Update [2005-8-4 16:5:32 by Militarytracy]: It sounded like too much to me yesterday. For me it was too much WRONG but the Yahoo story about the families and the community brought to its knees today found here is a lot tougher to read than I could have ever imagined it could be. What a tangled web of brothers and sons and people who grew up next to people and people planning to go to one Marine’s funeral only to see those very well dressed military officers who show up to tell you that death is now visiting your household.Update [2005-8-4 16:5:32 by Militarytracy]:

I ought to be happy.  The bedroom paint is turning out exactly how I wanted and I have great ideas and advice from friends on it.  My little chick dog is very close to a very special breeding, going to happen on Friday and fingers crossed.  This mating with the dog McKinley is an enormous gift and if it is successful then his once upon a time owner has told me that his frozen semen is going to get  pricey.  Not many frozen semen doggies born yet because it just hasn’t been done enough for people to be willing to give it a shot.

I have so much going right at the moment, but fourteen dead is too wrong today.  Too many dead this past week, this past year, the year past that one.  It is just too many and my heart is breaking and the tears come down.  It is always such a relief after the cry when it hurts this much!
I don’t know if anybody can understand how confusing the veneer on all of it has been for the average military family.  So much flag waving and tanks flying across the desert with reporters on board broadcasting live on CNN.  Everybody said that they were so proud of my husband and me and my family and there were so many bands playing and so much confetti in the air.  The antiwar movement did put up one really good fight in Colorado Springs, one really good protest complete with blood covered children.  Somehow though, when the troops went anyhow, everybody stood pretty quiet after that.  We were all told that we were hurting our own troops by acting the way we were and we became subdued, drugged into silence by the guilt that they foist on all of us.

As a military wife I carted children back and forth to school and doctors, paid the bills, fed the dogs, and every time I returned home I ushered my family into the house and firmly closed the front door behind all of our faces.  I saw myself doing it and felt myself doing it and I couldn’t figure out why.  I felt lonely but it was survival so it continued on and on day after long long day.  No wonder I saved so much money that year, I went no place I didn’t have to and didn’t see anybody that I didn’t completely want or need to see.  Now I understand why I did it all that way too.

My home with that heavy front door was the only honest space in America that I had. It was mine and you could not violate it!  I wouldn’t be challenged and nobody could call me names or tell me what a loser I was or how much I was letting our troops and my country down when I sat alone in my bedroom and cried on that day or that night or that week or even that whole fucking month.  I could have my moment alone with God when I told him/her/it that the whole world had gone mad, and the whole world was on fire and nobody could or would call me unchristian or a traitor.  I was so fragile deep down inside I couldn’t have taken too much of that.  I needed to survive and my kids needed at least for me to be safe, so I closed our front door on the world day after day after day.

Every time I opened that Mother Fucking front door there was all that disgusting fucking veneer.  Rictus smiling faces and people patting me on the back and smiling down at my daddyless kids like they were such good little troopers!!  And if daddy eats lead they will tell us all again what good little troopers we are until they tire of it and want some new entertainment!  When and if we military families of dead soldiers begin to talk about still hurting though over lost children and spouses and daddies and mommies they will call us annoying and looking for sympathy or wanting a hand out.  They will tell us that we are in need of an antidepressant.  They may even dole out the $70.00 or so a month for the antidepressants so that we can act normal to them and stop fucking whining about all this shit from the War on Terror that will become the Struggle against Extremism until it disappears into the fog of war in their small fucking abstract little minds along with our loved ones.

The heart never forgets a healing caress, or the gentle wiping away of tears and Bactine on knees, or the full bodied hug of a son or the touch of a father or the voice and the feeling of the palm of a spouse.  The soul never forgets who we were born next to, or who brought new souls into this world with us, or who contributed to our soul arriving here.  The heart and soul can evolve and grow new areas and explore new branches and spaces but they never forget! So don’t eat the veneer, it has lead in it and it will kill in the end!

P.S.  Since all fourteen Marines were from Ohio it also appears that Ohio has suffered a heartaching loss twice along with the Marines these past hours.

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