After extremely competitive showcases culminating in a showdown thumbs-up, thumbs-down, thumbs-off vote, nine new members joined the United States’ “Up With Torture” (US-UWT) cheerleader squad this week
Out of many possible candidates, it was these nine who succeeded in convincing group advisor President George W. Bush that they had the necessary fortitude:
* Wayne Allard – Colorado
* Kit Bond – Missouri
* Tom Coburn – Oklahoma
* Thad Cochran – Mississippi
* John Cornyn – Texas
* James Inhofe – Oklahoma
* Pat Roberts – Kansas
* Jeff Sessions – Alabama
* Ted Stevens – Alaska
Bush was pleased that nine patriots stood with him and chided those who didn’t: “Someone has to stand up for the ties that bind, cut off circulation and lead to gangrene. Those who oppose me just want to hinder me in my crusade, check that, global battle against extremism, check that, war on terror.”
Bush added: “the infliction of severe physical or extreme mental distress has its merits. It got me, heh-heh, re-elected.”
“Here, here” bellowed Ann Coulter of the “Render Them All” activist group that has been pushing for treason charges to be brought against both Al Gore and John Kerry and those who voted for the pair, for opposing Bush. Coulter added: “That is the ultimate act, giving aid and comfort to the enemy. We can’t have such people here. It’s too dangerous”
Attending devotees of the late Joseph Stalin, Pol Pot and Mao Zedong protested that their respective Pantheon of Torturers were being shortshrifted and that this band of newcomers were merely torturer wannabees.
“Where are their mass graves,” demanded one acolyte.
“Show us the severed ears,” shouted another when the decision was announced.
Security dragged both from the building to destinations unknown.
The proposal of Turkmenistan’s President-For-Life Saparmurat Niyazov for an annual Torture Olympics, featuring Toss-The-Pagan-About, Who-Can-Draw-And-Quarter-The-Nun-The-Quickest and A-Bullet-For-Gandhi recreational events, was unanimously agreed upon.
Bush and his ‘Abnormal 9’ now join the nations of Syria, Egypt, Jordan, Morocco, Saudi Arabia, Pakistan, China, Azerbaijan, Chad, Uzbekistan, Russia, Burma, Turkmenistan, Sudan, Turkey, Uganda, North Korea, Indonesia, Iran and Iraq as card-carrying members of You Say Torture, I Say Intimate Body Massage (YSTISIBM)