Dear Tribers,
I disappeared last month and haven’t been on the internet since. Nevertheless, those of you who gave me support in May over at Kos, I owe you a diary.
First of all I wish to express my thanks to many of you, especially Holy Handgrenade. It was a diary from HHG that I read one Sunday morning about his recovery while drunk that hit home and made me cry – the denial of my own alchoholism broke through my unconscious like a tital wave. The next day I went to AA here in Germany. Unfortunately, that lasted a little over a week as I truly had no controll or mindset to accept a life without booze…I mean, what was I going to do when I actually had to be alone with myself????
I hit the bottle again and it became worse until I woke up one morning from passing on my balcony with a noose tied around neck. Then I decided I really needed help. I checked myself into a very, very nice sanatorium in the mountains of Sauerland (in the European sense, not a crazy house – think “The Magic Mountain” by Thomas Mann) for rehab/depression/PTSD. Thank you socialized medicine, because although the nurses didn’t wear Gucci uniforms, it was so nice that I thought that this is what the Betty Ford clinic must be like and that I could never afford this in the US: my co-pay was 80 euro.
While there, my mom who practices Buddhism in No. Cali sent me two books; one on meditation and the other, “The Art of Happiness” by Howard Cutler, M.D. and His Holiness the Dalai Lama. Now I’ve always despised pop-psychology self help books, but I soon realised that His Holiness is waaaaaaaay far from that. His words made a very deep impression on me. For instance, I just got back into cyberspace to see the new Pat Robertson issue. One commentor, here or on Kos, thought that the Lord should take them all now. My perspective may have changed as I remembered what HH said, something like “our friends do not give us the opportunity to grow, only our enemies do that. Therefore we should be grateful for our enemies and look to them as our teachers with admiration and respect”. Now for someone who lost his country and has had his people oppressed and tortured, those words are very poignant and really put this issue into perspective for me.
Yesterday was a very, very strange day. One my way to an electronic superstore, I noticed a display of all the Dalai Lama’s books in the window of a bookstore. Secondly, once at my destination, there was a Buddhist monk in robes shopping. Then it turns out that there is a Wing Chun Kung Fu school about six blocks from my apartment (and had my first lesson last night). Finally, I found out in passing that the bus stop 200 meters from my home goes directly to a bus stop in Iserlohn (20 minutes) which is directly in front of a Tibetian Buddhist center. All in one day! Strange days indeed! It seemed as though all of these opportunities for my own growth just presented themselves to me, or maybe I am just more aware, who knows.
However, the real purpose of this diary is to not only thank Holy Handgrenade, Pastor Dan, Dammit Janet, Military Tracy, Susan Hu, and the countless others who showed me so much support in May, but to also let you know that the progress has hit the right time and right place for me. I really had to sink lower to learn that the booze is not the right medicine for the PTSD and depression but only made them worse and gave me another sickness to deal with…but dealing with it I am.
Thank you all so very much
Now, if I can only kick the coffee and cigarettes!
as you said, they are your enemies, and you must respect them and learn from them…; )
Just as important is to remember to take it one day at a time.
My mother was a dry drunk after her major bouts with alcoholism. She turned to christianity and skipped all of the important steps and never really improved much, except in being sober.
My father-in-law has sponsored many in AA and has been sober for years now. Needless to say, following through the program and taking it all one day at a time made all of the difference, IMHO, between the type of person my mother was, when sober but still a dry drunk, and the type of person my father-in-law is today.
AA really makes a difference in the quality of your life if you stick to it. In the case of my in-law, it also improved the quality of life of their entire family.
I wish you the best. Not just for your sake, but also for everyone, your friends and family, that your efforts will affect in the long run.
For now, though, just take care to do what you need to do.
Thank you, AA is definately on my list of things to do.
You have all the time for worrying about other addictions … I’m just so thrilled for you! WE MISSED YOU! Love and hugs, Susan
One vice at a time. We take care of our addictions in the exact order that they are killing us. It is tempting to try and do it all at once but that is generally a very bad idea. Not picking up the next drink is a full time job. Let’s stick to that one until you get really, really, really good at it and then you can consider things like cigarettes.
