The latest installment of “Tales from the Oiligarchy”… In this issue Bush Dismisses Criticism over Soldiers’ “Teleconference”, and Capitol Hill Pranksters Draw Ire of the President… cross posted at UNCONFIRMED SOURCES plus “Today’s Topical Limericks… Illustrated!
after the fold…
10/14/05 Bush Dismisses Criticism over Soldiers’ “Teleconference”
Washington, DC (Rotters) – The Bush Administration angrily dismissed any sense of impropriety over the scripting of yesterday’s “Soldiers in Iraq Teleconference”. Said a petulant Mr. Bush, “I thoroughly resent any aspersions which some people may wish to cast over these brave fighting men. Sure, there was a selection process involved in who was chosen as a part of the conference, but this is just to put our best face forward to the enemy, because we are at war. It’s very offensive to me that anyone would try to imply that these brave men and women were some kind of hand picked sock puppets performing off of a propaganda script.”
Bush Addressing members of Task Force Justice
White House spokesperson Scott McClellan stated, “There are a lot of facts that needed to be kept straight for the American People, and it was therefore worthwhile to rehearse beforehand, and outside of that, nothing was “scripted” as some people want to claim.”
Captain Sid “Fozzy” Prattle, one of the men interviewed yesterday stated, “Sure there was a rehearsal, but we always do a run through before any successful mission. I fully support our Commander in Chief, because… well… he’s the Commander in Chief and those are our orders. I am a loyal soldier, and I can tell you that this mouth doesn’t even open without the guiding hand of the President.”
Captain Bunsen Canaday stated, “I thought the President was pretty tough on us, he threw us some real hardballs there. If we hadn’t had a little heads up, we would have looked pretty stupid sitting there like dummies or something.”
Staff Sergeant Cort “Gonzo” Lombardi added, “I thought the presentation was right on target. We pulled no punches and there were no strings attached. It’s not exactly Sesame Street over here, and it’s dangerous.”
Members of Task Force Justice
Also interviewed yesterday was an Iraqi liaison soldier, a Sergeant “Animal” Ikill whose last name was not divulged for security purposes. Sergeant Ikill said, “I him like much. Iraq comes again and we are proud. I vote tomorrow, and I vote George Bush. Even Saddam votes tomorrow, and we are normal. I very much proud.”
On a lighter note Captain Donald “Kermit” Smythe revealed that despite the Army’s attempt at dissuading them, he would soon be marrying Captain Clarissa “Missy” Piggleford also interviewed yesterday. They will have a brief battlefield ceremony which will be attended by family members via satellite stateside, followed by a brief honeymoon to an undisclosed location. The President called to wish the couple well today, and joked that he was looking forward to seeing many new little soldiers to help fight the war against terror. The couple has registered at Target.
10/12/05 Capitol Hill Pranksters Draw Ire of the President
Washington, DC (APE) – A simple , yet sophisticated prank loomed in the night sky over the Capitol Dome last night in Washington, DC, which elicited the wrath of the Bush Administration the following morning. Apparently pranksters were able to gain access to the dome itself and succeeded in modifying the Statue of Freedom which has been in place since 1863 and recently restored. Preliminary reports indicate that some real damage to Freedom may have occurred. At the time this goes to press, no one is claiming responsibility.
White House Spokesperson Scott McClellan stated, “I have never seen the President become so angry. We are still cleaning up pieces of furniture in the Oval Office briefing room.”
Mr. McClellan added that a full investigation into the incident involving all branches of Homeland Security has been instituted. Special Prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald will likely be reassigned today to head up the investigation.
Mr. McClellan continued, “Preliminary investigations by Capitol Police indicate that this was very likely an inside job. This is what President Bush has become so angered over. He has lost patience with the body of the senate’s failure to recognize that we are at war, and that it’s a war of ideas for the very heart and soul of our country. The President has promised to veto Senator McCain’s anti-torture amendment and he will do so. The President has also promised to devote all matter of resources to get to the bottom of this terrorist act.”
Early this morning FBI mobile units were noted to be discretely in and around the building, and rumor had it that all senators, representatives, staffers, and employees would be subjected to a battery.
An anonymous FBI spokesperson corrected that the battery mentioned referred to a lie detector test, a brief interrogation, and nothing more.
Today’s Topical Limericks
With his polls at a pathetic percent,
Having exhausted all fears to foment,
Republicans in tatters,
Bush just less and less matters
He is more of a lame monk president…
John Bolton is now threatening withdrawal,
If the US just can’t have it all.
He just stood there and fumed,
Said the UN was doomed,
He’s a real “Fortress Mustache” screwball…
Alas, sometimes the truth can be ducked,
And the best legal systems are bucked.
But one can always surmise,
By just the look in one’s eyes,
And these say. “Oh my God, I’m so fucked…”
Americans, as a whole, are now rude.
They’re taught never to display gratitude.
We’re not teaching good manners,
Hiding out in McManors,
Deathly afraid that we’re going to be sued…
“The Letter”, it now seems, may be fake.
It depends on whose side you may take.
Al-Zawahari to Iraq,
Or operation so black?
Karl Rove’s planted many a snake…
