The Mighty General Zod
2008 PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE
Vote for your ruler
When I first came to your planet and demanded your homes, property and very lives, I didn’t know you were already doing so, willingly, with your own government. I can win no tribute from a bankrupted nation populated by feeble flag-waving plebians. In 2008 I shall restore your dignity and make you servants worthy of my rule. This new government shall become a tool of my oppression. Instead of hidden agendas and waffling policies, I offer you direct candor and brutal certainty. I only ask for your tribute, your lives, and your vote.
— General Zod
Your Future President and Eternal Ruler
Swear eternal allegiance. You cannot bargain at the ballot box.
ZODS Campaign Platform
I do not take orders. I give them.
Congress shall no longer have the ability to impeach me or override my decisions, and the Supreme Court shall not meddle in government affairs.
Your freedom will be expanded.
You will be even more free to give your money and lives to me, and to be my eternal subjects.
Eliminate the Iraq War.
The Iraq War has shifted $187 billion to the defense industry. How is this “defense industry” to kneel before me? Are my praises to be sung as footnotes in their paperwork? You will stop giving these corporations your wealth. I suggest you put the money into your own schools and health care, so that I may have intelligent, healthy servants. I will indulge your wishes if you all want a Westernized, unpopular regime in Iraq, and I too shall gloat in its troubles, but it will not be done at my expense.
Universal health care.
Even a criminal like myself is shocked that millions are not able to get health insurance and cannot pay for basic surgery. Who are these power brokers that allow the pigpen to become wormy and filthy? I demand your very lives, but I am not such an imbecile as to institutionalize suffering and poverty. You have my assurance that this shall change swiftly.
Corporate reform.
You people have become disgusting minions to these things you call “corporations”. These things take your money and your land, put you into debt, send your jobs overseas, provide you with unsafe foods, and sue you when you say anything bad about them. Yet you people fatten them up at the ballot box. You give them free land, name your stadiums after them, allow them to telemarket you, and even sacrifice your own bankruptcy protections. Quite frankly it astonishes me. I will break this sickly codependency. It is I who shall be your ruler. I shall empower you with wealth to give me as tribute. A corporation cannot bow to me or give me tribute that comes from the heart.
You will buy U.S. made items.
Why do you buy Chinese-made items when you know that it sells out the jobs of your family and friends? How will you buy those cheap things when you have no job? You are sending my wealth and tribute to foreign lands. I will not tolerate this.
Ask The General
Have a question about domestic policy or foreign relations? Send it to generalzod@zod2008.com We regret that we cannot publish all letters received. General Zod cannot answer threats or propositions from fictional beings — he chooses to focus on issues and news.
Q. My lord– Please do not misconstrue my honest curiosity as any kind of doubt. I am curious, why are you willing to settle for an elected office of a single nation? Surely one of your might and intellect deserves to rule the entire planet… Cordially kneeling, Humble worshipper #8730T — Andy Leonard
A. Your mother country has potent military forces and markets all over the world. Are you not the logical choice? Make no mistake, if some petty chieftan somewhere offends me, I can still deal him a swift, merciless blow. Yet your country permits and encourages that, does it not? I believe I have chosen well.
Q. Having suffered far too long under the burden of the crooks and liars of the current misadministration, how will we be able to discern true cruelty and absolute tyranny from the mere incompetence coupled with incomprehensible arrogance that results in much the same suffering? If we pleaded with you in a manner that that was to your liking, is there anyway you could take the helm sooner? As you can see, we’re pretty goddamned desperate. I am an atheist by the way. — Lance Thruster
A. Make way to the ballot box in three years time! Surely I would assume the Presidency now, but your current administration is doing a remarkable job grinding you plebes into the dirt. This truly paves the way so that I may build you anew. It is in this suffering that you shall rise from the ashes to be my unyielding servants! You shall have only one master. There shall be no police; Zod shall deal with you directly. There shall be no 1040; your conscience will guide you to shed your possessions. There shall be no military; for I shall wipe out those who defy me. Your lives shall be mapped out, your security assured, and all your doubts erased. I am your beacon of hope, your eternal light. You will swear eternal allegiance.
Q. As a General, do you feel that your military experience will make you more a qualified candidate than your future (foolish and soon-to-be-crushed) opponents? Have you, for example, won any Purple Hearts? Speaking as a military man myself, I simply cannot wait for the day when I will be on the front lines to help obliterate any nation retarded enough to oppose you. — SPC Eric Spratling, US Army
A. I have a deep admiration for strong men like yourself, who live to take orders in the name of their country. You have a brilliant future ahead of you in 2008. Though I do not have any “purple heart”. I served with the military council of Krypton, where I devised a number of plans to overthrow the government and single-handedly rule the planet. I hope this assures you of my unquestionable honor, integrity, and service to country.
Q. Do you agree with George Will that Harriet Miers was a weak choice for nomination to the Supreme Court? Also do you support Supreme Court justices that will strictly interpret the Constitution or will you choose justices that have a more lenient view? — Justin
A. The Constitution is in writing — can you all not read? Surely there is nothing that requires meddling, wasteful interpretation. You humans will concentrate on your work and cease your struggles to become media darlings for the sake of some futile cause. From time to time I will override the Constitution, and that will be quite black-and-white. You shall trust your ruler.