Some people find it helpful to keep hard candies around. Alcohol is a huge source of sugar and replacing that with other sweets (I used ice cream) can be very helpful. Hard candies are good as they give the mouth something to do as well. Coffee and bottled water are good in that they satisfy that automatic reflex to have a drink in hand all the time.
JD, when I wrote those diaries on alcoholism (over at dKos as the holy handgrenade), I never once considered the possibility that they may help another who is suffering through this battle. I was stunned by the response and by your own admission to being an alcoholic. When I got the email from you that you had slipped, I worried for you, but did not give up the hope that you would make it through.
Seeing this today really hits me, in a very good way.
I am myself approaching 180 days (6 months) and I feel better and better with each passing day. I am writing more than ever (hence, the handle change) and have made connections with estranged friends and family.
Stay strong brother and know that my ear is there if you need to vent.
Peace,
Darrell
Thanks Darrell for the kind words. I only hope that my diary will do the same for someone else who may be suffering. I’m just passing whatever you gave me along. One thing I discovered is that though our situations may be different, the is one common denominator in that we all drink and we all suffer from it because the dynamics of this illness is the same for all of us and that we are not alone. If I can help someone else, like you helped me, that would be a very nice gift for both parties indeed. That’s karma, baby!
Today is 30 days sober. Wow, I never knew I could be away from the booze for so long – and it feels great!
Big congrats to you – and your family – for the 180. I can’t even imagine! I’ll get there though and the easiest way I found to do that is to live in the present. These thirty days just snuck up on me until I looked at the calender after reading your post. I just didn’t count and now, at this moment of writing, I have a sense of accomplishment. Kewl! Well, the sun is shining and I have my 3rd Wing Chun lesson tonight – just at the time that I used to heavily drink, so that helps. I haven’t had any cravings yet, I know they will come, but I am not worried about the future – today is enough.
Yours in sobriety,
Richard
Well done – or well started! Thanks for letting us know how you are doing now – it is an ongoing struggle, as many of us, myself included, can verify. But you have faced down the worst of it and that’s great news.
Welcome to the club. Sobriety is a gift that we must continue to give away in oreder to keep it. You have taken a first step towards that by sharing your story here. Page 83/84 of the big book gives us promises that if we read and put into action the suggestions of AA we will know a new freedom and a new happiness.Within these two pages you will find the Promises. This doesn’t mean there will not be setbacks or pain along the way but that we will grow because of them.
Allow me to share one more thing page 164 last paragraph reads:
“Abandon yourself to God as YOU understand God.Admit your faults to Him and your fellows.Clear away the wreckage of your past. Give freely of what you find and join us. We shall be with you in the Fellowship of Spirit, and you will surely meet some of us as you trudge the Road of Happy Destiny.
May God bless you and keep you until then.”
Keep it simple, get a sponsor and take it one day at a time. I am with you my friend.
What thrilling news from you this morning. I’m delighted to know you have made this turnaround. I have spent nearly thirty years watching my husband struggle with this problem. I just wanted to share with you the most recent discovery we have made that is having a great effect on it. He grew up without religious training, and seems to have a revulsion for it and never responded to AA, but did to Buddhism.
Anyway, after the last relapse, he was introduced to Dr. Joan Larson’s program of fighting alcoholism through nutrition. It is explained in her book “Seven Weeks to Sobriety,” and there is a website at http://www.healthrecovery.com He has followed her nutritional program for some time and appreciates the medical help more than the psychological. It really is all about health recovery, he is feeling fabulous and successful now. I’m glad and grateful.
I’m sure that with renewed focus on the value of your life you will continue to thrive.
I may check that out, thanks
Alice, is it based on fighting hypoglycemia?
Alice, is it based on fighting hypoglycemia?
Alice,
For your own sake (and sanity! I know how hard it is to live with constant chaos and crisis) you might want to check this out.
Whoops. Hit post to quick. Meant to say… you might want to check it out if you haven’t already.
