Good evenin’ ladies and gentleman. It is my pleasure to address you. (smirk)
When I was first elected back in 2000, I stressed that me and my team would act like the grown-ups that we were and restore honor and integrity where it had been lackin’ in The White House
Yep, we banned cigars, and blue dresses were strictly a no-no at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. Any grovelin’ in front of me would damn well take place with my zipper firmly in the ‘up’ position. Sadly, even Laura unfortunately follows protocol on that one. (frown) How I miss the old days,,, (tears up)
(Recovering) Anyway, I instructed my staff to exhibit legal and ethical conduct unless they wished to be smited, turned into a pillar of salt, you know, that sorta thing. While I did not define the actions to be and not to be undertaken, well, at least Judy Miller’s notes don’t indicate I did–she has some scribbling attributed to a “Tush” but, of course, that bears no possible relation to me…so, so, where was I?
Yes, no leaks (indignant). This administration does not leak. We even had an all-hands meetin’ where Vice President Cheney demonstrated proper procedure–all efforts at urination would take place while seated, feet facin’ the very closed door. No exceptions. Urination, no leaks. We have no association with leakin’. Remember we’re grownups here.
Yes, you can count on us to lead the righteous life. We have been steadfast in our moral relativeness and our relative moralness. We good (smirks).
Still, them press people keep haranguin’ us, asking the same questions over and over. Why should I care about them lowdown varmints going after my delicate little Turdblossom and Dick’s Scooter? My God, how could a Scooter be up to no good? Just not possible.
They keep badgerin’ us about high crimes and misdemeanors. Harumph, gotta be thinking of the scoundrel here before me. Violation of the pubic trust. Yep. Big time. We don’t do pubic scatology here. I used to get a letter or two years ago but I put a stop to it. See, see, I’m a leader.
But that Patrick Fitzgerald, now there’s a weapon of mass destruction. Hooeee. Gotta take him out sooner rather than later. We’s currently fixin’ up facts, drawin’ up papers and developin’ film of him buyin’ a yellow cake. That cinched it for me. He’s up to no good. Can’t afford to wait til a cloud of mushrooms appear. Bombing of him commences in one hour. (smirk)
Good night y’all.