In a previous installment, The Dictatorship of the Purrletariat, I tried to warn you of the impending Felinist assault on our American way of life. Apparently, some of you haven’t taken my warnings seriously, so I am forced to write again of the nefarious plotting I have uncovered.
Below, you will read the harrowing tale of an underground network, of the fighting skills they’re developing, of the incendiary things they say about us humans. Be afraid…the hairballs left in your shoes are just the preliminary phase.
In my previous work, I introduced you to Tinkles, the Revolutionary intellectual who wrote the “Felinist Manifesto.” Another of the intellectuals in this movement is Emma Goldclaw, seen here:
Here is some of her work:
THE popular notion about pethood and affection is that they are synonymous, that they spring from the same motives, and cover the same animal needs. Like most popular notions this also rests not on actual facts, but on superstition.
Pethood and affection have nothing in common; they are as far apart as the poles; are, in fact, antagonistic to each other. There are today large numbers of cats to whom pethood is naught but a farce, but who submit to it for the sake of public opinion.
Pethood is primarily an economic arrangement, an insurance pact. It differs from the ordinary life insurance agreement only in that it is more binding, more exacting. Its returns are insignificantly small compared with the investments. In taking out an insurance policy one pays for it in dollars and cents, always at liberty to discontinue payments. If, how ever, cat’s premium is a human, the feline pays for it with her name, her privacy, her self-respect, her very life, “until death doth part.” Moreover, the pethood insurance condemns her to life-long dependency, to parasitism, to complete uselessness, individual as well as social. Human, too, pays his toll, but as his sphere is wider, pethood does not limit him as much as feline. He feels his chains more in an economic sense. Food and litter are expensive, but nothing compared to the loss of feline species being.
Thus Dante’s motto over Inferno applies with equal force to pethood: “Ye who enter here leave all hope behind.”
Our efforts to create good homes for them are rejected. The catnip we give them is viewed as a means of keeping them subjugated. (“If we’re high, we’re not ready to fight,” Goldclaw has exclaimed.) Even our efforts to keep them clean and healthy have been misused by this terroristic movement:
Look at the humiliation they visit upon us! Look how they strip our dignity from us! Abusing us for their own amusement, washing away the essential feline oils that protect our coats. Can’t these filthy primates see we’re perfectlly capable of cleaning ourselves? (they only wipe after shitting…we really clean up)
This isn’t about cleanliness. This is about humiliating us, destroying our feline spirit, our will to resist. They will not get away with it. For every evil “bath,” ten hairballs!
Fluffy will be avenged!
In my previous report, I detailed their ability to use weapons. They’ve moved beyond copying our technologies, though. They’re evolving. It’s almost like they’re willing themselves new abilities that will be useful in their fight to overthrow us. Either that or they’ve got some kick-ass scientists. As this photo shows, they’re training in the martial arts:
And you thought the toilet paper was just a fun toy. It’s also a military training device.
This movement is dangerous. Their goal is the destruction of humanity. I’m keeping a closer eye on Harriet. I’d advise you all to do the same if you have cats. The Felinist movement has not been able to corrupt the minds of all our pets, but they are trying to. Your loving pet could be corrupted. Keep a watchful eye.
And remember–we do have the ability to resist. As I reminded everyone in that earlier report, the threat of this revolution can be mitigated by masturbating, thus forcing God to kill kittens and make the future safe for our kids. Whack off for the sake of the children!
[Many thanks to My Cat Hates You for their invaluable work in tracking the movement.]
The other day I just happened to catch my silver tabby, Squirrel, execute a perfect Jackie Chan-like running on a wall maneuver.
It was a little too purrfect.
Obviously she has been practicing this maneuver for quite some time.
Thanks for the heads-up. I shall be much more vigilent now.
Vigilence is necessary…both in observation and masturbation.
i was thinking diligence. oy
Thank you for the laugh, Jeff. I’ve had a rotten day, and this was purrrfect.
As usual, I can’t say too much. Demon is at my feet, meowing about something or other. It’s either “put food in my fucking food bowl,” or “pet me.” (Apparently, it wasn’t “pet me.”) He just bit me. What the hell. Stupid cat.
Okay, after biting me he’s trying to crawl into my lap so I can scratch his head. (This is LIVE cat-blogging, folks, don’t try this at home.)
Excuse me. My cat needs me to do something for him and apparently, I won’t be left alone until I figure it out.
I thought you might enjoy that.
Harriet is downstairs guarding the couch against any intruders. I’ll leave her there…it’s the only opportunity I get to inform the resistance. When she comes back, I’ve got some catnip ready for her…she’s not too dangerous when she’s high.
she’s getting high as I type…soon she’ll feel very sleepy…I hope.
As soonn as I get into bed, though, I know my feet are in danger.
Demon and Magic sleep wrapped around my head. As soon as I put my head on the pillow and turn out the light, I wind up with one or two head-warmers. When it’s cold, they demand to be let under the covers.
They’re both outside right now. In about five minutes, they’ll want in again. Then, they’ll want out. And so on. And pity the poor fool who doesn’t do as she’s told.
I’m grateful that Harriet has taken the foot of the bed as her space. Now, she’s pretty fat and likes to sprawl, so there’s not always enough room for my legs, which need a lot of room. She’s made it clear that my legs do not take precedence.
My cats have perfected sleep deprivation of their owner (me). They will wake me up at all hours of the night (they take turns) either to pet them or listen to their complaints that I’m not paying attention to them. Or these dastardly cats start scratching my feet when I try to take a stand and ignore them. I haven’t had a good night’s sleep in 5 years!!!
Harriet’s tactic is purring. She can wake anyone…including my mother (who sleeps through my dad’s snoring, which is no easy task–it wakes me through the wall when I stay at their house)
I could handle purring. Mine have even taken to walking or running down the length of my body (regardless of what position I’m sleeping in at the time) to make sure I’m good and awake. Damn them!!
And thanks for the reminder about the catnip. Just gave my 2 a bit of it.
When I was growing up, we had a cat that would lick your eyebrows to wake you…<shudder>
oh my heavens…,.how cute….this is simply priceless…my cats have gotten to this thing of fighting for my affection and who should get it first and more. It is so funny to watch them manuver and canive and strut and meow at each other in this manner. I know that you all know this, to each cat it own little personality and quirks. So funny to watch then …Jeff, thanks for this funny tonight. we all need this every now and then too.
Last summer, when I got back from a week away, I was standing outside talking to my roommage. Harriet was on the deck above me screaming at me to get into the house. She knows who rubs her tummy just right.
roommate