[From the diaries by susanhu. We are all walking with you, Janet!]
Normally I am able to express what I am feeling, but today it’s such a jumble of emotions and thoughts and concerns all whirlwinded together with an overwhelming sense of freedom.
This is the diary I was not going to write. I need to pack. I need to print things off and make a few calls and I need to fucking breathe… my thoughts go swinging from one thing to another. Like mental monkey bars.
I don’t want to sound like a bawling baby. I’ve faced demons that would make grown men shit razor blades. I’ve seen so much in my life. I’ve fought. I’ve hollered. I’ve called and written. I’ve been quoted and misquoted. I’ve been harrassed and I’ve been interviewed. But I have never run. I have never backed down.
But I have yet to experience such a flood of emotions. Why is this? It’s a march. It’s a flight to and fro and we’ll be okay. I’m not worried about physical safety. I guess I’m worried that this too won’t matter, won’t be covered or will be twisted by the Rove machine media. That this too will be stolen and hijacked – just as they stole our children’s future and rights, as they stole our men and women and made them pawns in a war for greed and profit. Just as they steal the tears of mothers who only want answers, just as they steal the flag from our hearts and call us traitors because we simply want the truth.
Yet I know that this is a turning point for our entire country. Even as Rita bears down on our fellow Americans, the truth is bearing down on the Red Regime. The truth, the outrage and the demand for accountability and answers.
I’m not a traitor.
My two friends have sig lines since this “election”..
“Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter”-MLK – from my dearest friend Mrs. Ski (momagainstthedraft)
“Activism is my rent for living on this planet.”- Alice Walker – my other friend Ken
Last night my heart skipped as I realized I will walk past security, probably giant olive green military type vehicles – the same kind I grew up as a kid watching go down the street or parked next to the base commissary… I will see faces of so many who hate us. Hate us for wanting to stop the shame?? Wanting our rights and our people and our lives to be protected?
Bush is the supreme failure. His whole administration is a sham and a shame. They, to me, are war criminals to the nth degree. They are the traitors to anything decent or positive that this country was once intended to be.
So call me pathetic and call me fucked in the head, but I want my kids growing up FREE and with justice and liberty in their hearts and in their lives. I want them to know they live in the greatest country ever because we took back our country and we GAVE BACK to the world. We should be the caregivers and providers of the poor and needy. We should be the heros for the underdogs. We should be the nurses for the sick and elderly. That is what America stands for. That is why I want her back. I’m sick and tired of being ashamed of this government. I’m sick and tired of fighting the very people who should be working for US!
So yeah, I’m going from mad to sad and from… damn a liberating feeling of wanting to belt out some Janis Joplin tunes to a sense of worry…. I’m like this because I don’t know what is to be. But during, I’m pretty cool. Like with the typhoons… I was a jumble before it struck but during I was able to get neighbors cared for and such… so don’t worry that I’m a loose cannon or namby pamby… I live by my emotions and my passion and right now they are overwhelming.
Tonight I fly out from Sacramento. I do not like to fly. At all. I do not like to be away from my children. At all. This is actually the hardest part for me. I worked for the airlines as a way to confront my fear… (see I don’t run from anything LOL) and yet I still do not like to fly. I worry about my son. Last night he voiced his concerns to his Dad while being tucked in. I could hear his hushed voice and it broke my heart. Wayne comforted him. The children have made me a march guide and a peace bracelet that will be tied to my wrist tonight and won’t come off till these bastards are ousted and face charges.
I hate this. I’m not a hero. I’m not an activist. I’m not anything. I’m just a mom, a woman, a human who can’t stand this anymore.
But… also… I know that this is just the beginning. This is just the first baby step into a path that I’m supposed to be on. This will be a healing journey. A way for me to confront monsters. When I return, I want to start working on campaigns.
I want to go to college so that I can improve my life so that I can work as a spokesperson for a cause or orgnaization. So that I can publish those stories about the monsters under our beds and in our closets while I fight and battle the monsters in our government.
