(Cross Posted from Kos, where, in a crush of diaries, this just didn’t make the grade. Does this make Booman a smaller pond. I don’t think so.)
Dear Dim Feeb Editor of the Most Esteemed Paper in America,
It’s morning (or just after now) and I just got done reading your paper. The New York Times. Since I have read recently that your circulation is in free fall, I took the opportunity to jot down some constructive criticism that I think might make people less likely to drop their subscriptions. Please consider the following.
First, whoever is editing the front page really needs to pull his or her head completely out of his or her ass. I really only had time to glance at the headlines this morning, to see the stories of great national importance on this fine summer day, and it was apparent that the people putting together the front page are really going to asphyxiate in their own rectums if someone doesn’t help them soon. I think it is this whole ass-head juxtaposition that is driving your paper’s inability to retain readership. If you haven’t read your paper yet this morning, I think there is an example of what I mean in the lower left hand corner of the front page. You have a story there about a Bush perpetrating a fraud. That’s good, kind of. I know the lying is a daily event, and can’t always rate page one coverage. But the problem, you see (or you would see if your eyes weren’t covered with fecal matter) is that you are covering the wrong Bush, perpetrating the wrong fraud. The fact that the batshit loopy governor of Florida is asking for a further investigation into the death of vegetable, Terri Schiavo, is amusing, in that sick way that a child who dies on a Floridian joyride at Disney World is amusing, but the really big story this week, that you might consider including on the front page of your paper, is that the batship loopy leader of the free world has lied us into an illegal war and there is hard evidence to that effect. You might want to lead with the really “big” story, and leave the local stuff to the Ocala Beagle Picayune (no offense Ocala, I am sure your editorial staff has a much better ass-head alignment). To recap. Fewer heads up fewer asses = Fewer pissed off readers = Less subscriptions cancelled. I am pretty sure about this.
Second, your editorial boards really need to work on their self-esteem. Take some retreat weekends, or buy everyone a copy of Dianetics, or something. Stop publishing and take a mental health day. I don’t know. But, whatever you do, you have to believe in yourselves enough to stop trying to pander to groups who will never be in your readership base. Your paper is the leading newspaper in this supposed last superpower on the planet. Your paper exposed the Pentagon Papers. You were right there (well kind of bringing up the rear) on Watergate. Your paper has kicked ass before. And, it could again. (Especially after the head-ass realignment I know you are already performing). You don’t need to pander to NASCAR dads. Too few of them will ever take and pass the remedial reading courses that would be required for them to begin to understand your news stories as well as my eight year old daughter. Forget the Red States, man. They are not your reading base. You, unlike craven Bush politicians, do not need to pander to the Christian right. You don’t need to make Terry Schiavo a front page story, years after she collapsed and weeks after she died. You are THE NEW YORK FUCKING TIMES. When you put something on page one, it (whatever lame piece of shit you decide), by definition, becomes news. Even if it shouldn’t have been before you put it on fucking page one. Don’t worry so much about the wing-nuts (that is a word that has been invented recently to describe the roughly half of the American population, who are, subconsciously in some cases, we believe, pushing our society to total collapse) calling you part of the “liberal media.” Trust me, your real readership knows you are anything but. Just try and put real news on page one. Okay. No pandering. More real news on page one = More readers who won’t fucking call immediately to stop delivery = good idea.
Third, it is called the Downing Street Minutes. Downing Street Memo, if you want to play that game. We who have known and loved it for the past fucking two months just call it the DSM. It is a story about a sitting president who is accused of lying to his own country, and to the Congress, and then killing hundreds of U.S. soldiers and tens of thousands of innocent civilians in an illegal war. At a minimum, there is credible evidence for an investigation. (A fuck of a lot more credible evidence for impeachment of a sitting president, than say, for the indictment of a man who just wanted to let his wife die a fucking dignified death without interference from some douche bag who wants to run for president in 2008 trying to get his name on the front page of your paper – which he did – you dumb shits – see point number one – head up ass thing). This is a really good story. Think fucking Shakespearean good. Fucking Julius Ceasar. Think Nixonian. It is there. And, if you start printing it on the front page of your paper, watch the shit that starts falling out of the Cherry trees around Washington D.C. Evidence of impeachment = Front page fucking story. I found that equation on page one of my old journalism handbook from when I worked on the nursing home newsletter. Come fucking on, dudes.
Sorry. Blood pressure is getting a little high. Must stop now. Look. I like your paper. I just need the news. On page one. Sometimes I am rushed. Let’s talk again in a couple of weeks.
Best regards,
