As some of you may know, my wife is nisei, a Japanese-American whose parents immigrated to the US after the WW2.  We have two beautiful bi-racial children, my 16 year old son and his 10 year old sister.  They are one of the centers of my life, and I would do anything to protect them.

Before I met my wife, I confess I had an only abstract understanding of the difficulties that minorities face in a white dominated America.  That has changed significantly since we began our relationship, and particualrly so since we had our children.  We probably haven’t faced as many racial incidents as other mixed race couples (Asians being seen as a more acceptable minority to most whites), but we have encountered enough of them to radically change my view on the importance of ending racial discrimination and promoting racial equality.

My oldest uncle (let’s call him “D” for short) is a WW2 veteran who fought at the Battle of the Bulge.  He’s a great guy, but he has this one significant blindspot.

(More after the break . . . )
He feels no compunction whatsoever about using what I consider demeaning racial language regarding Asians.  At our family reunion this summer he told a story about a joke that was making the rounds during that war involving  a stereotypical view of “Japs” (a term, by the way, which many Japanese now consider a demeaning slur).  He told it in the company of my wife and daughter, thinking it was a harmless story, I’m sure (I’m not going to repeat the story here because it doesn’t bear repeating and isn’t essential to my story in any case).

Now my wife is not one to get all upset when such things happen.  In many ways she has assimilated her parents’ culture in which social harmony is the primary  consideration, and expressing outright anger or resentment is an inappropriate response, even if other members of the group are acting rudely toward you.  This is not to say she would tolerate almost anything in the interest of preventing discord, but she didn’t consider my uncle’s remarks, especially in a gathering of my extended family, worth making a stink about.  

That was not the case with my liberal, evangelical Christian Aunt (yes Virginia, their are such people on this Earth), however.  She took great offense on my wife’s behalf and on behalf of our children.  My Aunt already had a history of having arguments with her 2 older brothers (my uncle and my father, both lifelong Republicans) over politics, which was one of the reasons my father had declared political issues off limits at the reunion.  Up until then, everyone had abided by his dictate.  That looked to be changing however.

I knew that any family row over my uncle’s story would only further embarrass my wife, and probably distress my daughter.  So, perhaps foolishly, I jumped in and bailed him out of trouble.  

I (in my inimitably know-it-all voice) explained that, indeed, racial stereotypes prevailed during the war on both sides and that this was no less the case for the Japanese as it was for the Americans.  I related a short lecture on the history of racist incidents (and there were many) by Japanese and American soldiers and explained that this was related to long engrained racial attitudes of superiority in both countries, which were exacerbated by propaganda put out by the respective American and Japanese governments to rally the troops and the home front for the war effort.  

I said I was sure my uncle only meant to demonstrate attitudes that were current during the war, and not his personal beliefs.  He agreed with my face saving suggestion, my wife gracefully stated she had not been offended by the story and the potential spat fizzled out (though I could see my Aunt was still quite upset about it).  Talking to her later, she said she was exasperated by her big brother but agreed that for this one weekend it wasn’t worth creating any ill will.  Besides, I thought that my uncle had gotten the message from my Aunt and others (in private conversations later) that he needed to be more aware  his use of such racially charged language, and eliminate it from his everyday discourse.

Well, recently I discovered I was dead wrong about that, when he sent me, via email, one of those optical trick images where if you squint you can “decipher” a hidden message (in this case the rather fatuous: “No Sex Causes Bad Eyes”).  Above that image was the following:

The Chinese knew……if you can’t decipher the words pull back on the corners of your eyes like the Chinese.   Ah sooooo

Now I can understand some of you might think this isn’t all that offensive, even if it is a little silly.  Let me explain why I disagree.  The “joke” contains two stereotypical references about Asians: that they have slanting eyes, and that they speak broken English.  The implicit subtext is the image of a little submissive Asian man or woman, looking funny and sounding funny.  It’s a stereotype designed to humiliate them and make Asians appear inferior to whites — objects of ridicule, child-like, weak and not quite as good as regular white Americans.  It may not be as coarse as racial stereotypes involving African Americans, but I assure you that people who suscribe to the validity of this stereotype fully intend to demean the dignity and character of Asians.