JD, I congratulate you on your achievement. You are on the right track of recovery. Give youreself the time to follow through on this whole new idea and feeling. I, as others, are here to support you. So see your support system grows tremendously. Those that you mentioned in your diary must have certainly given you the right words to get to where you are today. You have something to live for today and all the tomorrows ahead of you today. YOur future is brighter than yesterday. One day at a time, and you are ok, just keep saying this to yourself…HUGS and welcome back. I, for one, have missed you and your insight into things. Your heart is so sincere. YOur mind is brilliant. Keep those sacred for yourself and those around you to treasure.
Thanks Brenda, I’ve missed you guys too. Maybe now I can write better without the haze.
Excellent news, JD! I have been wondering where you’ve been — glad to hear that it has been in places all good! Best of everything to you! I have missed your voice!
Thanks, I’ll try to write a little more now.
May you find the peace and joy that can and will accompany your new journey. There will be times of trials and tribulations, yet those will pale in comparison to the happiness you will find in this new journey.
I too suffer from PTSD and have had countless sessions to deal with the harm that was done to my psyche. I continue forward, knowing that my journey is not about getting somewhere, it is about the journey and what I gain within myself as I walk forward in this life.
That many here have offered you hope, help and love, speaks volumes of this community and you as a human being JD.
Mitakuye oyasin!
We are all related!
ghostdancers_way
Thanks GDW,
You remind me of my youth growing up in Sioux Falls, SD. A few of my Lakota friends were traditionals. I have a feeling of what they would say to me now; of the four sacred colors of mankind, something has introduced me to the yellow path. I knew the Lakota saying even before the translation – yes, we are indeed all related. Thanks again.
Best wishes to you.
I’m so glad things are coming together for you! Congratulations and if you want another good teacher/guide/companion can I suggest Thich Nhat Hanh? A Buddhist monk originally from Viet Nam.
I will check him out. I am interested in this, mainly because of the lack of zeal of anything outside but rather a rational approach to the inside. Thanks
Great news… just remember to keep your goals within reach. Let kicking the cigs and coffee go for now.
For me, it’s been over 15 years since I’ve had a drink. One thing has startled me: how come I have so much less time, now, that could be devoted to drinking? I was worried about what I would do with myself during the time I had spent inebriated.
Turns out not to be a problem at all.
Keep at it!
Thanks for the support Aaron, seems like a new chapter in life has opened for me.
JeffDem, so glad you’re back, and such good news. It seems to me, that if you are on the same wave length as The Dalai Lama, you are in very good company.
All those books, and bus stops, and suchlike–the universe is trying to tell you something, my friend. Synchronicity. Check it out.
Doesn’t mean you have to become a monk, or even a Buddhist, but it’s worth looking into. Tibetan Buddhism is, for me, more “entertaining” in that it has lots of colors and fancy pictures and goodies, less austere than Zen.
Hooray for you. And for us, who will benefit from your renewed commentary.
I can’t really claim to be on the same wave length but his words are resounding. I will definately check out the center this week, thanks.
You KNOW you can do it.
Thanks leftvet.
This seems to be a bigger challenge than the SFQC, but perhaps that was just a primer to ready me for bigger challenges in life. Yes, you are right, I know that I can do it. Thanks again.
if we have enough people in recovery to make it work, but I know we have a few like Ghostdancer. Maybe Friday and/or Saturday nights we could have a thread for people that are lonley and bored and tempted to go hit the bars. I know the weekends are the toughest time for people in recovery.
it is always better to have some face to face time, yet online is better than no contact.
http://alcoholism.about.com/od/online/
http://www.narecovery.org/
These have helped me when I could not find a meeting and needed someone just to listen.
Oh there are alot more here in recovery than you would probably guess. I personally like your idea. Anyone else up for it?
Great idea.
I think so too.
but my email addy is available and I will always help where I can. Recovery is tough enough without having to do it alone.
“I know the weekends are the toughest time for people in recovery.”
LOL
Anytime is a good time to drink! And one drink is too many and a thousand not enough.
There are many on-line recovery sites, some good, some nothing more than a big constant on-going flame war. I see someone has already posted a few links. I posted a few others below.
