In this issue (Cross posted at UNCONFIRMED SOURCES):
“DeLay’s Attorneys Push for Trial in Court of Public Opinion”
“Crisis Atmosphere at Camp David Retreat for President this Weekend”
“Bill Clinton Partners with Spongebob, other Politicians Follow Suit”
“Spontaneous Iraqi Election Protest Erupts”
(after the fold!)
10/23/05 DeLay’s Attorneys Push for Trial in Court of Public Opinion
Austin, Tx (UPSI) – Attorneys Dick DeGuerin and Richard P. Keeton, representing Tom Delay in his money laundering case in Texas filed a surprise motion this weekend with judge Bob Perkins who is currently hearing the case. This motion was in addition to their motion requesting Judge Perkins’ removal from the case for political reasons filed earlier this week. The new motion cited the need for abandoning the legal system altogether, in this particular situation, and instead having the case decided expeditiously by “The Court of Public Opinion”.
DeGuerin stated, “Tom Delay is innocent of these baseless politically motivated charges, and we fear that this action may be the only way to avoid a prejudicial persecution at the hands of the Democratic Party. Tom has done nothing wrong, and this is just business as usual in America. We are more than willing to take our chances in the higher “Court of Public Opinion”.
Keeton added, “It’s almost comical to watch the indignation, and lethargy of the Left over this. That very attitude was killing Texas and America in general, and was the main reason for the formation and success of TRMPAC in the first place. Under the tireless leadership and reform of Tom Delay we are on the brink of realizing the “Commercialization of Law and Politics”. A new, and better day is now dawning for corporate America. The movement is bigger than Tom and simply will not be stopped. Anyone, such as Ronnie Earle who persists in insisting upon letter of the law and ethics versus free market is doomed. We will continue to try to work with Mr. Earle, however, and we have every hope that he will eventually come to reason and see things Tom’s way.”
Tom Delay attempting to confer with prosecutor Ronnie Earle in court on Friday
When asked to elaborate on their vision for venues for the Court of Public Opinion, the defense team suggested that competing telethons were being considered, as well as a deserted island type of “Survivor” series if a settlement could not be reached. The series would pit Tom head to head with Mr. Earle in various locations. Commercial sponsors have apparently begun to scramble for a piece of the action as well, with Stanley Tools in the lead with a bid of $200 million to promote the series and “The Hammer”.
10/23/05 Crisis Atmosphere at Camp David Retreat for President this Weekend
Camp David, MD (APE) – The President and an entourage of his insiders this weekend left for Camp David, and an anonymous insider described the mood as somber. President Bush in the coming week is facing a confluence of events which may signal a fatal blow for his floundering administration. Enduring criticism remains over the administration’s poor response to the continuing Hurricane Katrina tragedy, growing unrest and dissention over the war in Iraq, and declining poll numbers. Many feel the situation has been worsened with the President’s controversial appointment of personal lawyer Harriet Miers to the Supreme Court. Add to this the the high probability of indictments this week of key Administration officials Karl Rove and Lewis “Scooter” Libby, and a potential second round of devastation to the Florida panhandle from Hurricane Wilma, and you have the “Perfect Storm”.
Miers accompanied the President this weekend to Camp David along with key insiders, said to include Libby and Rove. Goals for the retreat were said to be how best to deal with the fallout from the Miers nomination as well as how to best utilize the potential disaster from a possible catastrophic strike from Hurricane Wilma.
Whitehouse Spokesperson Trent Duffy stated, “This is just business as usual for President Bush… he remains on the job. It’s inspiring the learning curve that he has mastered since Hurricane Katrina. This is certainly not “the same old song” that a lot of critics are throwing out there”.
Duffy went on to state that the President was continuing to push “Faith Based” initiatives, and that this was also the focus of this weekend’s retreat. Final discussions occurred concerning a revamping of FEMA which will be rolled out over this coming week. President Bush has spearheaded an effort to end the crucifixion of FEMA over it’s response to Hurricane Katrina. The President’s Evangelical focus group has been exploring ways to make FEMA more proactive and sensitive to the theories of Divine Retribution in preventing catastrophe before it occurs. The re-vamped agency will be called BLAS-FEMA and it will explore ways in which the country may protect itself through mandatory prayer and eradication of practices such as abortion, birth control, premarital and Gay sex, and Gay marriage. Aide post-disaster would be channeled preferentially towards areas which complied with the new Federal mandates. Ms. Miers states that there is legal precedent for the plans.
