This post was originally written in response to some people’s concern that their children weren’t interested in the opposite sex. I have edited it for this location.
For background, it should be noted that I am almost seventeen years old. I have never dated anyone. I have never had a boyfriend. I have never wanted to change this. I have, however, taken a keen interest in the experiences of others.
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I’ve spent a good deal of time brooding about why my friends, the ones who date, spend so much time angsting about the whole business, and I’ve reached a conclusion: They’re doing something they know they aren’t ready for because they feel specific societal pressures.
What are these pressures? I sense a pressure to pair off, as though being single is a badge of shame. Once paired, there is a pressure to maintain that pairing, probably because breaking up is painful. (I believe this may bite at both ends — assuming that your relationships will last for a long time and be very deep leads to more pain when they don’t fill those criteria.) I sense a pressure to start practicing mate attraction and retention as young as possible.
I also see a lot of mistaken assumptions. I see kids thinking that there will be one, and just one, person for them who will be immediately apparent. I see kids thinking that their partner will just know what they expect from relationships. I see a lot of assumptions of telepathy.
I think a major problem is the standard fairy tale. “And they were married and lived happily ever after.” Anyone applying logical thought to that sentence will conclude that of course “happily” is a relative term, and the marriage is probably nothing like the only cause of that happiness anyway. But words have power. They change the way people think. Whether we actually believe it consciously or not, those words have burrowed their way into a lot of minds. They confuse the heck out of teenagers who haven’t actually had personal experience of it not working that way yet and who have only observation and the media as guides.
So what I am suggesting is that your average teenager does not get into relationships because they are prepared for romance, but because they have some mistaken concepts of the way the world works. These concepts cause things that are harmless, like break-ups, and things that are not so harmless, like STDs and unwanted babies (from such mistaken assumptions as “sex will fix the problems in my relationship” and “you can’t get pregnant your first time,” but that’s another can of worms.)
Enough of such doom and gloom, though; let’s talk about how we can fix this. I suggest a simple five-step program.
Step one: Clarify in your own mind that relationships require work and communication. Shake off any shards of the “true love works no matter what” philosophy that may be clogging your head — you might not even realise they’re there, but I’ll bet they are.
Step two: Clarify in your own mind that sex does not fix the problems in a relationship. I’m not so sure that everyone needs this step, but I put it in just in case.
Step three: Real life is not a Shakespeare play, in which love is immediate and permanent. Be sure you fully grasp this.
Step four: Remind yourself that “single” is a normal, natural, and usually healthy state. It is not a misfortune, shameful disease, or sign of failure. This should be easily grasped, but it’s still worth clarifying.
Now that you’re sure that you’ve got your mind clear, move on to
Step five: Pass it on. Tell your kids, if you’ve got them. Tell your friends. Tell whoever you think needs to be told. Write to your local paper. Try to sell the notion to a movie studio. Write a children’s book. Sure, it’ll get you laughed at and you’ll be able to paper every room in your house with the rejection slips, but won’t it be worth it?
Comments? Flames? Am I crazy, confused, or onto something? Let me know.
