I originally wrote something similar to this for the 96 elections (my office ran out of coffee one morning), and figured I would re-create it for the current conditions. Enjoy!
President Bush announced today the invasion of Colombia. B Rubble, Ass. Press
Speaking in front of the Tom Delay School of Sewing for Underaged Girls in Mar De Plata, Argentina, the president spoke of the need to remove a tremendous supply of cocaine in the war on drugs.
“Narco-terrorism remain a problem for this great nation” Stated the President, “That is why our initiative is to replace evil drugs with beneficial coffee.”
More after the flip
Army spokesperson General Jessica Saldana stated that US troops would plow under all discovered cocaine fields, replacing them with coffee plants, allowing for a stable source of income for farmers. Coffee prices has nearly tripled in the past decade as demand has grown, as crops have been replaced by cocaine.
“We are going to burn down the [expletive deleted] cocaine fields and [expletive deleted] replace it with [expletive deleted] coffee. Anyone got a [expletive deleted] problem with that?”
General Peter Shoomaker, Army Chief of Staff apologized for the remarks of General Saldana, noting that “All we have left is decaf, and we’re getting too close to ‘pushing the button.'”
“Military coffee reserves are already running low, and disruptions in the consumer coffee market could create domestic disturbance” stated an anonymous army source.
President Bush vehemently denied the charge. “While coffee is an indispensable military resource, let me be clear. This is not about coffee. This is about narco-terrorists. Drugs are evil and the lesson learned since 9-11 is to attack evil before evil attacks us. And you are with us, or with the evil-narco-terrorists.”
Critics immediately attacked the President for trying to deflect his sagging poll numbers with yet another war. “There was no reason to attack a sovereign nation over this. There were non-military alternatives” said Howard Dean, Chairman of the Democratic National Committee. “This is not about narco-terrorism. This is about coffee and the proximity to Venezuelan oil fields.”
However, several democrats expressed support for the president. Senators Joe Biden (Deleware) and Joe Lieberman (Connecticut), praised the President. “we’re trying to cut costs everywhere, but we can’t afford to provide Kona Coffee or Jamaica Blue in the quantities demanded by our brave troops” stated Lieberman.
Biden noted that previous attempts to reduce military rations of coffee had disastrous results.
He may have been referring to the “Gulf War Syndrome” believed by some theorists to have been caused by an untested caffeine substitute, but denied by government officials for the past 14 years.
Senator Biden refused to elaborate on his remarks.
Vice President Cheney, speaking from an undisclosed location, expressed his support that soldiers would mop up the Colombian guerrillas in five years or so and nearly eliminate cocaine production. When asked about comments by critics, the Vice President stated he “would not dignify the comments of earl gray drinking, sinsamilla-smoking liberal elitists with a response.”
Unconfirmed reports are that Juan Valdez, former coffee industry spokesman, will be installed as the interim Colombian President. “He definitely has the industry connections to transform the Colombian economy from drugs to delicious coffee” stated a senior White House official, on the condition of anonymity.
Valdez, a Colombian peasant, gained fame as the face in coffee commercials in the 1970s and 80s, but has not been seen in public since that time, as the guerrilla insurgency within Colombia gained strength.
White House Spokesman Scott McClellan denied, as rumors, unconfirmed reports of a mysterious figure, wearing a serape and sombrero arriving at the White House for several late night meetings over the past few months.
