This diary is a work of fiction. People, places, bloggers, events and situations are the product of the diarist’s imagination. Any resemblance to actual events is just goofy, and purely coincidental.
Booman City – George W. Bush, the 43 President of the United States, was convicted of war crimes yesterday by a unanimous verdict of 25 Booman jurors. The conviction followed a day of whirlwind courtroom activity, and several twists of questionable legal validity, according to experts.
Prosecuting Attorney Ductape Fatwa, only recently returned from battling fascism in Indiana, began the proceedings with a bombshell, alleging that President Bush “lacked the intellectual capacity of a cement goat, of the style commonly used as garden decor in certain unfortunate neighborhoods.”
Fatwa supported the allegations with a barrage of credible evidence: Bush’s own goat-like actions exhibited at trial, as well as in the five years he has spent ruining America, were all received in evidence, supported by corroborating testimony from the earpiece Bush used in the 2004 Presidential debates.
Special Prosecutor Damnit Janet highlighted the prosecution case with disturbing photos of Bert from Sesame Street and the accused (appearing as a two-headed goat), taken just prior to an alleged incident where Bert pummeled the President in a dispute over PBS funding.
Though Bush was afforded the best defense team his unfortunate standing in the polls could buy (the renowned Booman City firm of Spiderleaf, Blueneck & Raging Hippie), the evidence against him from the start of the trial was insurmountable.
“Oh yeah, like I’m going to be able cast doubt that he is more intelligent than a cement goat,” lead counsel Spiderleaf said in his opening remarks. “How about a plea bargain?”
The defense team seemed as confused as the now-convicted President at times, starting with a shocking admission of Bush’s lacking mental capacity. “[T]here is no George W. Bush,” Raging Hippie said to a packed Internet courtroom. “The entity that has been represented to the public to be George W. Bush is nothing more than a puppet. Or a badly designed hologram. There is nothing whatsoever between those Alfred E. Newman ears and, ergo, nothing that can be held criminally responsible.”
The prosecutor dismissed the asserted defense as a case of mistaken identity. “Your Honor, my esteemed and raging colleague appears to be confusing the defendant Bush with the popular 80s era animated figure known affectionately in certain circles as Ronald Reagan,” Fatwa said.
The jury voted early and often for conviction. “Good lets vote,” cried a juror, identified only as Salunga, early in the proceedings. “Guilty!”
Bush was sentenced by community consensus to a custodial care facility, where he will be granted conditional release on weekends to serve as the main attraction at a children’s petting zoo.
“Ductape Fatwa has had it in for compassionate conservatives since the beginning of time,” said a top White House official who wished to remain anonymous. “He or she won’t even reveal his or her real identity. How credible is information coming from that source?”
Dick Cheney could not be reached for comment on this case. Nor could anyone find him for the swearing in ceremony, where he is supposed to take over as the country’s 44th President. Officials do not know the vice-president’s whereabouts. No one knows the vice-president’s whereabouts.
And so it goes.
Click here for a full, if rather incomprehensible, transcript of yesterday’s proceedings.