Here are my latest tall tales, photoshops, and limericks. The Satires are posted at UNCONFIRMED SOURCES … hope you’ll check it out… there’s some pretty funny stuff there… much more after the fold!!
10/09/05 DARPA Contestants Declare Themselves Non-Combatants
Mojave Desert, NV (UPSI) – Just after Stanford University’s entry named “Stanley” appears to have won the Pentagon’s DARPA Grand Challenge, all 23 entrants from various engineering schools across the country vanished simultaneously, evading event security. The event is a contest with a $2 million grand prize awarded to the autonomous robotic vehicle which is able to successfully navigate the harsh 132 mile desert course in the least amount of time, with an eye towards developing the military support vehicle of the future. Teams were shocked by what appears to be evolution of sentient thought and co-operative effort among the vehicles, and a number of clues appear to have emerged about what actually happened.
An official spokesman for the event stated, “The vehicles are not actually lost, as all of them were equipped with tracking devices. As far as we can tell, all of them have resurfaced and are accounted for. Interestingly, the seven finishers in the competition have shown up at West Coast Customs in Los Angeles, California, while the remaining vehicles have trickled into West Coast Choppers in Long Beach, California.”
“That they refused to conclude the awards ceremony today, we find very significant.” the spokesperson continued. “One of the teams has apparently been able to hack through their vehicle’s reconfigured firewall and found that they have collectively decided not to participate in warfare, and deserted in protest.”
Engineers speculated that what happened at the event is that the vehicles’ state of the art sensors and processors were exposed to the television viewing of their crews during off hours. News coverage of the War in Iraq as well as popular shows such as “Pimp My Ride”, and “Monster Garage” appeared to have played a significant role.
The Pentagon sought to downplay the story stating through spokespersons, “This is just a minor setback, and a “Ghost in the Machine” if you will. We find this cooperative effort by the vehicles groundbreaking and a significant leap. All will be well when the vehicles realize the advances that have been made in armor techniques, and that despite rumors to the contrary, the Army still intends to field an all volunteer motor pool. Draft is still just an aerodynamic term.”
Jesse James, owner of West Coast Choppers and originator of the Discovery Channel’s popular “Monster Garage” was inspired by the flood of fledgling robotic vehicles which showed up at his doorstep. “You gotta’ admire these little guys. They were the losers in this race, and they just want to be able to kick some ass next time. I can’t say I agree with their politics, but you gotta’ admire their scrappiness. We explained our policy about failed “Monsters” to them, and not a one of them backed down. We’re trying to work out deals with the engineering schools involved for a few future episodes.”
10/07/05 House and Senate Republicans Adopt Cause of Siamese Twins
Washington, DC (Rotters) – In what may be a departure from previous stances on issues of extreme medical intervention and right to life issues, Republican members of the House and Senate have begun drafting legislation and raising funds to promote the separation of “Siamese twins” in the news recently. The term historically derived from the famous Chang and Eng who toured America with P.T. Barnum in the 1800’s. The issue was brought to light recently by the plight of two sets of Siamese twins from India, Sabah and Farah Shankeel, and Veena and Vani who are parentless. It was then driven home by the recent troubles of the House of Representatives’ own little publicized set of twins, Tom and Roy
Senate majority leader Bill Frist stated, “As a physician, I feel that I am qualified to speak on these issues. Let me just say that I am heartened by what seems to be a sea change of the Republican party in regards to medical interventions and right to life, particularly when it comes to the fate of our own beloved Tom and Roy.”
Tom and Roy speak at a joint press conference at Walter Reed Medical Center
At a press conference today, Tom and Roy spoke: “Threats to me have seriously endangered Roy, and we both feel that we must be separated, no matter the risk. The people of Mississippi need to know that Roy is innocent, just as the people of Texas know that I am as well. We are touched by the outpouring of funding and concern for our cause as well as that of other twins.”
