(Disassociated Press) Breaking News 7:40 PM EST Two tom turkeys pardoned earlier today by President Bush, and given a police escort to Reagan International airport for a first-class flight to Disneyland, were unexpectedly placed on a CIA “extraordinary rendition” flight to Jordan instead.
While the White House had no official comment, one very senior administration official admitted,from the side of his mouth, on super-secret deep background, that the birds have already undergone several hours of intense interrogation while in-flight, exploring unpatriotic remarks they allegedly made about all the chickenhawks present at today’s Rose Garden ceremony.
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No effort will be made to retrieve them, as burnt feathers, deep bruising, and herniated wishbones have rendered them “unfit for display at Disneyland,” our extremely senior source said. They join tens of thousands of other enemy combatants being held somewhere beyond civilization as we once knew it.
EXTRA EXTRA: In keeping with the holday season, and the new American spirit of unrestrained, worldwide torture, we present below the winning entries by Ms. Lynddie Blavatsky’s fifth-graders here at P.S. 911 (Girl’s School of Goth), in Peoria, who have yet again won our annual Thanksgiving Limerick Contest this year:
I raised my own turkey this year
It’s nearly the size of a steer
It was real hard to hatch it
It’s harder to catch it
Perhaps I should try second gear . . .
— Slender Chaos
So, you can’t stand the kitchen heat
Yet you cannot admit defeat
Well, just shout Ooo-rah!
Try some old Shock n’ Awe –
Hit that bird with some Willy Pete!
— Rack Baby
The leaves have turned russet and gold
The weather’s turned icy and cold
My pet turkey Fred
Is lying here dead
Gawd I hate to eat something this old
— Glitter Grrl
My father went off to Iraq
And he’s never coming back
A really neat guy
Sent to die
For Cheney and Bush and PNAC
— Latex Life
Drive around with that bird on your fender!
Shove his wattle into the blender!
Make him stand on a pail!
Make his organs fail!
Torture makes turkey taste tender.
— Dissin Grace
My Mom died in Baghdad last summer
Which is, like, a major bummer
Her Captain said, “Sorry
These remains are gory.
She was inside an unarmored Hummer.”
— Sorrow Serene
Contributions to our school’s Counseling Fund are clearly needed, and gratefully accepted.
