This is the latest offering from the surreality based community. Apologies to Michael Mann. Believe it or not I seem to be a little bit ahead of the curve on this one. There is a remake in the works for a big-screen version starring Jamie Foxx and Colin Farrell. Will pastel, pistols, and stubble make a monster come back?
This however is dedicated to Steven Bochco’s latest offering of “Over There” which does not seem to be doing very well “over here”. I can honestly say that I haven’t seen a single episode and don’t plan on it. Steven, bubbie, this is my pitch to you if you’re out there. I think that this would really turn a few heads. This is the concept: Picture the lawless, corrupt, land of opportunity frontier of the American protectorate of Iraq. America struggles to contend with the Iraqi brand of corruption and make it more like its own. In order to achieve this goal they recruit a couple of the most Wall Street smart, shady defectives that America has to offer. Their goal is to out-crook the crooked and bring the American form of democracy to the Middle East.
Cue up the theme song, if you’ve got it…
Presenting defectives Dick “Cheney” Crotchett, and Giorgio Shrubs. (Also, maybe Alberto Scotus Almost as defective Bastillo!) They work as members of a highly covert elitist task force with billions in dirty money at their disposal. You may find them anywhere, from downtown Baghdad, to the outskirts of Tikrit, and even cruising up and down the Euphrates searching out and rewarding free market opportunity at every turn.
Crotchett: Hey Shrubs, there’s something I gotta let you know.
Shrubs: Go ahead… Shoot Crotchett.
Crotchett: Well, tomorrow you might be called up to testify in front of Captain Bunny of the Iraqi/American Pentagon Procurement affairs division. I just needed to let you know that I have been under the covers with that big corporation Halliburton for the last couple of years.
Shrubs: Undercover work, huh?
Crotchett: Ummm…. yeah.
Shrubs: Don’t worry partner, I got your back!
Shrubs: Wow, Crotchett! How did you know that there were drugs onboard that fishing boat?
Crotchett: Well, Shrubs, when you’ve been around like I have, sometimes you can just smell opportunity… You’ve gotta break all of the rules before you can ever truly know ’em…
Shrubs: Is it kind of an oily smell… kind of crude…?
Crotchett: Heh, Heh… keep it up there, Shrubs! We’re going to get that Ivy league trained out of you yet…
Shrubs: Cheney, you never did tell me… what do you feed that gator, Clint, that you keep on the boat?
Crotchett: We’re on the Euphrates, Shrubs, it’s a crocodile… the gator’s in my pocket.
Shrubs: Oh, yeah, right… well… Damn, what have you been feeding the gator?!
Crotchett: Fuck… this is just major uncool… Who would have done this to a Hummer that we just stole?
Shrubs: Yeah, and how are we going to get to the airport now. It’s not like we can just ask somebody for a ride…
Crotchett: (Yelling in the street) Why don’t you insurgents just knock it off… When are you ever going to learn that people in adobe houses shouldn’t throw falafel… You a-holes ever heard of Geneva, or is that just a Swiss dominatrix to you?
Shrubs: Awesome gun Cheney, where did you get it? You mind if I squeezed off a couple rounds?
Crotchett: Sorry, Shrubs. You gotta have some special training before you can even come near this baby. That geek Rumsfeld from the lab is letting me try it out… it’s a .45 with one in the pipe and 12 in the clip… flip the switch upwards here and it goes into peacekeeper mode as a fully functional 120,000 volt Taser… flip the switch downwards and it goes into pacemaker mode, capable of cardioversion and monitoring…
Shrubs: Wow, have you gotten to use it yet?
Crotchett: Pacemaker mode… yeah… twice this morning…
Crotchett: (Bursting into a Mosque) Alright, everybody down on the ground… we’re not here for the Korans, and we’re not here for the little crescent moons that glow in the dark… Shrubs go check that woman for an IED…
Shrubs: Birth control… man, Crotchett, these people disgust me… every night I go to sleep and I hear the cries of all the little unborn babies… breaks my heart, man… 101 ways to move contraband, and this is a mosque…
Crotchett: Why don’t you open your eyes, Shrubs, ain’t no victims here… only volunteers…
Shrubs: I’m tired man… when I’m tired I get weird…
Crotchett: Damn, Shrubs, you’ve lost weight… have you been sniffing around the evidence room again?
Shrubs: Nah… Laura said I was gainin weight the other week, so she puts me on this “South Bitch Diet” or something… I can eat or drink anything that I want, but I have to talk to her about it… I’ve lost twenty pounds, Cheney… I’m lookin’ like Ann Coulter goes to the concentration camp…
Crotchett: That is major uncool…
Inbedded Reporter: How do you guys go from the lawlessness and destruction of this place back to the tranquility of home?
Crotchett: We’ve got a couple of armored limos and hummers, and then we usually take Air Force One.