Good for you! As you can tell from reading these comments, you are not alone in this if that is any comfort. You can do it!
A caveat on Buddhism+psychology: please be careful-there are teachers and practitioners who mix the two in ways that are not necessarily skillful and may actually be harmful. Watch your healthy boundaries and your good sense and if your warning flags go up, pay attention despite the benefits you may be receiving from any form of Buddhism or other religion. Look out for guruism where the master(s) or their favored students can do no wrong because they are “enlightened beings”. I have found in Zen and Tibetan Buddhism for that to be a lot more subtle but still prevalent.
Good lick and I’m sending you metta!
Yes, I’m always the skeptic as well. I made sure of the center’s credentials and it seems authentic. Thanks for the heads up.
of Darkness is what you exhibit. When at your lowest ebb you pick yourself up and take a step into the unknown, seeking to rid yourself of an addiction that has been your worst enemy by appearing as a false friend, and follow that up with a public acknowledgment and an expression of gratitude is more than I could ever do.
And I admire that.
As for the Dalai Lama; I have heard him speak on two occasions, and if it were not for the fact that I’ve been born without the “faith” gene, I would follow him and his religion to the ends of the Earth.
From where I sit in my unaddicted, non-religious position, it seems to me that you’ve landed in the best possible place. Go forward and good luck.
Thanks for the encouraging words. I, too, lack the faith gene. What I liked about what I’ve read so far is that the doesn’t seem to be a “faith” in the western sense but rather a belief that everything is possible from ourselves as human beings, that it comes from within rather than without. That’s appealing to me.
You’re right in your assessment of Buddhism. It isn’t a “religious faith” but rather of way of being, how you are in your life. Several Buddhists I know are also Quakers.
When I first started meditating in the ’80s, I was working in a high-pressure job. I used a simple approach effective for me personally. After about a month, my boss called me in. “Are you in love?” he asked. He’d seen such a change in me, he thought that must be it.
I told him I’d been meditating about a month, and he gave me a copy of a book by Herbert Benson, MD, “The Relaxation Response.” I’m not recommending you read a book, but that didn’t matter. It was the change in me that mattered — and it came from within.
Here’s a piece at the Mayo Clinic that describes some of the empirical benefits of meditation and some simple methods suitable for personal adaptation.
Thank you for the link. I’m going into my 3rd week and am now discovering just how chaotic my mind actually is – monkey mind I think they call it. But it is good. This week I’ve been meditating then moving directly into my Wing Chun execises right after. It seems to give me a little more focus on my body posture and allows me to move slowly and fluidly.
I think the big question about Buddhism I have is if I follow this path, how many people will I help in my lifetime. Well, at least one – me, but I would like to help others as well.
My personal experience with meditation is that when I do it, I tend to help others without planning it. Chance encounters become helpful, for me and those I meet, when thoughts and words flow from within and sometimes surprise me!
I don’t know enough about Buddhism to comment, but I am a liberal, ecumenical Christian who believes helping people is the main point — whatever form you choose. If it’s about hate or fear, like the religious right, I reject it absolutely. If it’s about love and peace, I accept it. That’s an oversimplification, of course, but it’s my personal belief after years of searching.
The late American mystic Edgar Cayce brought me to this point. He was a Presbyterian churchman who began, rather accidentally, giving readings that helped people’s health. When readings started attributing curernt problems to previous lives, he didn’t want to go on because reincarnation seemed un-Christian to him. He was persuaded to continue helping people, and meditation was at the top of his list for helping everybody!
Though his work has been much commercialized and thus perhaps gone off-kilter, I found the connection between helping others, meditation, Buddhism, and Christianity. If you want a to ready about that, here’s a link:
http://www.edgarcayce.org/about_ec/cayce_on/meditation/
I know this is too long, but you really got me thinking, and I’m grateful!
All the best to you.