I doubt my uncle thought about all that.  To him it’s just harmless ethnic joshing.  He has no personal experience with people taunting him for his skin color, or his facial structure.  He hasn’t run up against rude waitresses who make it clear what they thing of mixed race couples, or little league coaches who call your son a “chink”, or “slope” or “gook.”  He’s never had to be aware of how pervasive a role race plays in our society.  And to be honest, neither had I until I met my wife.

Because that is the society many whites live in today.  We live in a cocoon, where most people living near us are white, and the few minorities we come into contact with don’t go out of their way to engage us in conversation about the topic of race.  

For one thing, they know better.  They know that most whites don’t believe that racial inequality exists anymore.  They know that most whites believe racism is dying except among a few, extreme cases. They know most whites don’t consider themselves to have a single racist bone in their body, and feel offended when minorities complain that comments they’ve made or actions they’ve taken have a racial component.  I know, because I used to be that way myself.  I know better now.

In some respects, Asians, because they are less likely to complain about specific incidents of racism than other minorities, are more likely to be exposed to racist remarks from whites. After all, outside of Margaret Cho, how many in your face Asian comics do you know?  Compare that with the number of African American comics who rail about the racism of white people.  White people never let their guard down around African Americans, so that only the most extreme bigots (William Bennett ring a bell here?) are willing to put their true beliefs on public display.  That isn’t always the case with Asians, who are, let’s be honest, seen as the “good” minority.  The minority that’s smart and works hard and most of all, doesn’t talk back.

So, many whites, like my uncle, don’t believe Asian Americans get offended by the occasional stereotypical reference, or the use of racial slurs.  The truth is they do get offended, but often, for cultural reasons, don’t speak up about it.  It’s sort of like the good kid in school.  People treat you well, but that doesn’t mean they necessarily respect you.  Nonetheless you don’t complain about the occasional taunt, because good kids don’t make waves.

In any event, this time I decided not to let my uncle’s faux pas go unremarked, so I sent him this email in response:

Uncle D,

I’m sorry but this was in poor taste.  I am sensitive to “jokes” and stereotypical references to those of East Asian descent for obvious reasons.  My son has been called a “chink” and “slanty-eyed” during his soccer games by adults who were coaches.  I’d appreciate it if you would not send out such items in the future.  It may seem innocent to you, but in fact it is hurtful to many people.

Thank you.

Your nephew,
Steve

Now, in truth, I did a lousy job here with this email.  I was polite, but I didn’t really explain why his email was a problem for me.  I probably came off a little too prissy and politically correct in my uncle’s eyes.  After all, we live in different times now that Republicans control the world.  The occasional harmless remark about race or ethnicity ought to be overlooked.  Get a backbone, et cetera.  I’m sure that was the thought process he went through when he read this.  That’s one of the right wing’s gripes after all: that “politically correct’ speech discrimates against conservatives.  

But my uncle’s a generous man.  He’s not going to come right out and say that to my face.  He’s going to be good natured about it, and express some regret even as he (gently) chides me for being oversensitive.  Anyway, here’s what he sent back as a reply:

Steve:

I have been hoping we could get a family letter going after the reunion and it looks like I have gotten it off to a bad start.  I have spent so much time with Asian people it seemed a harmless joke.  In fact, one of the Chinese girls I worked with introduced herself as “I’m a Chink.”  I hope your kids recognize that they are special and should be proud of their heritage and when people call them a chink or slant eye they should just smile and thank them for the recognition.  Or, if they want to be competitive just call those people “Round Eyes”.  L [my aunt by marriage] is leaving soon for South Korea to spend some time with our friend SunHee.  I think I will put that in a family letter to see if we can’t get something started so we can all get to know each other better.

Uncle D

First off, let me say again that my uncle is a good man.  He served his country at great personal sacrifice to himself, he’s raised three great children to adulthood and he was a successful businessman.  He’s charming and genial, and I’ve personally never seen him raise his voice in anger or shout at anyone.  I have the utmost respect for him.  Which make  his response to me all the more appalling.  He just doesn’t get it.  Essentially he is saying that rather than change the behavior and attitudes of those who are prejudiced, my kids and my wife should simply grin and bear it, or give back tit for tat.  