This was supposed to be a post in the social. …. I looked up from my tears and saw I had purged more tears and I feel yet another pause in the typhoon of feelings.
This year so much has happened to my family. My son’s surgery where I learned who my real friends were. Where I learned that people only love you if you make them feel good, and they leave you if you try to change things for the better for everyone. I’ve lost “friends” and I’ve lost family members. But I can not sit by and do nothing. Every fight, every letter, every rant, evey wish and hope has led to this… this beginning.
I have looked up in these dark times and found that I’m surrounded by wonderful, caring people who have the same hopes and fears that I do. I am surrounded by love and bravery.
All my life I’ve fought monsters by myself.
This time, I’m not alone.
I think a lot of us are feeling the way you’re feeling.
I am really looking forward to meeting you tomorrow and marching with you on Saturday! Now, get packing! We’ve gotta go slay some dragons…
Weather is predicted to be sunny — 77 degrees for Sat. Sweet!
You really ARE a hero. I can’t blame you for being scared, because the place you’re going should feel like home to you, but won’t welcome you. I don’t trust it either.
Those of us who can’t march will be riding on your shoulders. Thanks for ignoring your fears and choosing to do the right thing. We’ll be with you all in spirit. Your children will bless you for being so brave and honorable.
because the place you’re going should feel like home to you, but won’t welcome you. I don’t trust it either.
I think you’ll be surprised. One of the functions of this area has always been to be the home/focus for protest and dissent. It’s part and parcel of DC life & I believe many are still respectful of this role in a healthy system of checks and balances despite the screeching on right-wing radio.
Also, small local businesses are looking forward to your arrival. Generally, the metropolitan police have a “if you don’t give us trouble, we won’t give you trouble” attitude. Many members are equally disgusted with the administration/war, although it won’t show “on the job.”
The WaPo has a lead article today that I think reflects this mood. So, while good judgment should be exercised throughout the day, particularly in the face of “counter-protestors”, don’t let this administration interfere with a visit to YOUR nation’s capital while exercising YOUR constitutionally-protected rights.
“I hate this. I’m not a hero. I’m not an activist. I’m not anything. I’m just a mom, a woman, a human who can’t stand this anymore.”
You are the most powerful force in the universe.
I would have never guessed that I would ever be called to do such a thing either. I am unsure and yet glad. I had to sing to myself all the way to Texas so that I wouldn’t worry about how fucking stupid I was being and wasting my time and gas and money. I believe in Synergy though and believe that when people meet together for all the right reasons and they join hands and hearts and souls that that energy changes the fabric of the world around us. It does, it can, it will and I will always be unsure of my place in it all and only know I was called and I could not ignore the voice making the request. See you tomorrow, travel safe.
As someone said, “We are living in interesting times.” I too am feeling a typhoon of emotions. I can’t be in DC but I know people who will be and I honor you all. Stay safe. You represent the best in our people. The traitors are those who wish to prevent you from speaking truth to power. Try not to be angry with those misguided people but focus on the positive of what you are doing for yourself, your children, for all Americans and this planet. All I can say is thank you.
My concern this morning is for one of my closest friends in Houston. She has tried twice to leave but can’t even get onto the highway ramp. It’s that packed with people fleeing Rita’s wrath. She will try again this afternoon or evening. Barring that, she will ride it out alone in her home with her dogs and cats. I guess that’s not really alone. She is frightened. I am also…for her. Pray for the people in Rita’s path.
and fucking envy you.
Travel safely — I owe you a Sharks game when you get back; name the day, I’ll scrounge up the tickets…
…at all.
I hope you get the chance to put some more faces to screen names. I wish I could join you.
Travel safe, both ways.
There will be anywhere from 40 to 100 people at breakfast on Saturday.
I hope this place has ROOM for all your FRIENDS!!!
GEEZ- I hope somebody alerted the Holiday Inn about Hurricane MSOC.
But seriously,this is very important work you are all doing, and DJ- to be afraid and still do what is right anyway,is called courage.