Nah, it’s not too long. Thanks for sharing. My younger brother, who also works in the field of critical theory, has been trying to get me to read Cayce as well…maybe I should. As far as finding out about Buddhism, I’m finding that I won’t know alot about it either…at least for 20 years or so. I believe that’s why they call it “practicing buddhism” rather than “I am a Buddhist” because it takes so long. There also seems to be a problematic philosophical point to “I am [anything]” as the practice is to negate the delusion of the self-centered ego, or “I”. That is, as far as I can tell in my readings so far.
You are right about kicking to many addictions at one time. I tried the patch yesterday and last night walking home from Wing Chun practice I was really jonesing for a cigarette and then the thought of a beer entered my mind, my pleasure wires in my mind got crossed. No beer but I bought a pack of cigs and everything then was ok. I do need to wait a while before I quit smoking. It was somewhat dangerous in that moment but I think just coming out of something constructive and healthy helped me to resist.
So, I passed that test. And as far as today, I will not drink.
Thanks for your support Cotterperson, it does help.
Easy for me to say, as my taste was always for bourbon over beer — but I still smoke. At least my mind works better now.
I understand what you mean about the “I”-ego point, and it really applies to Christianity, too, though few seem to consider it. Love God and your neighbor as yourself really means the physical ego “I” is third at least, depending on how many are seen as neighbors (everyone?). That’s why Buddhism and Christianity come together for me, personally.
It’s been about 20 years since I studied the Cayce readings, so I certainly don’t want to push that in particular. Should you want to see what your brother is talking about in a book that is entertaining, I’d suggest “There is a River” by Thomas Sugrue. It’s a page-turner compared to some more of the more scholarly research on Cayce, such as Gina Cerminara’s book, “Many Mansions,” which iirc was written first as a dissertation about Cayce for her Ph.D.
All the best to you on this path you’re on, JD.
When I first started meditating in the ’80s, I was working in a high-pressure job. I used a simple approach effective for me personally. After about a month, my boss (a physician) called me in. “Are you in love?” he asked. He’d seen such a change in me, he thought that must be it.
I told him I’d been meditating about a month, and he was delighted! He gave me a copy of a book by Herbert Benson, MD, “The Relaxation Response.” I’m not recommending you read that book or any other. It didn’t matter. It was the change in me that mattered — and it came from within.
Over the ensuing 30 years of on-and-off meditation, I’ve come to believe that whatever the question, the answer lies within.
Here’s a piece at the Mayo Clinic that describes some of the empirical benefits of meditation and some simple methods suitable for personal adaptation.
Wishing you peace and joy within, JD. Congratulations!
But glad to read about your recovery here. Sobriety is such a bitch sometimes, and so intense … but that intensity expands your world in so many ways. I, at least, have finally found I want all the dips and valleys — all of it — to experience a full and worthy human life (even though not numbing your pain to reality really sucks eggs sometimes).
The Buddhist part of your journey echoes my own. I got sober (almost) 18 years ago when my then-husband was in Episcopal seminary. Over the years both of us (now divorced) have drifted separately towards Buddhism since it seems to so underscore the “stay in the moment” philosophy it takes to get sober.
Congratulations on your victory. You’ve done a strong, brave and beautiful thing.
and if you can handle more Eastern wisdom: “The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.” You’ve taken that first step, and several others…just keep the feet going, one in front of another.
Blessings and peace to you…
Or like Bill Murry – baby steps, baby steps!
blobs isn’t as tragic or life altering as addiction to mood altering substances, but boy do I resonate with the problems of finding a life without my addictions.
Hang in there, JD. My best to you. You might find it refreshing to talk to some of the Buddhists nearby — they’re generally very calm and level headed.
Here is the most important thing I learned about recovery:
Relapse isn’t the end of the world. It is to be avoided as best as you can, but I found a great amount of hostility in a certain 12 step program to the notion that relapse is a natural part of recovery. It is all part of a learning experienc and I was fortunate to find alternative recovery programs that better fit my internal makeup and needs, like Rational Recovery. The open hostility and dismissal of alternative solutions by those in the “traditional” recovery community just reinforced my feeling that I needed something different.
Mistakes often do happen. The important thing is how you view them and pick up and go on from there.
I wish all the best for you.
Peace
I hope that you meant to say that some in the traditional recovery community are hostile and dismissive, supersoling.
