Welcome to the One False Church. Many if not implicitly all those other churches and religions claim to be the one, the only truth. The Catholics: the One True Church© from way back. The various Evangelical/Fundamentalist Churches, sects and subsects (nothing succeeds like subsects) all claim sole proprietorship of the truth.
So how do you know, how do you really know? You’re not choosing a toothpaste here, this is your soul. So why not choose certainty? You may never know which is the true church, but you can be completely confident that this is the False Church.
Everything about this belief system is guaranteed false. Our version of the Bible (soon to be Revealed right here) is completely bogus. Our cosmological explanation of life, the universe and everything: all false. Our rules and regs, our Dogma and Patrimony Show, all 100% bullshit. All our names for the Almighty—totally wrong, you’ll never get Him/Her/Them/Whatever/ on your cell. Actually, even these statements are utterly without merit.
And I, the self-appointed Pope George-Ringo I, otherwise known as the Perky Pontiff, will guide you through the labyrinthine, yet perfectly simplistic, paths to the Eternal Falsehood, with plenty of pompous yet empty meanderings, bold lies, skillful deceptions, key inaccuracies, plus assorted minor deceits, half-truths, phoniness, misdirection, calumny, meaningless balderdash, random mendacity, and holy nonsense along the way, the False and the Twilight Zone.
Oh, and the maps are worthless as well.
Our theological arguments are known throughout the world for being dependably dependent on outrageously bad logic and complex but (rest assured) circular reasoning, relentless and out of context misquotation, distorted descriptions and insupportable conclusions, and such time-honored rhetorical devices of deceit as ad hominem attacks, poisoning the well, selectively distorted statistics, unsupported assertions masked as facts, deceptive and non-existent sources, serial name-calling, and referencing well known statements that were false in the first place. In other words, truly false—and proud of it.
The One False Church: in good times and bad, it’s comforting to know you’re wrong, every damned time.
Stay tuned for more elaborate fabrications. In the meantime, remember: The One False Church: Falsehoods You Can Count On.
“Everything is folly but folly itself.” Giacomo Leopardi
“Everything about this belief system is guaranteed false”
Forgive me if I take exception to your diary, but I’m having a hard time finding a sense of humor when you’re clearly mocking my belief system. I happen to be a member of the Catholic faith that draws your apparent ire. I also happen to be a progressive Democrat, as are a huge percentage of the people in the pews and the pulpit of many churches. I may not be proud of the right-wing messaging that has permeating the Catholic Church’s “official” messaging, but it’s still my Church and it guides my core passion for the liberal ideals of helping the poor, seeking equality for the oppressed, and other “liberal” values.
There are plenty of things with the Democratic party that piss me off, but I don’t leave it either. One of my biggest pet peeves however is the mocking that occurs for people of faith on our side of the political spectrum. I don’t know if you’re agnostic, atheistic or disgruntled, but your tone is disrespectful of progressive Christians that you should be working alongside to advance our ideals.
Paz
This piece of writing is based on a conceit: if every church says or implies it has sole possession of absolute truth yet they disagree, the more dependable alternative is a church that guarantees that everything it says is false.
Maybe you don’t think that’s funny. But it is irony.
Never in this piece does it say anything about the truth or falsehood of any church’s doctrines, let alone single out the Catholic Church.
In fact, only your response says that the Catholic Church makes mistakes.
I am sorry that you are offended. I however am also offended by your response, since it indicates that you felt comfortable publicly accusing me of intolerance without closely reading what this piece actually says.
I agree totally and find it offensive.
It was not my intention to mock anyone’s faith or spirituality. But do feel free to mock mine.
Strange, but on first reading, I thought the post was well done. Reread it after seeing the comments and still think it is.
See it not as attacking religion in general or any religion in particular. What it does seem to target is the chauvinism, anti-intellectualism, prejudice, rigidity, and general meanness that religion sometimes spawns.
Perhaps I missed something or maybe satire is a rough go in this overheated environment. Seems as though something valuable is lost when we can’t laugh at ourselves.
Curious as to why people thought it was aimed at their religion in particular.