Mr. Duffy further stated, “Already, this strategy appears to be working. With just the small focused effort of our little prayer group we have succeeded in stalling Wilma over Mexico resulting in it being downgraded to a category 2 hurricane at present. Look at the money that has been saved and potential damage averted as well.”
Governor Jeb Bush of Florida was quoted earlier this week as saying, “You gotta ask, why us…” in reference to the potential hit from Wilma. In a break from his brother’s strategy, Gov. Bush shortly thereafter elected to channel his “Warrior Chang” persona to deal with storm preparations, and was quoted later this weekend as saying simply, “Bring it on…”
Mr. Duffy refused to quote on the plight of advisors Rove and Libby, citing the fact that the investigation is still ongoing, but stated that this issue was a top priority of BLAS-FEMA focus.
10/21/05 Bill Clinton Partners with Spongebob, other Politicians Follow Suit
New York, NY (Rotters) – Bill Clinton announced today that he would be teaming up with Sponge Bob SquarePants and Dora the Explorer in a new Nickelodeon campaign to promote good nutrition in children. “The idea that health decisions you make as kids could stop you from living your dream is heartbreaking to us,” said Clinton. “I don’t know about Bob, but after two heart surgeries, I don’t think I’m going to have much trouble staying away from the Crabby Patties.” Nickelodeon Networks President Herb Scannell stated that thanks to the leadership from the former President other politicians and celebrities are clamoring to be included in similar campaigns.
“While we don’t yet have the rights to some of these cartoon characters, the campaign is really coming together, and we’re excited.” said Mr. Scannell.
“Tom DeLay will be teaming up with Sgt. McGruff the crime fighting dog to help children wrestle with the finer aspects and complexities of the law.” stated Mr. Scannell. “Mr. DeLay has offered himself up as living proof that ethics need to be taught earlier and more frequently to young children if we are to address the increasing rates of imprisonment in America.”
“In a campaign related to the Clinton/SquarePants campaign, Ann Coulter has tentatively agreed to a number of spots with none other than Fat Albert to help address the frightening increase in both Eating Disorders and Personality Disorders in pre-teens and adolescents. They’ll offer tips on responsible eating and dieting as well as anger management and gun control.”
“We’re especially excited that Karl Rove has anticipated that he will be having quite a bit of free time in the near future and has expressed an interest in being involved. Plans are for Mr. Rove to partner up with Tinkie Wink of the Teletubies in a series of spots directed more towards infants and toddlers. These spots will concentrate on when it’s OK to keep secrets from your parents and others and when to tell the truth. We hope, also, to address the issues of tolerance and acceptance of non-traditional parenting.”
“Most of those interested, at this point have graciously volunteered their time and efforts,” stated Mr. Scannell. “We are anticipating a much larger payout for them farther down the road as dolls and action figures hit the markets.”
10/18/05 Spontaneous Iraqi Election Protest Erupts
Baghdad, IRAQ (APE) – Protesters today within the Iraqi Green Zone burst into polling centers where the overwhelming Iraqi constitutional vote was being scrutinized. Concerns have risen over unexpectedly high “yes” votes from provinces which were expected to outright reject the constitution as written. These provinces are predominantly minority Sunni and some of the locations of the most violent resistance to American occupation.
The Iraqi Election Commission has stated that tabulation has been delayed by a sandstorm, but they hope to have all precincts votes flown in and accounted for by late Wednesday for an in depth recount.
Spontaneous protesters, adamantly in favor of the constitution were able to push past security and began chanting to have the recount and investigation stopped, and let the results stand. Police and American forces allowed the protesters to remain rather than risk bloodshed, as it appeared to be a peaceful occupation of the premises.
Adick Chenabi, one of the protesters, said, “Our country has been through too much. The people have spoken, and it is time to move on. We can’t continue to be held hostage by Sunni dead enders…”
Donali Rumsanjanni said, “Was this an ideal situation? No. Were there problems? Absolutely! Could we have done a better job? You bet… but you have to settle with the election that you’ve got, and not the election that you’d like to have.”
Saddam Bush, named by his parents after two of the most influential leaders of their times, stated, “I never read it. It was just too long. I’m protesting today because we need to have this so the economy improves. Right now, the only jobs available are to serve Iraq in the army, and I feel I can better serve my country as a civilian leader.”
Karel Al-Rovanni stated, “We’ve come too far to have this stolen now, with Sunni ballot box stuffing. It should be left to the courts to decide.”