Washington, DC (Rotters) – In a stunning, yet possibly calculated move, the President’s personal attorney Harriet Miers withdrew her name for consideration for a position on the US Supreme Court. At approximately 8:30 this morning she submitted to President Bush personally a one page letter requesting that she be removed from consideration for the nomination. White House sources stated that this was a completely personal decision, but it comes amid the controversy of her very recommendation by the President as well as the highly likely indictments of administration officials I. Lewis “Scooter” Libby and Karl Rove as early as tomorrow morning in regards to the Valerie Plame affair.
(4 more Tales from the Oiligarchy after the fold!)
Cross posted at UNCONFIRMED SOURCES
The nomination of Ms. Miers was controversial from the outset and succeeded in alienating a large portion of the President’s conservative Republican base, while unnerving and eliciting no real support from the Democratic minority. The Bush Administration was immediately dogged by accusations of cronyism by both parties. Information from anonymous White House sources indicated that this may have been a very calculated move to retain the services of Ms. Miers as White House Counsel in light of the impending indictments tomorrow. It has been a real puzzle to many experts over just why this nomination has been so disturbing in addition to Ms. Miers lack of qualifications.
Ms. Miers gave a short speech to reporters present this morning in which she pledged her continued loyalty and service to Mr. Bush. Ms. Miers appeared serious, and perhaps a bit saddened and angry throughout the presentation, while President Bush appeared relieved, and almost happy.
The White House refused further comment as Ms. Miers was spirited away, ostensibly to deal with events breaking tomorrow.
10/27/05 Bush Takes Blame for Slow Wilma Aid, Punched by His Brother
Miami, FL (APE) – President Bush flew into Miami today to personally assess the damage in the Wake of Hurricane Wilma. After disembarking from Air Force One, he gave an impromptu speech to gathered reporters with his brother Governor Jeb Bush present in which he personally accepted the blame for the slow response of assistance after the storm. Governor Bush then became enraged as apparently the President had not realized that he had laid claim to the blame himself in an interview on the previous day. Heated words, largely unintelligible, were exchanged and to the shock of the Press in attendance, Governor Bush landed the first and only punch of the altercation.
Exclusive APE photo of Presidential altercation
The President dropped to his knees, keeled over, and was out cold for about ten minutes. Secret Service men immediately wrestled Governor Bush to the ground, and they, in turn, were wrestled to the ground by Florida State Troopers guarding the Governor.
The press was immediately ushered away from the scene, but not before APE photographer Yoseph Dood was able to capture an exclusive photograph of the punch. “Wow… “, said Dood, “That happened so fast, it was unbelievable… I just happened to be zooming in on the President’s face because it looked like something was caught between his teeth, and whamo… his brother clocked him!”
The Governor was temporarily retained in custody, but released a few hours afterwards. The brothers then continued on the days schedule of damage tours, photo opportunities, and prescreened visits with victims without incident, but the air between the two seemed strained to most observers.
White House Spokesperson Scott McClellan, in Washington, offered, “I think this is just a good example of the stress that both the President and the Governor, and all people such as doctors, police, and emergency personnel are under during a disaster. They all deserve our sympathy when systems can’t respond or are inadequate.”
When McClellan was asked by a reporter who was in charge during the ten minutes the President lay unconscious, Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice, who was also present, stepped forward and stated, “Well, I, of course, was in charge here at the White House. In the event of any terrorist attack, I have the authority to act immediately. The Vice President wasn’t here and was in the process of being rushed from his undisclosed location, and upon arrival, he of course would take charge.”
McClellan continued, “These are a couple of competitive, fun loving brothers, and this rivalry goes all the way back to childhood. The Governor just landed a lucky sucker punch, today, and the President won’t be fooled again. We are, however, beginning to have concerns about this “Warrior Chang” that the Governor keeps talking about.”
McClellan concluded, “We do apologize to the Governor for the mix-up in regards to blame claims, but we hadn’t realized that he had made his statement yesterday. We have been busy preparing strategies for the indictments of Scooter, and Karl, and that one just slipped under the radar screen. In the long run, there really should be enough blame to go around for everyone without anymore conflicts.”
10/26/05 Iraqi Elections Made Official: Iraqis Unveil Statue in Celebration
Baghdad, Iraq (Claw News Service) – The results were made official yesterday in Iraq, and with slightly over 68% of the population voting, Iraqis voted overwhelmingly to approve the American sponsored constitution for the new Iraq. Unwilling to accept defeat, Sunni factions scrambled to oppose further referendums scheduled for December. Spontaneous outbursts erupted in the street, with gunfire and a number of car bombs exploded into the air in celebration, unfortunately resulting in the accidental deaths of American servicemen numbers 2002-2004. People thanked and awarded the American occupation forces with a surprise group of statues on the outskirts of northern Baghdad.
With the aide and assistance of the American forces, a number of local craftsmen, once busy under the reign of Saddam Hussein were put back to work modifying a set of existing outdoor sculptures.
