My church has not been flooded, or struck by high winds, It’s faced no fire, flood, or other disaster. But it is being battered — by the same moral questions that are ringing through politics and churches nationwide.
My church is a United Church of Christ church. As many people are aware, the national body of the UCC voted earlier this year that member churches should not only allow gay unions, but sanction them as marriages no different from traditional marriages. However, just because the UCC national board says something, members (and member churches) do not always agree.
There’s nothing wrong with disagreement, even in a church — at least, I don’t believe there is — but this time, the ripples are still growing larger, and threaten to become waves that could overwhelm our small church.
Last Tuesday night, there was a meeting of the church to consider the issue. I regret to say that a funeral took me out of town, and I wasn’t there to speak in the meeting. However, I was very disheartened to hear, in reports of this meeting, not only that the discussion became very heated, but that it was very one sided. Despite being a UCC church, the majority of those present not only opposed the idea of sanctioning gay marriage, I think it’s safe to say they were openly hostile to the idea. More than one person went so far as to say that if our local church did not oppose this idea, they would leave the church. Others proposed that the church itself should leave the UCC and align itself with another church body.
All of the above makes my church sound very backwards, but that’s not really true. This is a very small church. We’re lucky to have 100 people in the two Sunday services combined. It’s an old church, populated mainly by old German families that have lived in this valley for nearly 200 years — the last generation of dairy farmers and rural workers, who are now finding themselves pushed out by the ever expanding radius of suburban commuters. The average age in the church is on the high side of 50.
However, this church has also been very good at taking in “religious refugees.” My family, and another of the Sunday school teachers, are both former Southern Baptists who left that church after the right-wing staged a takeover of the convention (a model for how the neocons came to control the Republican party). Two other couples in my adult class are former Catholics, looking to escape teachings there that they find ever more rigid. It’s a church that runs its own “meals on wheels” program, taking food to elderly and the disabled. We have a food pantry for the poor. It’s a church whose common prayer just this morning included:
In a couple of weeks, we are to have another meeting of the church and face those decisions. Will the church decide to follow the instructions of the national body? Will it stay in the UCC, but not follow these teachings (UCC churches have a lot of power to set their own beliefs), or will those most upset by the idea of gay marriage drive the church to leave the UCC?
As usual, it is the people who are most upset by the idea who are driving the agenda. I need words. I need words that are going to not only be effective in convincing the church that we should accept gay marriage, but do so without further ripping open the wounds this issue is causing.
I intend to say something like:
We should all remember, Jesus thought this issue was so important that he spoke on it… not at all. As we discuss it tonight, let us remember what is really important. Jesus taught us that all law came down to one statement: do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Everything else should only be an echo of that one law.
What we’re doing here tonight will be remembered. We look back now on those people caught up in the debates over slavery, over the rights of women, and over interracial marriage and we wonder “how could they ever have doubted the answer?” It all looks so clear to us now. But they were caught in the tumult. They prayed for guidance, just as we do. They looked to the Bible, just as we do. And good people with good hearts, sometimes reached conclusions that now seem terribly wrong.
A generation from now, this issue will also seem clear to our children. They may think we’ve made the right decision tonight, or they may think we’ve made an error. But if we err, please let them think that we erred on the side of acceptance. That we erred on the side of understanding. Let them think we were too generous with our love. I believe they will forgive us for that.
That’s what I want to say, but it’s not enough. If someone else has been through this, I’d appreciate some insight. If someone has notes or comments form people who fought in those previous battles, I’d love some good quotes. If someone just has an idea what I can say to soften some hearts, I’m all ears.
Thanks.
In the real hope I can get some help on this one.
in the interests of full disclosure, I should say that I am not a christian. However, I was brought up a christian and find value in many of the (before they were corrupted) teachings.
I think one can do no better that to look at 1 Corinthians 13 – because it is all about love. Much as it grieves me to refer to the great mysogynist (Paul) for anything, his letter on love covers so much that I cannot leave it be.
Look especially at:
Who is any man to say what sort of love is to be sanctioned?
Those who would quote homosexuality as being ‘an abomination’ (from Leviticus, I think?) need to look at the context: the world has changed – would they seriously consider it realistic to see wearing mixed fibres as an abomination?
Can anyone truly see love, commitment, care for others, as being wrong in any way? Who is fit to judge such care, love and commitment as being unworthy of their god’s blessing?
Who is fit to judge?
All I can add here is that this is the issue of our day, just as Segregation/Civil Rights was the issue of our parents day. You can either be on the side of the Civil Rights folks or the side of the Segregationists, there is no difference in these two fights and the same rhetoric was used by the Segregationists that is being used by the Homophobes. It’s about treating others who aren’t exactly like you just like you treat those who are more similar.
It’s also about seeing that there are far more similarities to all of us than differences. The biggest problem with your church is that they don’t know enough gay people so they see them as ‘the other’ and some sort of threat instead of loving people who make the fabric of society stronger.
