Cindy Sheehan wrote about her husband filing for divorce the other night in her Kos diary, but today it is really hitting the mainstream news. And, of course, everybody’s a pundit, armchair psychologist, what have you, and we’re going to hear a lot of speculation in the news, blogs, etc. about what should really be a private matter. And, in addition to being a private matter, the decision to end a marriage is a complicated one that often defies simple placing of blame or identifying just one cause.
For example, it is not unheard of for a divorce to be precipitated by the death of a child. On the other hand, when I was trying to research statistics about this, what I’ve found is that statistics tend to be grossly inflated, but not based on anything in reality. So, couples who lose a baby to SIDS or an older child or adult to a drunk driver, face additional heartache when they hear this grim statistic cited.
Also, if you ask any couple that has been through a divorce how they came to that point, the people involved will probably give very different answers. We can’t help but be biased in the way we remember and recount the stories of our lives. It’s perfectly normal to cast yourself as the hero in your own autobiographical memories. And people looking in from the outside will be influenced by their feelings about the parties involved. Or if they don’t know the people that well, they might latch on to one piece of “evidence”–something one spouse did, some change that took place in their lives, and point to that one thing as the reason.
Another thing about statistics–maybe someone can help me out here, because, although I remember hearing this somewhere, I have no idea where. But the 50% divorce rate we often hear about–didn’t someone determine that the way that is calculated is flawed? I remember hearing that the rate isn’t quite that high. But on the other hand, there are more divorces in the U.S. today than there were, say, 100 years ago, simply because people are living longer. There are plenty of other reasons too–women, for example, more often have jobs and money of their own, so they are not trapped in a bad marriage the way they would have been in times past.
I also think our expectations of marriage are different. Although I am not one to wax nostalgic about the “good old days”, I imagine that low expectations might have helped keep spouses from being disappointed. These days, whether we express them or now, I think people have a lot of expectations associated with marriage. We expect to be “in love” (and stay in love), we expect to be happy, we expect spouses to play many different roles. These roles may include any or all of the following: life partner, lover, co-parent, playmate, counselor…
Well, those are just some of my first thoughts on this complicated topic. I will probably add more later after I read what some of you have to say.
In another diary, someone commented about how many members of the so called “family values” party are divorced. Of course, given what I wrote above, I would never suggest that divorce contrary to family values–sometimes it is the best possible outcome for everyone involved. Including the children.
But I couldn’t resist the snark factor of looking up “Republicans” and “divorce”.
http://demopedia.democraticunderground.com/index.php/Republican_Values
Of course, the topic can be even more complicated than that. What policies help enourage and preserve healthy marriages? That’s a topic for another time, but my hunch is that Republican policies aren’t generally too “family friendly”.
We live in a throwaway society these days, marriage included. We have about a two second attention span and if something doesn’t grab us and hold our attention in that time we dump it. I’m one of them. I had horribly unrealistic expectations of marriage and when it became clear that I wasn’t going to live a magical life filled with joy and a castle with a moat, I became very disillusioned. Add children, bills, jobs, financial pressures, the struggle to keep up appearances, medical problems…you name it…and the mixture is volatile.
The far right would have you believe that it is feminists who are ruining the family and of course that is a misogynistic viewpoint designed to keep women at home where they belong, but I think it is rooted in the truth. Women used to have no other choice but to stay in abusive or just personally and emotionally unsatisfying marriages because they had no other means of support. Their dreams went unfulfilled, their needs were unmet and they stuck it out until the end because they had to.
We don’t have to anymore. I read somewhere that about 2/3 of divorces are now initiated by women…a big turnaround from days past.
Many of us enter into marriage with unreasonably high expectations. I think that’s the number one reason the divorce rate is so high.
with the 50% failure rate of American marriages, than I am with the 100% success rate of my own. 🙂 (Though it’s being sorely tested at the present time…I’m going to need a vacation from the spouse when we’re done with the crisis du jour…)
It’s a complicated subject, you’re right there! I do think part of it is the fact that there are options of some kind although women still have a hard time of it after a divorce. And high expectations probably do enter into it too. Is it a bad thing? I don’t know, I would hate to be trapped in an abusive marriage-I was in one very briefly and I can’t imagine that hell on a long term basis. Scared me off the whole idea for twenty years, lol-the second marriage is better-we are older and kinder to each other and ourselves. Marriage has meant so many things in so many different cultures and ages-is the one we’re used to even possible for most people? Do we want it to be? I still have more questions than answers but I am lucky enough, so far, to have a good marriage and I can’t imagine life without my partner.