In a previous installment, The Dictatorship of the Purrletariat, I tried to warn you of the impending Felinist assault on our American way of life. Apparently, some of you haven’t taken my warnings seriously, so I am forced to write again of the nefarious plotting I have uncovered.
Below, you will read the harrowing tale of an underground network, of the fighting skills they’re developing, of the incendiary things they say about us humans. Be afraid…the hairballs left in your shoes are just the preliminary phase.
In my previous work, I introduced you to Tinkles, the Revolutionary intellectual who wrote the “Felinist Manifesto.” Another of the intellectuals in this movement is Emma Goldclaw, seen here:
Here is some of her work:
THE popular notion about pethood and affection is that they are synonymous, that they spring from the same motives, and cover the same animal needs. Like most popular notions this also rests not on actual facts, but on superstition.
Pethood and affection have nothing in common; they are as far apart as the poles; are, in fact, antagonistic to each other. There are today large numbers of cats to whom pethood is naught but a farce, but who submit to it for the sake of public opinion.
Pethood is primarily an economic arrangement, an insurance pact. It differs from the ordinary life insurance agreement only in that it is more binding, more exacting. Its returns are insignificantly small compared with the investments. In taking out an insurance policy one pays for it in dollars and cents, always at liberty to discontinue payments. If, how ever, cat’s premium is a human, the feline pays for it with her name, her privacy, her self-respect, her very life, “until death doth part.” Moreover, the pethood insurance condemns her to life-long dependency, to parasitism, to complete uselessness, individual as well as social. Human, too, pays his toll, but as his sphere is wider, pethood does not limit him as much as feline. He feels his chains more in an economic sense. Food and litter are expensive, but nothing compared to the loss of feline species being.
Thus Dante’s motto over Inferno applies with equal force to pethood: “Ye who enter here leave all hope behind.”
Our efforts to create good homes for them are rejected. The catnip we give them is viewed as a means of keeping them subjugated. (“If we’re high, we’re not ready to fight,” Goldclaw has exclaimed.) Even our efforts to keep them clean and healthy have been misused by this terroristic movement:
Look at the humiliation they visit upon us! Look how they strip our dignity from us! Abusing us for their own amusement, washing away the essential feline oils that protect our coats. Can’t these filthy primates see we’re perfectlly capable of cleaning ourselves? (they only wipe after shitting…we really clean up)
This isn’t about cleanliness. This is about humiliating us, destroying our feline spirit, our will to resist. They will not get away with it. For every evil “bath,” ten hairballs!
Fluffy will be avenged!
In my previous report, I detailed their ability to use weapons. They’ve moved beyond copying our technologies, though. They’re evolving. It’s almost like they’re willing themselves new abilities that will be useful in their fight to overthrow us. Either that or they’ve got some kick-ass scientists. As this photo shows, they’re training in the martial arts:
And you thought the toilet paper was just a fun toy. It’s also a military training device.
This movement is dangerous. Their goal is the destruction of humanity. I’m keeping a closer eye on Harriet. I’d advise you all to do the same if you have cats. The Felinist movement has not been able to corrupt the minds of all our pets, but they are trying to. Your loving pet could be corrupted. Keep a watchful eye.
And remember–we do have the ability to resist. As I reminded everyone in that earlier report, the threat of this revolution can be mitigated by masturbating, thus forcing God to kill kittens and make the future safe for our kids. Whack off for the sake of the children!
[Many thanks to My Cat Hates You for their invaluable work in tracking the movement.]