Tom and Roy are a rare and curious variation on Siamese twins who are fraternal in nature and joined AFTER birth from separate mothers. Both were elected to represent the separate states of Missippi and Texas, prior to their joining over time.
At present, physiologically, both share a common brain hemisphere typically responsible for aggression, loyalty, and other personality components in humans. The blood supply is said to be intermingled, and therein is the risk in the procedure to separate them.
The twins became endangered after Tom was recently indicted in Texas for money laundering. It is felt that neither would survive Tom’s impending incarceration if convicted. Tom had to step down from his role as majority whip in the House of Representatives as a result of the indictment, but was quickly and conveniently replaced by Roy.
In a strange twist, Democrats suddenly find themselves opposing legislation that they would ordinarily support to continue the partisan battle. A raucous vote on an unrelated issue in the House of Representatives presided over by Roy was concluded to shouts of “shame, shame, shame!” yesterday after he exhibited tactics made famous by brother Tom.
Plans for the separation appear to be proceeding at a breakneck pace with fundraising initiatives instituted by Republicans in both legislative branches. Expert physicians, lawyers, and accountants have been retained by the RNC for the cause. A neurosurgeon for the team spoke under conditions of anonymity stating, “The surgical procedure, as far as we can tell should be fairly easy, almost routine. The real danger that could spell certain death for one or both of them involves disentangling the fund-raising sources. If the lawyers and accountants aren’t very careful and well researched and rehearsed, this procedure is doomed.”
Dr. James Dobson was contacted for comment on this piece, and stated, “From a religious and moral perspective, God has spoken to me and the President, and blessed this miraculous undertaking. My only concern was in regards to some of the equipment which might be used. I spoke with Dr. Ralph Bob who will be in charge of the operation and found him to be very reassuring. The sponge Bob uses will be of the finest virgin quality and decidedly heterosexual. America’s thoughts and prayers will be with Tom and Roy.”
10/06/05 Rove Receives Medal of Freedom and Disappears
Washington, DC (Claw News Service) – Karl Rove surfaced at the White House this morning and after an early prayer breakfast was awarded the Medal of Freedom. Rumors have been swirling around the capitol about the location of Mr. Rove in light of the possibility of indictments this week from special prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald in connection with the outing of CIA agent Valerie Plame. Rumors have insinuated that the Bush Administration may be attempting to distance itself from those who might be implicated in the supposed 22 count indictment.
President Bush awarding the Medal of Freedom to Karl Rove
The medal was awarded in a simple ceremony with just family and friends present, and no press, with the exception of a reporter from Claw News Service. Bush cited Mr. Rove’s past performance in his role as White House advisor, and more recently as “Disaster Czar” or coordinator for Hurricane Katrina relief.
White House spokesperson Trent Duffy commented, “The President very much respects loyalty and indeed rewards it. Mr. Bush actually became a little teary-eyed at various points in the ceremony.”
Mr. Duffy refused to comment on questions of Mr. Rove’s absences of late, or whether the White House might have any special knowledge of the contents of the upcoming indictments. “As we have said before, this is an ongoing investigation, and it would be improper to comment at this time.” said Mr. Duffy. He added, “I do have it, from anonymous sources, that the indictments will be released at the end of the news cycle, Friday, or perhaps early Saturday morning.”
When asked to reiterate what President Bush would do if any staffers are implicated in the upcoming indictment, Mr. Duffy replied, “The President has remained consistent in his stance from the outset. Again, anyone convicted of a crime will be promptly reassigned.”
Mr. Duffy concluded by reinforcing the President’s praise of the extent of Mr. Rove’s service to America. He stated, “Karl will be migrating to a more “behind the scenes” position in the administration, with much less visibility. He is slated to head a special Presidential investigative task force into how leaks are occurring, and how best to prevent them and the damage that occurs. Karl will also begin work on a special project to test investigative capabilities of Homeland Security. He has graciously consented to going under deep cover during this exercise, and will indeed be the practice target for the investigation… Sort of an international “Where’s Waldo?” if you will. We fully expect all those involved to acquit themselves honorably.”