I salute you all.:)))
You are in my thoughts and in my prayers. Call anytime…day or night while you are travelling…I’ll email all the phone numbers (including the hubby’s cell number!) If Wesley or Danni want to call…they can call me also…and I’ll tell them about all the really nice people that will be with their Mom.
I believe as we embark on this new journey that we will all be stronger for it.
Give big hugs to all and have Wesley give you a hug from me.
We’ll meet up when you get home….until then I have your back in spirit.
Blessings to you and all who will be participating, those who remain behind can participate in the ,
Virtual march on Washingtonon Monday.
Think of Gandhi (sp) on Saturday!!!!!
I’ll be with you in spirit. You’ll endure and move forward and your children will be so proud. Stay safe and report back as soon as you can!
huge hugs
DJ, I think that all here feel as you do but some of us can’t find the words as you have. Be safe, your children are obviously proud of you, and so are we. Wish I could be there to meet you and the other tribbers.
Well I think you did a fucken awesome job of describing your feelings and also how most of us here are all feeling-whether we are actually able to go to D.C. or not.
I think once you get there and meet up with everyone you’ll feel more peaceful and not so alone. I know we feel like we’re not alone when we all meet up here at Bootrib but then we get out in the world and meet all kinds of people who think we’re the problem…so in D.C. you’ll be surrounded by people who are going to believe and think like you do and that’s very powerful.
By the way I absolutely love flying so just pretend your me-ha-on your plane rides and things will be lovely..that’s my rather lame idea I guess to get you through the plane rides…take care.
I thought of this as I was addressing some concerns not just about our safety but the efficacy of the event on Saturday. Let’s remember this march is the beginning, not the culmination, of a mass movement. I’m proud to be marching with you folks, either in person or in spirit.
P.S. I call first round.
I can’t wait to meet you. Been out and about all day getting ready for our road trip tomorrow. Don’t worry, if the Media won’t cover us the Blogosphere will.
I want the wind to bring me Old Home Week from you all who are going to Washington.
Think of all that intensity in the winds coming toward Texas. That hurricane is terrible, but it is pushing people toward seeing and feeling, even as Katrina did, what they may have not felt before. And it’s pushing others to realize that they can push too, that they need not be passive, that they are not alone.
And Cindy pushed first, and you are pushing, all all of those friends who are going push too. I started naming, and stopped and erased, there are too many and I will not leave out one. You are all pushing for a change, and we who are here who cannot go, we are pushing.
That strange city, Washington, has its own power. Just keep in mind that it is your power that built it, that carries it forward, that will push it in a better direction. Many years ago, my parents took our family to Washington right before the great Civil Rights march. There were tanks moving around, barriers going up, men in fatigues marching around with rifles and helmets. It was both frightening and exciting. I remember asking my mom if something important was going to happen here, because of all the obvious preparation. “Yes, it’s important,it’s our future,” she said.I was too young to be worried about all of the soldiers, but the excitment was visible and infectious even to a kid who really did not understand why every one was full of anticipation.
I’ve never been back to D.C. without thinking about that first visit, and the electricity is still there. It will keep you going, too, and make this trip memorable as a part of our shared history.
Years ago, when Americans would meet as strangers, coming together to a new place, they did “old home week”. It consisted of asking others,
“Who do you know that I know? Where have you been that I once was? What brings you here to this same place at the same time that I am here? Are we going in the same direction for a while? Can we make a connection that will make our lives easier, and better?” It was a way of saying “I miss being connected. Is there some person, some idea, some motivation, some feeling that will draw us together?”.
The scary thing about going,I think, is the fear of not connecting. I don’t think you are in much danger of that happening. As one of those who will stay behind, I won’t get to be a part of it, I have to be content with watching – most unsatisfactory – and trying to give some of that push to those of us who can be there.
Go, and make those bonds stronger. Come back and tell the rest of us, Janet, and make our bonds stronger, too. Do Old Home Week for us, tell us who you saw, what happened, how you felt and what you did. Help us believe we have a voice, we have influence, we have good reason to hope for something better.
