[From the diaries by susanhu. We are all walking with you, Janet!]
Normally I am able to express what I am feeling, but today it’s such a jumble of emotions and thoughts and concerns all whirlwinded together with an overwhelming sense of freedom.
This is the diary I was not going to write. I need to pack. I need to print things off and make a few calls and I need to fucking breathe… my thoughts go swinging from one thing to another. Like mental monkey bars.
I don’t want to sound like a bawling baby. I’ve faced demons that would make grown men shit razor blades. I’ve seen so much in my life. I’ve fought. I’ve hollered. I’ve called and written. I’ve been quoted and misquoted. I’ve been harrassed and I’ve been interviewed. But I have never run. I have never backed down.
But I have yet to experience such a flood of emotions. Why is this? It’s a march. It’s a flight to and fro and we’ll be okay. I’m not worried about physical safety. I guess I’m worried that this too won’t matter, won’t be covered or will be twisted by the Rove machine media. That this too will be stolen and hijacked – just as they stole our children’s future and rights, as they stole our men and women and made them pawns in a war for greed and profit. Just as they steal the tears of mothers who only want answers, just as they steal the flag from our hearts and call us traitors because we simply want the truth.
Yet I know that this is a turning point for our entire country. Even as Rita bears down on our fellow Americans, the truth is bearing down on the Red Regime. The truth, the outrage and the demand for accountability and answers.
I’m not a traitor.
My two friends have sig lines since this “election”..
“Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter”-MLK – from my dearest friend Mrs. Ski (momagainstthedraft)
“Activism is my rent for living on this planet.”- Alice Walker – my other friend Ken
Last night my heart skipped as I realized I will walk past security, probably giant olive green military type vehicles – the same kind I grew up as a kid watching go down the street or parked next to the base commissary… I will see faces of so many who hate us. Hate us for wanting to stop the shame?? Wanting our rights and our people and our lives to be protected?
Bush is the supreme failure. His whole administration is a sham and a shame. They, to me, are war criminals to the nth degree. They are the traitors to anything decent or positive that this country was once intended to be.
So call me pathetic and call me fucked in the head, but I want my kids growing up FREE and with justice and liberty in their hearts and in their lives. I want them to know they live in the greatest country ever because we took back our country and we GAVE BACK to the world. We should be the caregivers and providers of the poor and needy. We should be the heros for the underdogs. We should be the nurses for the sick and elderly. That is what America stands for. That is why I want her back. I’m sick and tired of being ashamed of this government. I’m sick and tired of fighting the very people who should be working for US!
So yeah, I’m going from mad to sad and from… damn a liberating feeling of wanting to belt out some Janis Joplin tunes to a sense of worry…. I’m like this because I don’t know what is to be. But during, I’m pretty cool. Like with the typhoons… I was a jumble before it struck but during I was able to get neighbors cared for and such… so don’t worry that I’m a loose cannon or namby pamby… I live by my emotions and my passion and right now they are overwhelming.
Tonight I fly out from Sacramento. I do not like to fly. At all. I do not like to be away from my children. At all. This is actually the hardest part for me. I worked for the airlines as a way to confront my fear… (see I don’t run from anything LOL) and yet I still do not like to fly. I worry about my son. Last night he voiced his concerns to his Dad while being tucked in. I could hear his hushed voice and it broke my heart. Wayne comforted him. The children have made me a march guide and a peace bracelet that will be tied to my wrist tonight and won’t come off till these bastards are ousted and face charges.
I hate this. I’m not a hero. I’m not an activist. I’m not anything. I’m just a mom, a woman, a human who can’t stand this anymore.
But… also… I know that this is just the beginning. This is just the first baby step into a path that I’m supposed to be on. This will be a healing journey. A way for me to confront monsters. When I return, I want to start working on campaigns.
I want to go to college so that I can improve my life so that I can work as a spokesperson for a cause or orgnaization. So that I can publish those stories about the monsters under our beds and in our closets while I fight and battle the monsters in our government.
This was supposed to be a post in the social. …. I looked up from my tears and saw I had purged more tears and I feel yet another pause in the typhoon of feelings.
This year so much has happened to my family. My son’s surgery where I learned who my real friends were. Where I learned that people only love you if you make them feel good, and they leave you if you try to change things for the better for everyone. I’ve lost “friends” and I’ve lost family members. But I can not sit by and do nothing. Every fight, every letter, every rant, evey wish and hope has led to this… this beginning.
I have looked up in these dark times and found that I’m surrounded by wonderful, caring people who have the same hopes and fears that I do. I am surrounded by love and bravery.
All my life I’ve fought monsters by myself.
This time, I’m not alone.