Dear Mr. Batshit Loopy Leader of the Free World,

I had a chance to catch the last ten minutes or so of your press conference with Iraqi Prime Minister Ibrahim Al-Jaafri.  I know I haven’t had a chance to write in a while, but since I see that your poll numbers have plummeted to all-time new lows, I thought I would take the opportunity to share a few more constructive criticisms.
First, I think your poll numbers might really bounce if you would banish the phrases “I understand that” and “I understand why” from all future speaking appearances.  It is pretty fucking clear, sir, that you don’t understand a goddamn thing.  You didn’t understand the oil business.  You surely didn’t understand the baseball business.  And you don’t understand the business of telling the truth before committing our children to war.  So, when you start every fucking answer, to every fucking question with “I understand (why everyone in the world hates us, for instance). . .” it rings pretty hollow.  It really fucking pissed me off to hear it like four-hundred times in the last ten minutes of your press conference (when you were only answering four questions or so).  Less saying “You understand” when you clearly understand nothing = Less rage to listeners = a bump in the polls.  I am pretty sure about this, sir.

Second, I understand (see, I can use the phrase here and get away with it, because I really do understand — and when you finally understand any single concept known to mankind, then maybe we can talk about you using that phrase again) that Prime Minister Al-Jaafri is something like a wooden replica of a real person sitting on your knee, but I think if you pull your hand out of his ass, and stop moving your lips while he is talking, the public might actually believe the ruse that Iraq has a freely elected government independent of United States Imperial Army control.  I refer here to the final question of the news conference, where a middle-eastern reporter asked a question specifically directed to the Prime Minister, and you proceeded to answer the question for the Prime Minister for like five minutes, before his wooden lips ever moved.  I mean, you said some pretty funny shit during this time, don’t get me wrong.  Stuff that might fly in an old Charlie McCarthy act.  I mean really funny.  Like telling the reporter he would need to ask “his prime minister and his government” the question about rebuilding.  He did ask his prime minister dim feeb.  If you would have shut your mouth, or tried to listen to your ear piece (something I thought you finally got straight after the first debate last year) you might have realized that.  And “your question made it seem like we’re [the U.S.] in charge.”  That was a knee slapper.  We’re not in charge in Iraq.  Well, maybe we haven’t stopped the rebels from blowing people up every single day, but if we’re not in charge, than who the fuck is.  Anyway.  Just take your hand out of the prime minister’s ass.  Run the puppet by strings or something.  Get a midget into his costume.  Work on it.  More realistic puppet = better act = higher ratings on Iraq = you know.

Third, as a personal favor to me, because I do not want to have a heart attack and die before my fortieth birthday, could you please never, never, ever, EVER say the following about your administration again:  “We’re laying the foundations for peace around the world.”  Sir, you are like the most bloodthirsty leader in my short lifetime.  I know you would never, for instance, lead troops in combat yourself.  But, your fucking policies have killed hundreds of thousands who don’t need to be dead.  I know this is a big leap for you.  But, it has been boiled down to a bumper sticker, so I think you may be able to follow it.  Albert Einstein is quoted as once having said, “You cannot simultaneously prevent and prepare for war.”  I think it follows logically, sir, that you cannot simultaneously bomb the fuck out of people and call it laying the foundation for peace.  That kind of stretches credulity just a tad.  I don’t give a fuck about your poll numbers here.  I’m just asking this, as a personal favor, because, I’ve tried to help in the past, and I think you owe me this.  Please, just don’t say it again.  Don’t say disgustingly outrageous thing = N-1, where N = number of people driven insane by your stupid off the cuff remarks, and 1 = me.

That’s all I got for today, sir.  You may be able to turn these poll numbers around before your Republican allies start bailing on you, leaving you vulnerable to the really angry mobs.  Hang in there.  Tell Karl, “Fuck you” for me.  Nice try with the smirking, too.  I guess sometimes it is just congenital.  I’ll write again, if you keep moving your lips.

Best regards,