So many times these past years, seeing what is happening to my country has left me stunned and nearly unable to believe my own eyes and ears. There are times when my own sense of powerlessness and despair take me way down, and many times when my outrage was so strong it would me spinning off into useless circles that accomplished nothing of value, and left me drained and worth little to anyone. Much of the time, my frustration at the flat out refusal of others in my personal word to even discuss what’s going on, or even know anything about it.. has left me stewing uselessly in my own juices. I need to find another way to live through these times that does not dis-empower and de-energize me like this.
I am not a Christian or a member of any organized religion, so, while I am glad that these are a source of comfort and strength for whose who do embrace this faith, it is of little comfort to me. I don’t believe anyone can really “save us”, but ourselves, by coming together and combining our strengths and intentions and power. And I see a lot of that happening here in cyberspace, as we each contribute what we have to contribute.
As I turn my attention away from what I can’t do, to what I can do, I remember what I do believe. I remember how powerful those beliefs are, when I place them in front of me again.
I do believe that there is some kind of awesomely powerful “force of goodness” at play here in the world, and that some of it exists in nearly every human being. There has to be, or else how could there be so much beauty and goodness and compassion in so many peoples hearts? How else can so many suffer so much, and still emerge from it victoriously alive and connected to others in ways that expand all concerned?
I also remember that in my own life, so often what has appeared to be tragic, even disastrous events and losses, has, given time , turned out to be the an essential “firing” of the vessel that is me, making it strong enough to go on and on. I know that at the time of the pain and fear, I could not see this at all. But still, it was present: some design more complex than my mind could comprehend, and it has delivered outcomes better than I could ever have foreseen or dreamed of.
So, I am again reminded that what I can see with my rational mind now, while it may appear to be
a terrible downward spiraling into the potential loss of so many precious freedoms for us all, may indeed be a part of some process I cannot fully fathom. And I am reminded of the power of my own conscious intentions and energies.
Wherever I place my conscious attention, my energy will follow. If I focus on the negative, and allow my baser emotions such as fear and rage to run my show for me, then this is the energy I am contributing to the larger pool of energy in this world. Then, people around me start to move away: my negative energy is pretty powerful stuff!
When I can remember to focus my attention on what I can do, rather than what I can’t, then my energies lighten up, brighten up, and that, then..is the energy I have to contribute to the larger pool of world energies.
So I ask myself, what CAN I do, as a mobility impaired older woman on a very small income? Its true, I can’t get out there enough to actively protest, or carry signs, or run around here and there, and and I can’t contribute any money, but I CAN sit here make phone calls and write to congress people and editors and blogs.
But maybe most important of all, , I can fight off that deadly sense of powerlessness and frustration and anger, by choosing where I focus my mental attention, thus my energies,, and I can choose to do this much more effectively than I have been.
I can also remember that old prayer they drummed into my very DNA in treatment..about “changing what I can, accepting what I cannot change, and finding the damned wisdom to know the difference!”
I can do this! (I just needed to write this diary to remind myself that I can, that’s all.)
May we all find whatever sources of inner strength and comfort we each have in our lives, to carry us forward now.
