I have traveled a long journey from my upbringing in a southern christian fundamentalist rightwing family and wonder sometimes if what I learned along the way would be helpful to those of you who are trying to understand “the other side.” So I thought I’d try to write this to give you at least a little of the insight I have gained in the process.
First of all, let me say that I was never a real rebel from my upbringing as many others were who traveled the same path. I bought everything I was taught until I was in my 20’s and was a very “good girl.” Things started to unravel as I was finishing college and I took the next 5-10 years working things through and finally rejecting pretty much everything to start over.
I had a real turning point while I was in graduate school (you might be able to tell as you read this that I was trained as a therapist) just before I turned 30. There was a moment in time for me that I hope might be instructive for others. You see, the biggest thing I had to overcome from my background was that I was taught that I was born “originally sinful.” To me this meant that at the core of my being was something that was evil and to be overcome.
How this plays itself out in those from a fundamentalist mindset (I think this is similar for fundamentalists from all religious traditions) is that you cannot trust yourself, but are looking to God to provide the direction from outside yourself. And how does God speak to you? Since you can’t trust your inner voice/self, it comes in the form of rules and dogma that are interpreted from a concrete source. For fundamentalist protestants, that’s the Bible (or their interpretation of the Bible), for Catholics – its the Pope. So at your core, you are evil and you are constantly trying to conform to the rules. And of course, if you don’t get it right – there’s always that hell thing, so its all based on fear.
My healing began to happen when my mentor in graduate school offered to me the gift of trust. He trusted me completely and invited me to begin to trust myself. I was truly “born again” in a way that contradicts everything that I was taught.
But in the middle of all of this, I had a day (literally a day) of a severe panic attack. I didn’t know what was happening at the time, but I know now in retrospect that David Whyte described it perfectly in his poem titled, “Revelation Must Be Terrible.”
Revelation must be terrible with no time left
to say goodbye.
Imagine that moment staring at the still waters
with only the brief tremor
of your body to say you are leaving everything
and everyone you know behind.
Being far from home is hard, but you know,
at least we are all exiled together.
When you open you eyes to the world
you are on you own for the first time.
No one is even interested in saving you now
and the world steps in to test the calm fluidity of your body
from moment to moment
as if it believed you could join its vibrant dance
of fire and calmness and final stillness.
As if you were meant to be exactly where you are, as if
like the dark branch of a desert river
you could flow on without a speck of guilt and everything
everywhere would still be just as it should be.
As if your place in the world mattered and the world could
neither speak nor hear the fullness of
its own bitter and beautiful cry without the deep well
of your body resonating in the echo.
Knowing that it takes only that one, terrible
word to make the circle complete
revelation must be terrible knowing you can
never hide your voice again.
Thank you – that was beautiful.
A birth experience, yes?
With all of the terror and possibilities that are a part of that. I think this is why so many fundamentalists cling so hard to what they believe. To give it up is the most frightening thing you can imagine. You are really on your own and “no one is even interested in saving you now.” But at the end of that journey is finally….peace.
The whole concept of Original Sin was embedded in Latin Christianity (the Greeks & Oriental Churches don’t accept it) by the biggest horse’s ass in Western Theology: Augustine the Hippo.
If that brat next door had sung, “Hold the pickle, hold the lettuce, special orders don’t upset us” (or the 5th century equivalent) instead of declaiming “Pick up and read. Pick up and read” we’d all be eating Big Mac’s (or the 5th century equivalent) in Rememberance of Him.
Religion can be good, or bad, depending on the what the indiviual allows it to be.
Religion controlled the world for so long, and has been put on the back burner for several decades now, and it sees a way to get back into control, through greed.
If the people allow this beast to come to the front, we will see a new version of Salem Mass, that will make the last look like a school picnic ; )
With current policy and public un-awareness, it is not “Wag the Dog”, more like “Flag the Dogma”
If allowed to take us through a time trip, their putting us back into the dark ages.
I agree with you. What I’m trying to do these days, is understand why people are so drawn to this kind of belief system at this moment in our history. If you’ll indulge me for just a moment, I think that as a result of our increasing alienation from each other and reliance on “things” (as you referred to – our greed) we are not in real conversation with each other and with the natural world. It is this “conversation” that allows our inner voice to develop. Without it, we are very vulnerable to those religious beliefs that focus on importting the rules of the game from outside of ourselves. As David Whyte has said, finding your own voice can be terrifying – but it is what makes us whole and gives us the possibility for empathy with others.
I always treasure your diaries – you’ve always got something for me to ponder, or a book for me to read, and some great commentators.
Thanks Alice. I just feel so strongly that our politics develop from a deep place inside all of us. Its not just an analytical process – even though that is certainly part of it. I have a fascination with the inner process of how we got here and hope to continue to explore that with all of you here at the pond.