You cannot save your church, it must save itself by practicing Christianity, if it doesn’t it will go asunder.
I think your statement is fine — it says what needs to be said, clearly and gently.
You may not be able to change their minds, however. With a membership this small, and the demographics you describe, what it sounds like you’re really facing here is ignorance and lack of experience — and because of that, there’s a lot of trepidation and fear. They can’t imagine accepting gay marriage because they probably don’t know any gay couples.
The biggest factor I’ve ever seen in how accepting a person is to equal rights for gays is how many gay people they know personally. Knowing gay people, seeing how a stable, loving same-sex relationship is not so very different from a opposite-sex one, makes all the difference in the world. If the members of your church have not had that experience, then you’re asking them to make a tremendous leap of faith they may not be ready for…. yet.
The UCC national leadership left this open for individual churches to decide in order to avoid exactly the conflict you’re describing. They knew it would be controversial. They knew not all their member congregations would understand, or agree with their position. They also knew it was the right thing to do.
People’s hearts and their viewpoints can be changed, but rarely overnight. I think in the long run, it will do more to aid your ultimate goal — the acceptance of gay marriage and equality for gay couples — to accept that this body of people needs more time to overcome their concerns and prejudices (and lack of experience), and focus on loving them just as they are…. and changing their minds a little at a time. To let the church tear itself apart is nonproductive; it advances neither the case for gay marriage nor the message of God’s love.
Let the church vote as it will. Clearly they’re not ready to accept the UCC national policy, but that same policy allows them make their own decision. Respect and love them enough to let them do that. Persuade them also to stay within the UCC denomination — since the national leadership allowed for individual churches to set their own policy, there is no need to leave. (And if they stay, they will hear more positive stories filter through the national network about the results of allowing gay marriage than if they leave.)
The only way prejudice and fear can be overcome is through patience and love. Ignorance can only be overcome by understanding. Their decision is not the end of the battle, it’s only the beginning. But the only way to change their position is to first accept their right to have one, even if you believe it’s wrong. And you’ll do better convincing them one at a time rather than en mass, when they’re already feeling backed into a corner by the national ruling.
Anyway, I’ve rambled enough; hope it makes sense. Good luck, and God bless…
Paul also said that in Christ there is no male and female, although you’d never know it from some of the other things Paul said.
Your statement is wonderful Dt. I wish I had suggestions, but I don’t. I do encourage you keep trying to reach a few people for advice who have already been through the fires. I’d aim high–like Bishop John Shelby Spong of the Episcopal persuasion. If you can get them to respond, they might have some wisdom for you.
retired bishop, I believe.
I think the words you have prepared and those suggested are very good.
However, I think it is very important to go into this meeting prepared to listen – to listen without an agenda – prepared to listen so well that you will hear not only what is said, but what the speaker(s) has not spoken aloud. And to be prepared to ask people to clarify what they have said.
Listen for the fear that is so often (always?) under the words that sound so angry.
Bring into the open the fears you hear – the concerns – in the most gentle way you can. Being heard is so important. It is one way to to acknowledge that a person has value – “I hear you and what you say matters to me.”
How can anyone take in any message when they are in a shut down defensive position? The walls just get reinforced and positions get locked. There is no room to move.
It may even be worth requesting the decision to be postponed till the fears are brought into the open and discussed. Maybe then people will be able to listen and hear what you have to say.
Please let us know what happens.
Your words are very good, DT. And I think Tampopo has excellent advice. What are people scared of? People want their fears to be accepted – not necessarily that you accept the reasons for their fears, but accept the reality of their particular emotions.
However, you may not be able to persuade anyone.I do think that what persuades many is getting to know persons who are gay, and becoming comfortable with them in contexts that do not focus on their sexual orientation. As is true for most people. Mostly we don’t deal with each others’ sexuality on a day to day, moment to moment basis. We just interact as friends, as business acquaintances, as people with a common goal or understanding about life. And gay persons have those in common with non-gay people, but your church members don’t know that. Some will likely think gay persons are predators (no more true than for straight folks), or pedophiles (ditto, or even less true).
But I think it may come to you deciding if you can live with the prejudices of these people, and hope to see them change over time. This issue is important, but it isn’t like the complete takeover of the SBC – it is a single, very important issue, about which many people have changed – and some will not. (the SBC takeover was terrible, like snuffing out all growth).
You may find some small room to breathe that would change some person’s minds over time. For example, possibly you could agree not to split if the church will agree to open education and discussions of the issue over the next year or so. Study what is known about homosexuality (not myth), and see if there are some persons who are willing to discuss their lives as gay persons, as partners, as friends both gay and straight, and as Christians. I don’t know, that might be hard to do. It would put a lot of burden on any gay persons who talk with your church members.
I just keep thinking, Missouri is the “show me” state – and your members need time, and opportunities created, to be shown the reality of what acceptance can mean, and the reality that their fears are almost certainly unfounded.
I wish you well in this.