to do when discussing any issue like this with someone who has a different viewpoint from mine..that is to completely turn issue around like this and try to get them to really think or put themselves on the other side completely. Then again empathy to others viewpoint can go a long way in a healthy discussion-something sadly lacking in far to many people. Not sympathy but empathy.
Its disgraceful.
The parody was a bit funny, but in the way that makes me wince as I read it, appreciating the wryness and tragedy all at once.
As a white person, I’m not interested in signing up to be flogged for the sins of my ancestors. They were rather brutish. Or somebodies ancestors of my race were. I’m Norwegian, mine moved to Minnesota because they thought it was a nice alternative to their homelands. That’s right, they figured “Hey, its winter 6 months of the year, but we can dig into hills and live in sod huts, ya. Burn some trees for heat in da winter, an splash in the crick in the summer for stayin cool ya.”
Now, I do think my ancestors may have done some fairly “aggressive” trading (ahem) with the folks of coastal regions in Northern Europe, but their stay on this continent was short-lived, until other Europeans had conquered it (mostly).
Still, the US army did protect the ‘rights’ of my “settler” ancestors by viciously putting down that little Chippewa/Sioux rebellion out in our rural neck of the woods way back when. So I know I’m not blameless. At least my ancestors weren’t involved in that slave nonsense in the South. Tho I can’t vouch for the willingness of my great-great-….-great grandmother to marry good ol’ great-great-great-…-great grandfather Sven after he “found” her on one of those “trading” expeditions…
Now, I can attempt humor (gawd, I hope folks took it that way) on the subject of the bloody vileness and moral relativism of the actions of my ancestors. That doesn’t mean I’ll ever attempt to justify their actions. The Romans thought they were doing the right thing when the conquered all of Europe, and through Feudalism they did many of the same things to Europeans as Europeans did to Native Americans many centuries later. The world has been a brutal place for a long long time.
This administration didn’t invent using power for personal gain and a vain attempt to remake the world in their own image. Its an old game. Its just one that few have played openly since WWII and the end of the Cold War.
And I don’t want to be held responsible for those past sins of my fathers. I have plenty of sins to be accountable for committed in my name during my own lifetime.
The BIA is an interesting case, tho. Its a sin committed in the far past, but continues to be perpetrated in my name even today.
I don’t see any easy answers. Should we just turn self-governance and ownership of land over to the tribes? What of the corrupt tribes whose members are already asking for protection from their own bad leaders? Should we just wash our hands and let those leaders, the new “three winos” as it were, sell off the remainder of tribal lands to big corporations and developers for a pittance per member (and a hefty kickback under the table)?
I can’t speak for others. Personally, I’d love to correct this ongoing sin of the past that is known as the BIA. I would be worried that I’d be putting myself in the shoes of the conquerors who bought Manhattan island if we handle this incorrectly.
Do you have any words of wisdom on how we can properly correct this longstanding injustice in a way that doesn’t just commit a new sin as egregious as the original? Your post mentions we should hold conversations. I agree. This is a tragedy that should be set right, in a way that doesn’t make it any worse.
I hope you don’t feel that I am holding anyone in this life responsible for the past actions of their ancestors. That is not the case, I was and hope that this parody gets people to see what it has been like to be Native American and have the BIA in your face and life constantly. I can only hope that the Nations will be given their due respect by some progressive in the near future.
No, I didn’t feel you were trying to assess blame to anyone, just to point out the indefensible and hypocritical situation in a way that truly makes us all think of it. Good political humor does that.
Maybe its the liberal in me. When I hear of an injustice, I’m seldom satified with just understanding another ‘crime’ committed on my behalf. I wish there was a way to work to correct these injustices.
That’s how I imagine a lot of mainstream america feels about the DSM news. They know they’ve been had, but it doesn’t change the current situation. More guilt isn’t worthy goal — understanding and action are.
This is wonderful, ghost. With each sentence it felt worse and worse. Anybody who could read this without crying is dead inside.
May I use it the next time I’m arguing about sports team names ? I have never made any headway in that fight; my co-workers laugh it off as one more loony-left-feminist-socialist bit of trivial crap.
you are welcome to use it, just give UNA, United Native Americans, credit for its use.
Thanks for reading it and commenting.
A modern day “Trail of Beers”… you might as well consign them to Las Vegas, too… so’s they can have gambling revenue… then get rid of that pesky eyesore dam and shut off power… ; )