We will watch, and wait up for you all, every one!
Damnit Janet!!!! Now you went and made me cry..in the GD office…jeez! Seriously though my dear friend(I can say that now that we have talked on the phone right?)I truly know what you are feeling right now because that is how I felt right before I went to Crawford. Believe me it is well worth the five hour panic attack on the plane. You will meet the most incredible people and get to know yourself better than you ever could have imagined. I found a whole nuther woman inside me that I didn’t even know existed. Stay strong, be peaceful and be safe.
Now I am going to tell all of you that are going what the leader of Veterans for Peace, Buddy told us all the first morning I was there. “There are people coming down here today that don’t like you much, think you are a traitor, a loonie leftie. They will call you all kinds of names, some you may have never heard before, they want to engage you, don’t respond, just smile and hold your sign. They want to engage you in violence. DO NOT engage, back up , move away. There is only one message here and that is For What Noble Cause George/Bring the troops home.”
he was powerful and we all did what he suggested. The counter protesters got arrested, our side did not. Go in peace with love in your heart. If they give you problems just smile at them and think to yourself, I wish you well. It works sweetie it really does.
I AM SO FUCKING PROUD OF ALL OF YOU.STAND PROUD….
love Leezy!!!!>
Hang in there. We’re SO looking forward to having you (and everyone else!) here in DC!!!
Looking forward to meeting you!
–the other Janet 🙂
.
United in a common goal, the march will be electrifying from excitement. Joining with friends in Washington, meet complete strangers with that same purpose: PEACE & PATRIOTISM.
Show the decency of voicing public opinion, where the fathers of our great nation walked and lived. Where members of Congress and Presidents resided, to advocate the will of the People.
We must now voice our dissent to the policy of war and division of this administration. If Governor Gray Davis of California can be thrown out through a recall vote, the people of the U.S. can certainly make use of the freedom of speech and demonstrate in the Nations Capitol.
LOVE to Cindy Sheehan and all of you – wish strength to all men and women of courage for participating. You are just a delegation of a stronger force and greater number of supporters at home, and on the blog following you every minute.
Wish you well. It’s time to convince fellow Americans who still have doubts.
▼ ▼ ▼ Read My Diary
You are a hero Janet! And you’re not just a mom, but a wonderful mom – we can tell, from all the great diaries and comments you give us about your family.
Remember, real courage is acting despite the fear. And you’re definitely not alone. I am so proud of you guys!
You are truly not alone. Bless you.
DJ- you will never be alone as long as I’m alive.
I love you so much and I’m so proud of you.
Janet, you are an American beauty. It is my honor to march beside you and all the thousands who are making this journey. See you Saturday morning for breakfast. I’ll be hungry and ready to roll :o)
To all my buddies here, hold down the fort while we’re gone. Personally I intend to take a part of each and every one of you along with me. When we march, we will be marching with the power of ALL of you.
Take a piece of my heart with you-and a piece of my anger.
Janet –
What an incredibly beautiful diary. I, too, felt tears well up as I read it. I’m sorry I won’t be in DC with you, but am so happy and proud that you and Steven and all the others are going to be there representing our hearts and minds.
You will now be part of our noble heritage of patriotic activists. I remember vividly, watching TV, waiting to catch a glimpse of my mother as she participated in the Civil Rights March on Washington. I was very young, but very proud of her. When it came time to march and protest Vietnam we went together on one of the early ones. She set the standard for me. I participated on the major March on Washington with my friends, many of whom were children of activists, while for others it was a totally new concept.
My experience was exhilarating and empowering. You’ll make a lot of friends – you may even be surprised at who a lot of the sympathizers are. You will see in the faces of many soldiers and some police, people who are actually glad you’re there representing their feelings too. Walk right past the others who don’t agree since you will not convince them otherwise. Just savor the day and all the wonderful people surrounding you. Remember, it’s your right to be there – it won’t end the war – but hopefully it’s a step in the process of getting there.