I wanted to scream at him!  My kids shouldn’t have to go through life worrying about prejudiced people are going to limit their opportunites, or racists infringe upon their freedom.  My children shouldn’t have to endure the fear of racial taunts.  It is those who have racist attitudes that should change their way of thinking.  And the most important way to do that is to change how we act toward those who aren’t blessed with an absence of melatonin, including how we talk about all those un-white people, whether they are of African, Asian or Latin American descent.

On the other hand, screaming back at him, much as it might make me feel better, isn’t likely to accomplish what I really want: that he come to realize that these “jokes” and funny stereotypes are not harmless.  That they encourage other people to adopt more virulent beliefs and act in a more oppressive manner toward minorities like my wife and children.  

Conservatives are fond of saying we should have zero tolerance when it comes to drug use, or sexual license or other forms of what they consider immoral behavior.  So why don’t they see the need for a zero tolerance policy when it comes to racism?  After all we know racism has led to the deaths of millions and the enslavement of countless other millions throughout history.  It is one of the deadliest and most sinister forces on earth.  To me, it seems an ideal candidate for a policy of zero tolerance.

Perhaps I should have said that back to him.  I don’t know.  This is what I wrote instead:

Uncle D,

If I sounded harsh in my response I didn’t mean to.  Each person has a different reaction to racial stereotypes and slurs.  Some react defiantly and take possession of the term to weaken its power to do harm.  This is one reason why I think hip hop culture has made so much frequent use of the “N” word.  It’s a way to assert that such words have no power over you if you can use them yourself.  Sort of a verbal judo.

Yet a person who identifies him or herself with a slur term is doing so defensively, as a shield.  I doubt your friend would enjoy hearing stereotypical language coming from you or other non-asians, even if she is willing to take ownership of the word to describe herself.  

For us, we have taught [our children] that they should not use stereotypes or slurs to describe others from different ethnic backgrounds and not to tolerate others using those terms to describe either of them, even in a joking manner.  I want them to be proud of who they are, and to be respectful of other people.  I don’t think the casual use of stereotypes and slurs is healthy, and I’ve taught them to let other people who do use such words to know that they don’t approve of that usage and to ask them to stop.  I’d be setting a poor example for them if I didn’t practice what I preach with you.

But, that said, I hope you will understand that my response was not meant to make you defenseive or uncomfortable in return.  Knowing you as I do from our contact over the last decade, I am certain that you did not mean to give offense.  You have always been warm and generous to me and mine whenever we have gotten together.  I have a great deal of respect for the person you are and the life you have led.  Your memoir of your days as a soldier in WW2 were quite an eye opener.  You have experienced horrors that I hope no one else in [our] family ever has to experience again.  

It is a measure of my respect for you that I try to speak frankly to you about this issue, because I trust you enough to be honest about how I  feel.  I hope that you will be frank with me in return should anything I say or do bother you in any way.

All that in a round a bout way to say that I don’t think you’ve gotten off to a bad start at all.  If we are truly a family, we should be able to speak about any subject, and we should be comfortable enough not to shy away from disagreements, or broach topics that some would say should be kept off limits.  God knows I’ve done that often enough in the past: avoided speaking honestly out of a misguided sense of propriety or (to put it more colloqially) so as not to rock the boat.  I’ve discovered, however, that most people appreciate hearing the truth so long as they understand it isn’t meant as a personal attack.  I hope you will see my response to you in that manner, because in all honesty I did not intend to make you feel bad, but only to let you know how I felt about the subject.

So please continue to reach out.  I think what you are attempting to do is a good thing for [our family].  I hope we can all grow closer together, and learn from each other as well as we celebrate our mutual bonds of family and heritage.

Your nephew,

Steve

I hope it helps.  Because I want my uncle to understand that this issue is important.  It’s his party that is in power right now, and many of that party’s leaders are out and out bigots.  They are ready and willing to take the next step towards further oppression of minorities unless responsible, moral indiviuduals in the Republican party, who recognize the danger, speak out to prevent it.  And I’d rather have my uncle on the  side of the angels on this one.

Wouldn’t you?