I was influenced by many wonderful human beings that made it clear to me that I would have to decide what methods would work for me in my recovery.
There are no set rules in the 12 step commnunities that I belong too. Each of us must strive to find the path that will allow us to recover from the horrors of our disease.
I encourage anyone that I encounter to seek that which will enhance their ability to make recovery the priority in their lives.
And I agree with you that relapse needs to be avoided if possible, yet it is in fact just a part of the process of recovery. My hope is that anyone who does relapse will find their way back to recovery as quickly as possible. We in recovery do something each day that is a miracle, we who are addicted to substances, refrain from using that substance for a single day, so that our lives can continue in a journey that can and is rewarding to us as human beings.
Naturally, I can’t speak for all AA groups, and did not intend to imply that. But, in every instance that I encountered with those in the AA groups that I tried to attend, there was a uniform dismissal of alternative programs. I can understand their personal belief that AA gives one the best chance of success, but it was taken beyond that. I saw no alternative BUT to seek an alternative because of their views about it. When I brought my feelings up in meetings, I, or the idea of going elsewhere was actually scoffed at. To me that was not inclusive.
I have seen this phenom occur also and it is indeed sad that some people have taken their absolutes within addiction and placed them within a recovery community.
There are two absolutes in my life, I was born and I will die.
The rest of my life is a process and journey and it is up to me to do the very best I can with what I have in this life. AA/NA helped me tremendously, though I am primarily attend NA meetings, seems old time AA’ers don’t like to hear about heroin addicts who drink to much. lmao
Anyway, I am glad you found what you needed supersoling and recovery can and is found in many varied ways.
I’ve had this conversation with RR folks before. Unfortunately it is true that there are AA Nazi’s. It is very understandable on the one hand. On the other it shows a misunderstanding of AA literature. To me it is a reflection of the fundamentalist and liberal approaches we see in many religions and other belief systems.
There are those that think AA is a doorway to Christianity and that in order to practice AA properly one must autmatically practice Christianity. But as many here in this thread will atest… the way of spirituality expressed in AA better matches… for them… what they see in buddhism or native american faiths or… whatever belief system it is that works for them.
Sobriety is such a precious gift to an alcoholic. The alcoholic clings to it as a drowning man to a life preserver. It is hardly surprising that when someone comes along and says something perceived as negative about the life preserver that it evokes a major negative response. Likewise, it is not suprising that an alcoholic that has tried many, many times to get sober and never succeeded until AA came along will naturally just assume that this is THE WAY and that it applies to everyone and someone that says otherwise is misguided and deluded, in denial or whatever. I try not to worry too much about those reactions. Alcoholics, sober or not, are still sick people and our sickness will pop up in strange ways even many years into recovery. It is a process of life and not an event. Luckily for us we have a program and a process that works to solve many of these strangenesses within us. Many people go through life without such a program or process.
I had an on-going conversation with an RR friend named Sue years ago. It started negatively but as each of us described our experiences we discovered that though we used different terminology and symbolism that much of what we did in a successful RR or AA approach to our problem was really the same. The beast and the inner voice and the obssession to drink. The difference was mainly language and symbolism. Likewise those who say it must be religion, chrisitianity and God, and those who say no, or say Zen or “rational thought.” Whatever works for the individual.
There are many paths up the mountain… but the view from the top is the same.
Peace,
Andrew
When the day rolls around and I’m not permitted a mistake or two, how else will I learn? I learn as much from my failures as I do my successes, and without my failures I would have forgotten my humanity and I may have lost touch with my soul (what a sucky way to live!).
It even says in the Big Book of AA “Upon therapy for the alcoholic himself,we surely have no monopoly.” There are many alternatives to AA. The truth of the matter is only about 1 in 25 stay sober. I feel strongly that AA’s original concept of one alkie talking to another was great. It has been around for over sixty years. It was also meant to teach a new way of living and moving back into society. I have watched so many just make AA a substitute addiction and never move beyond their addiction. IMHO and what worked for me was to also balance AA with therapy because for me drinking/drugging was just one of the symptoms of my disease. I needed to get to wwhat I was trying to fill, what was missing, what I was stuffing to get at the root cause. I believe for me that AA was crucial for my getting sober and I was critical to staying sober. But there are other solutions, the biggest being don’t pick up a drink, just for today.If I had not had the willingness to look at myself and my past and work through the pain I would not be sober today. That was the difference between being a dry drunk and being a clean and sober human being for me. The emotional sobriety comes much more slowly.