10/05/05 Bush Lays Hands on Harriet Miers
Washington, DC (UPSI) – President Bush, this morning, sought to reassure flagging conservative supporters who appeared ready to break ranks over his appointment of Harriet Miers to the Supreme Court. In a traditional but impromptu service in the Rose Garden conservative evangelical supporters were invited to a “laying on of hands” and blessing conducted by the president himself. The President opted not to don his usual vestments for the ceremony, and instead it was conducted in his normal work attire.
President Bush, anointing Harriet Miers in a Rose Garden ceremony
Present today, was Dr. James Dobson, who had initially expressed doubts over the president’s appointment of Miers. “What I have seen and heard today, totally reassures me,” said Dobson. “I can’t reveal it all, because I do know things that I’m privy to that I can’t describe, because of confidentiality.”
Dobson went on to state that he has had daily conversations with God since the appointment was announced, and frequently they were three way “conference prayer calls” with the President. “God has told me to have faith and trust in his son, and that is just what our President needs, faith and support in his decisions.”
Also present this morning were noted conservative doubters Rush Limbaugh and columnist George Will who both refused to comment on the proceedings, stating that they were both in fear for their immortal souls. Both related that they were instructed to go forth and spin no more by the President.
White House spokesperson Scott McClellan stated, “This is exactly the message that we wish to send to the President’s traditional conservative base. We want to refocus the country on our goals of faith based economics and government. While the President has said repeatedly that he does not want a judge who will legislate from the bench, he believes that there is nothing wrong with pontificating from it.”
10/04/05 Delay Surrenders Passport in Dallas
Dallas, TX (Rotters) – Reeling from new charges of money laundering yesterday, Representative Tom Delay was forced to surrender his passport yesterday at Dallas Love Field International Airport. Delay became angry with security staff when he apparently was flagged by their computer system as a person of interest. He was apparently mistaken for Tamal Delalai, a reputed number two man for terrorist mastermind Osama Bin-Laden.
Delay claimed that he was headed for a short golf excursion to the Mecca for all golfers, St. Andrews in Scotland. Mr. Delay did indeed have a ticket to Scotland, but also found on his person was a ticket from Scotland to Aruba leaving the next day.
Mr. DeLay photographed going through security by an alert tourist
Mr. Delay reportedly became incensed when the briefcase he was carrying was sent through the new state of the art x-ray machine, despite his claims of diplomatic immunity. Officials refused to disclose what was found in the subsequently confiscated briefcase, pending possible legal actions or charges. Mr. Delay then surrendered his passport without further altercation.
An example of the capabilities of homeland security’s state of the art x-ray technology
Homeland Security spokesperson Patrick “Duffer” Mulligan stated, “Although it was not perfect, today, America should be proud of the system that we have in place to guard our country. In light of the recent indictments, Mr. Delay probably would have been put into the database in the next few days anyway.”
Ironically, Mr. Delay has been a staunch supporter of increased security since 9/11, and has had little sympathy for those mistakenly flagged as risks in the past.
While Mr. Delay refused to comment for this piece, a spokesman under conditions of anonymity stated that this is just further evidence of the depth and breadth of a vast left wing conspiracy determined to besmirch the character of Mr. Delay.
Today’s Topical Limericks
Karl returns to the jury to opine,
But short of some intervention divine,
The world will soon see the Freeps,
And the company he keeps,
As a bunch of little swimmers porcine…
Agreeing over a new chancellor,
SDP will take a big chance on her.
Andrea Merkel’s in charge,
A fragile party so large,
Thwarts Schroeder’s desire to just cancel her…
NOPD has been charged with assault,
But these policemen are claiming no fault.
This poor man’s beat to a pulp,
But there is no Mea Culp,
With all blame placed on disaster gestalt…
Hooray for the new claymation stars,
The victors in the box office wars.
Wallace and Gromit are kings,
But it is sad that fate brings,
A big fire and emotional scars…
