An Ode to New Orleans
By Klif Fuller

Meeting at Heathrow for the twelve hour haul,
Getting our drinks from Breezy Maul,
We’re looking forward, one and all,
To Halloween in N’awlins and the Anne Rice Ball.

We’re storing our personal electronic devices,
From American Air Crews who don’t know who Anne Rice is,
Add on the state tax to work out the prices,
Our rooms are not ready but it’s not a crisis.

The ‘Roma’, the ‘Moonlite’, the ‘Half-Moon Bar’,
Those legs ’round my neck were the smoothest by far,
Little Bo Peep in her knickers and bra,
“DAVE! MIND THE FUCKIN’ STREETCAR!”

‘Coz the streetcars all come with a cloaking device,
Your Hurricane comes with three tons of ice,
Jambalaya and Gumbo, Red Beans and Rice,
That bloke with the bunches is “Vampire Spice”.

Magazine, Decatur, Royal and Dumaine,
Up and down, back and forth, again and again,
Each morning on Bourbon the sidewalk’s a stain,
As beer, piss and vomit are hosed down the drain.

The prices shown are not what Y’all pays,
Never wear black when eating Beignets,
Barmen and cab-drivers, day after day,
“Y’all from Australia?” is what they all say.

You don’t wear a waistcoat, Y’all wear a vest,
When you order your Po’Boy, “Y’all want that dressed?”
The toilets are “Rest Rooms”, so in case you can’t guess,
“You don’t take a leak”, Y’all “go for a rest”.

If you’re lucky the rest room will have a ‘stall’,
But the door and the sides stop 4 feet up the wall,
Now that’s kinda awkward if you’re 6 feet tall,
If I can be seen, then I can’t ‘go’ at all.

We thought the Anne Rice Ball would be where it’s at,
With hundreds of people dressed like Lestat,
Not dressed like Darth Vader or the Cat in the Hat,
And women in ball gowns and all REALLY fat!

But Charlie don’t surf on the Bayou Lagoon,
“If Y’all wanna see ‘gators, Y’all should come in June”,
Lobbing marshmallows at a helpless Racoon,
Gift Shop lady sez “Y’all come back soon”.

With five cemeteries, more is less,
Poor Margaret was in a lot of distress,
The man in the ball gown, I must confess,
Was a bit confident for a bloke in a dress.

Down the Mississippi on the ‘Creole Queen’,
Cruising along with Lorraine and Dean,
He’s quite a sight on the Vampire Scene,
She’s the biggest Lestat fan there’s ever been.

“They Shat Their Pants” is on TV,
Seventy draft beers at ‘The Balcony’,
“Hi, I’m Frank, the owner and the drinks are on me”,
Southern Hospitality.

Gooey eyes on the ceiling that stare blindly down,
Still having both kidneys after a night on the town,
The ten minute monsoon in N’awlins is renowned,
But we had our brollies, so we didn’t drown.

Abita Amber, Green Chartreuse,
Zydeco, Cajun, Jazz and Blues,
Sit in a bar, or check out the views,
In N’awlins there’s so much to choose.

So, Jen & Elsa our thanks go to you,
For setting it up and seeing it through,
There’d have been no holiday if not for you two,
So, when’s the money for Egypt due?