Page 64:
“Our liquor was but a symptom. So we had to get down to causes and conditions.”
I had no idea. I have always enjoyed your presence so much and have missed it a lot. I assumed that you had found some different blogs to participate in. I heave a huge sigh (my husband hates them because he never knows what they mean unless he asks me), you must take very very good care of you. You are the only JD that we have. I am once again completely unwilling to lose another intellect and articulate voice to PTSD. Whatever you need is first priority with me too where you are concerned! Been busy yesterday finishing up my series on Crawford and I didn’t read your diary until this morning.
Thanks Tracy,
Took me awhile to reply to you…kinda got choked up by your words. No, I will not do anything stupid, especially now that I am experiencing sobriety. Scary thing though is that I didn’t leave any note, had no fantasies about the after effects, but just wanted to relieve internal pain and sink into the abyss. God, I am lucky that I had that one last beer and passed out. On the other hand, I think I had to reach that dangerous point before I was sincerely ready to seek out help. Thank you for being there, my friend, and the best wishes to your husband and son.
taking such an important step. Itired 12 years as a dry drunk, and now have 13 years in AA..believe me AA works better. Turning things over and taking it one day at a time is good advice any day..but especially helpful with what’s going on in the outside world right now. May you have many beautiful sober days.
JD… Welcome Home.
Couple things I’d lilke to say…
as a big fan of buddhist thought… Zen more than Tibetan in my case… I heartily recommend a thorough study and reflection on the ideas for living life in the present that are expressed there… however… I strongly suggest… I cannot possibly suggest it stronger then I am now… I strongly suggest that youu read this book first before getting into any religious or philosophical stuff. Read it from cover to cover and then… do it again. Read a few pages or a chapter every morning over breakfast and coffee. Finish the day with it or this book. These are the 2 most important books you will ever read and each time you read them you will discover more and more in them (and in you).
In the early days of recovery it essential to immerse ourselves in the thoughts of recovery just as we once immersed ourselves in the bottle.
I don’t know where in Germany you live but this site might be able to help you find AA meetings. There is more info to be found here.
Recovery is a way of life. It is not something we do and then move on from. Just as drinking was the centerpice of life so recovery becomes the centerpiece. We do whatever it takes to not pick up that first drink today. That’s all it takes. One drink, one day. Don’t worry about the second drink or the twenty second drink and don’t worry about tomorrow or next week or your brithday or new years or whatever. Don’t pick up the first drink today and you won’t get drunk today. It is as simple… and as hard… as that. I won’t lie to you. Getting sober and staying sober is not easy. If you are an alcoholic it is the hardest thing you will ever do… it is also the most worthwhile thing you will ever do. It will open you up to a life you cannot now imagine.
Click my profile. Grab my email address. remove the .nospam. from it. If you ever need to talk send me an email. There are lots of online meetings as well. I am online most of the day everyday. Do not hestitate. This is something we do together not alone. You need never be alone again.
Peace,
Andrew W.
Thank you Andrew for your kind words and the links. I was looking for the blue book. I found an AA group here just this week. My mom, now 20 or so years now sober, went through AA but had a similar experience as above and found her group to be extremely judgemental. Her last meeting was when a woman had a one glass of wine with her boss at Christmas and was still beating herself up about it 6 months later and the group was reenforcing the guilt. Nevertheless I will attend the 12 step program.
As far as the philosophy/spiritual side. I am working on my doctorate in German lit. My field also demands a healthy dose of German Idealism such as works from Kant, Hegel, etc. I found, from what I’ve read so far, a lot of similarities in Buddhist thought. So I am not looking at this blindly as one who is “born again” or vulnerable to cultism. Rather, what has struck my interest is how rationality is practiced within one’s own mind. So I hope to explore that further.