Q. The Eighth Amendment of the United States Constitution bans “cruel and unusual punishment.” While I plan to offer to you my infant son in tribute to your rule of this planet, and will bow to your every whim, do you anticipate maintaining this basic protection? — Chris Murphy
A. Under my rule, you are never “punished”. You are simply disposed of in some efficient fashion. I do not waste time with things like discipline and behavior modification. If you choose to be a traitor, I will hasten the inevitable, bringing your own punishment upon yourself.
Q. Nicholas Cage’s wife, Kim, has given birth this day to a son, who they have named Kal-El Coppola Cage. This sort of insolence must not be tolerated. I caper in gleeful anticipation of seeing what punishment you inflict upon them, their offspring, and the surrounding countryside. — Murray Dodds
The future President and his staff react noticeably as Ed Randall, campaign worker, pronounces the the name of Nicolas Cage’s heathen child. (AP/Boston Globe)
A. What kind of traitor dares such foolishness? Will anyone accept responsibility and step before Zod? This is mockery and treachery of the highest order. I dare say that I promise swift and ruthless executions of those responsible.
Q. Here in the UK we have no one of your calibre to rule us effectively. The fact is our rulers are weak-minded fools with no real passion for oppressing our population (unless you’re Muslim). Hence there is an opportunity to spread your message and I have taken the liberty (I apologise, as I know you don’t like that word) of distributing leaflets and engaging in a spoken word lecture in my local town centre. Incredibly, I was removed by our security forces who literally laughed when I told them of your coming.. Do you have any representatives here I could work with or advice regarding spreading your message? By the way, what is your policy on Education..do educated slaves make better slaves? — Tim Lumb, UK
A. You now see the futility of dealing with fools. In numbers you shall make your voices heard. Perhaps you were unaware of the September 15 meeting of the Zod National Symposium in Manchester? Here are these minutes from that meeting:
A floral basket was laid before the portraits of Zod, Ursa, and Non. The General Secretary of the society opened the meeting, saying, “As we are single-heartedly rallied around our ruler Zod, we demonstrate our might as an invincible party. We are becoming a beacon of the peoples of all countries in the struggle to realize sovereignty from our corrupt partisan rulers. We shall give tribute!” A basket was passed around and $7,281.41 and considerable jewelry and trinkets were received, and the meeting was concluded.
I should add that in the 2 days that it took for me to receive this sum, which was mine from the moment it was collected, I charged the group $81.94 in interest. Let that be a warning to always forward your tribute as swiftly as possible.
Q. I have seen that another hopeful candidate for the 2008 elections is Christopher Walken. I have been a great supporter of his, but I have much respect for your authoritarian regime. I am unsure which of these two great evils I should vote for. Is there any chance for a political debate during campaign time between you and Mr. Walken? — Beth R.
A. Yes, but can Walken promise you cruel oppression and harsh totality? Why allow him to coddle you with platitudes, only to be disappointed years after the election? I promise you a future of darkness. And it’s only in darkness that you see light. I promise you ascent, and elevation, living the life of austerity as you relegate your possessions and lives. Warmed in that monastic aura you shall find enlightenment and happiness. To this I say: Give me your vote, and kneel before Zod!
Q. The Spin Doctors claim to have “A pocket full of kryptonite”. Do you view this as a direct threat to your leadership? Are you avoiding them out of fear? — Secord 20
A. Who are these Spin Doctors? Do they dare to challenge my rule? Shall I close all the hospitals to flush out these mutinous doctors?
Q. I grew up in an abusive environment, with lots of cruel and arbitrary punishment. I’ve been searching my whole life for a politician like you that will punish, dominate and degrade me, just like the adults from my childhood. I need an authority figure to further my sense of shame and dependency.
Will there be sexual repression as a result of your rule? We need a ruler that will force people to deny their own innate sex instinct, thereby becoming anal-retentive, orally fixated, and immersed in guilt. Wanton cruelty from an authority figure is a step in the right direction, but I believe that through sexual repression, we can dramatically increase the selfishness, anger, anxiety, depression, self-doubt and narcissistic viciousness between people. We need your strong leadership to further our own self-hatred.
If honest expressions of sexual love are allowed, it will be difficult to foster the hostility that already exists between people in Western, and other repressed societies. Will you promise to crush these natural human tendencies toward physical pleasure? As you know, when natural sexual energy is repressed, it tends to release itself in other ways, such as pathological sexual perversions, neurosis, and violence.
Through your leadership, we may finally create the hell-on-earth that we all deeply desire. We will internalize your power and discipline, and unleash it on our fellow unsuspecting citizens. Alas, it is but a dream.
Oh Zod, I prostrate myself before you as your obedient servant, with hope that you will be elected in 2008, and make me one of your many battered children. — Mike Todd
A. Truly, it has been years since I’ve heard such wisdom spilling from the lips of you impudent mortals. You all — listen to this man! His words are a beacon of salvation. Mistrust amongst fellow men shall focus your minds squarely on your work, giving you more possessions for yourselves and more tribute to give to your ruler. Hell-On-Earth shall be a mere stepping stone to a world of greatness and protection. Prostrate yourselves! All swear allegiance!
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