All right, listen up, you pencilneck liberals! This is your hero1, “Jesse the Body” Ventura2, filling in for that geekling, pastordan.

pastordan says he doesn’t have a problem tonight. Personally, I think he’s full of it, you know? But he says, “Yesterday, I celebrated four years, three-hundred-sixty-four days, 23 hours, and 55 minutes more wedded bliss than I ever thought I’d have. I ain’t got no problems.”

And to top it off, that sorry sack of suck went to see that liberal wimpus Michael Feldman this week, with The Funky Drummer, Clyde Stubblefield, playing in the “Whad’ya Know?” trio. So maybe he doesn’t have a problem. On the other hand, he also saw Boooob Dylan and Willie Nelson this week, too. Willie’s my man–Pancho and Lefty!–but Bob? Don’t care if he is from Hibbing…
Well, anyhoo, since the pastor claims not to have a problem, he asked me to fill in for him3.

So here’s my idea, pencilnecks! Karl Rove has been going around the country all but calling you a bunch of traitorous sissies. He’s been pissing on your legs for five years now, and you’ve been putting up with it.

But this time,he’s gone too far, which is where I come in4.


Anyway, grab your feather boas and get down to Madison Square Gardens, ’cause I’ve arranged a little steelcage DEATHMATCH this coming Sunday Sunday Sunday, starring your favorite Turdblossom and…

Well, it’s up to you, you geeks! Vote for your favorite opponent to meet Dr. Destructo in the STEEL CAGE OF DOOM!!


Now, where’d I put my prednisone?

1 This is, of course, a lie.
2 Lies, all lies.
3 Sadly, this is true.
4 Oh, if only the governor knew how true this was…

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