Thank you again for your kind words and offer, I may just look to you as an online sponsor 🙂
Feel free. There are several people available to you here with high quality sobriety. Make use of us all. You will be helping us far more then we will ever be able to help you.
Please stick with AA. If you have questions or concerns or resentments about what happens in meetings bring them here and talk with some of us about them. In Al-Anon there is a saying “Take what you like and leave the rest.” I prefer to alter that statement slightly “Take what yoou like and leave the rest… for now,” or “Take what you makes sense and you can work with today and leave the rest for later when it starts to make sense too (or you know it for the bullshit of another sick mind).” One of the things I do to not get bent out of shape by some of the things I hear or see in meetings is to remind myself that whenever I walk into a meeting I am walking into a room full of drunks in varying stages of recovery and with varying degrees of spiritual and emotional sobriety.
And do find yourself a face to face sponsor. Take a little while. Go to lots of different meetings. Listen and watch people. Find someone that has the quality of spiritual sobriety that you want for yourself and then ask them to sponsor you.
There is no perfect sponsor. Don’t get hung up on that. We are fallible and no matter how long the sobriety we are all still drunks with screwy thinking that we are working on improving a day at a time. A sponsor is not god and should not be put up on a pedestal. They are a guide. Someone that has been there and has used the steps to climb out of the misery of active alcoholism. Their job is to help you understand and use the steps in your daily life. Nothing more. They can’t do it for you. What they can do is say “This is what it was like for me and this is what I did and these are the results I got. I suggest that you try these things too.” Then it is up to you to put it into practice in your daily life. We can’t do it for you but we can be there with you every step of the way. What I would suggest you look for is someone that is clearly putting the program to use in their daily lives to solve whatever problems they may be experiencing.
Alcoholics drink. That’s what we do. My second AA meeting came almost 2 years after my first one. I spent just about the last 6 years of my drinking trying to control and or stop drinking. My ego was such that I would not and could not give AA a try until I was thoroughly and completely beaten into submission.
And that is exactly what I was when I crawled into that second meeting.
I didn’t really think it would work but nothing else had and it was the only thing left. Luckily for me there were some guys there that talked about their drinking in a way that made it clear they knew exactly what it was like for me. That it made it possible for me to believe them when they told me there is a solution. I decided I would give this AA thing an honest try. If it didn’t work I would simply go back to doing it my way.
I haven’t had to take a drink since.
It wasn’t easy. It was very hard and I needed all the help and positive reinforcement I could get. Hence the suggestion to get to as many meetings as you possibly can. Go early, stay late. Get to know people. Find a sponsor. Get phone numbers and get involved in on-line groups so that whenever that urge hits… and it will… I use to get it so bad I would literally be shaking from the adrenaline push to run out and get a drink, it felt like electricity coursing through my veins… whenever that urge hits you know that you only have to go another hour until you get to your meeting or there is a phone number to call or an on-line meeting to logon to. When all else fails working with another alcoholic will always get you through the moment.
In the early days I would start my day reading a few pages of the big book over my morning coffee. I’d be my usual miserable bastard self during the morning at the office then I would read a few pages of the 12 & 12 over lunch before being a slightly less miserable bastard all afternoon at work. Sometimes in the late afternoon I’d make one of those phone calls. Leaving work I’d know I only had an hour or two until my nightly meeting. I went to one, sometimes two every night. On the weekends it was often a noontime meeting and an evening meeting. Big book meetings, step meetings, speaker meetings, discussion meetings, all kinds.
I needed the constant reinforcement. I dove in the water and stayed there. I didn’t really raise my head up until somewhere in my second year. And sometime in there I raised my head and took a look at my life and began to become aware of the reality around me. There was much wreckage and chaos in my family. Alcoholism is a family disease. Everyone around the alcoholic suffers from it. At that point I began the real purpose of the 12 step program. Only the first step deals with alcohol and not drinking. All the rest of it is a program for spiritual, mental and emotional development. It is a program for daily living.
Welcome!
Peace,
Andrew