Before
Colonel I. B. Lyon, the liaison officer in charge stated, “Many folks just don’t know what wonderful artisans these people are. They’ve been building great things for thousands of years, and we’re happy to do our little part to compensate for what we’ve destroyed. We just offered some suggestions on what we’d like to see and footed the money and materials and they pretty well ran with it.”
After
Lyon continued, “It’s just amazing how this turned out, given what they worked with. The project has been a tremendous benefit to the local economy, and the residents have been really enthusiastic about it. They have enjoyed the statues so much that we had to erect some barbed wire barriers around them. So many people were beginning to swat the statues with their shoes for good luck, that they were becoming damaged. The locals have taken to calling it Mount Crushmore, because they can’t seem to get the pronunciation right.”
Local Muhammad Al-Badi said through a translator, “The originals were pretty spooky. It’s like the eyes followed you everywhere you went. Children just wouldn’t go near them. These are pretty much the same.”
10/25/05 Cheney Implicated in Plame Affair: Arrested Trying to Leave Country
Washington, DC (APE) – Patrick Fitzgerald today made public the findings of his nearly two year long investigation into the “outing” of CIA undercover agent Valerie Plame. Within hours, Vice President Dick Cheney was apprehended attempting to leave the country with a false British Passport. While reporters are still poring over the Grand jury findings made public today, apparently the Vice President has been revealed as the source of Plame’s true identity to his advisor Scooter Libbey who subsequently revealed it to numerous press insiders in an effort to defame Plame’s husband, former Ambassador Joseph Wilson. Charges appear to be pending for Libby as well as President Bush’s advisor Karl Rove as well for their attempts at covering up the incident and protecting the Vice President.
It was revealed today that the Vice President’s decision to out Mrs. Wilson(Plame) resulted directly in the deaths of two undercover operatives in the middle east who were linked to her undercover corporate position. Lawyers for the White House maintain that the Vice President was all along unaware of Plame’s deep cover status, and shouldn’t be held accountable for the deaths. This development elevates the Vice President’s act to one of treason, which may be punishable by execution.
The Vice President, seated, awaiting processing at a federal penitentiary
White House spokesperson Scott McClellan stated, “We simply will refuse to comment, because, as I have said before, this investigation is ongoing.”
After a reporter in the room pointed out to Mr. McClellan that the investigation in actuality had concluded with the release of the report today, Mr. McClellan stated, “Heh… oh yeah… Well, we still can’t say very much. Executive Privilege, National Security, Fifth Amendment, and what not. We will say that the two deaths in question appear highly suspicious and appear very likely to be forgeries. This Administration is very much looking forward to defending itself vigorously behind closed doors.”
Special Prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald displaying the phony British Passport to reporters
When asked to comment about the Vice President’s apparent attempt at flight from justice, Mr. McClellan explained that this was just a planned policy trip to Great Britain, and the passport in the Vice President’s possession was meant as a joke to the Administration’s staunch ally, Prime Minister Tony Blair.
Patrick Fitzgerald was asked for comment and said simply, “You have what I’ve got to this point, and it would simply be inappropriate to comment on prosecutions in progress.”
10/24/05 McDonalds Launches Exercise Campaign
New York, NY (Rotters) – “It’s what I eat and what I do … I’m lovin’ it.” This is the new campaign from from America’s favorite hamburger franchise amidst criticism over their role in the fattening of America. The campaign was launched in one of the busiest McDonalds in the world in Times Square, New York City. It also comes at a time when a potentially damaging lawsuit over claims that McDonalds contributed to a number of individuals’ obesity has been reinstated. McDonalds that the campaign will be spearheaded by a change in their commercial presentations, in which exercise rather than food will be featured.
Present for the roll-out was McDonalds’ Vice Chairman and CEO, James a Skinner. “People should in no way link our sense of public responsibility to the potential outcomes of these baseless lawsuits. McDonalds is simply ahead of the curve in recognizing and addressing the national disaster of obesity in America and the world.” Skinner stated. “Exercise is the key, and not the amount or type of of food you eat. The McDonalds of the future will be a lean, mean, exercise machine. The catch phrase for the next generation will be ‘Do you want reps with that?’ “
McDonalds’ CEO James Skinner poses with the company’s beloved clown Ronald
A number of athletes have already signed onto the campaign which is set to debut this coming May. They include Venus and Serena Williams, and possibly Wayne Gretzky. Also, an animation is planned which will show cartoon characters of a number of McDonalds’ healthy menu items exercising together.
Plans are also in the works for assigning personal fitness coaches to restaurants which feature children’s play areas with an eye towards pushing kids through a real “obstacle course” type of workout. Also, in the coming months, McDonalds will introduce Happy Meals packaging which will feature reinforced handles and false bottoms filled with sand to bring the weight up to one, two, and three pound increments. Young children will hopefully be encouraged to use them as dumbbells while they are eating and acquire early on the new “super size me” vocabulary.
Mr. Skinner concluded, “Our own research has shown that we simply can’t sit around like couch potatoes and leave the marketing of physical fitness to the likes of Nike, gyms, and equipment manufacturers. We are in the business of selling food, and if our customers feel that they can’t afford the calories, we’re doomed.”
