That is what the back window of a car said today. I saw it on the freeway on the way home and the first thought that came to mind was yeah right.
I do not feel loved. I know my friends and family love me. I know many people are upset about the election results on November 8th 2005 when Texas decided became the 19th state to say that Gays and Lesbians are second class citizens.
(crossposted at refinish69,MLW,booman,Dkos)
A portion of my soul has been stomped, beaten and killed by the people of Texas and 18 other states. I am despised just because I love in a different way. I am vilified because God in his infinite wisdom decided to make me different. I have been called “faggot” more since November 8th than I have since I was a teenager back in North Carolina. It is now acceptable behavior to attack me just because I have a pink triangle on the back of my car. So far the attacks have only been verbal but I fear that will change soon.
I have sunk into depression so deep I doubt there is really any hope of overcoming it. I plan to keep fighting but I fear it is all pointless and futile. The Land of the Free wants me to leave the country or get in the damn closet and live a lie. I have fought so hard so that young people who came after me could be out and proud. I stood up to the police when they would raid bars and try and intimidate Gays & Lesbians. Stonewall was not the only bar continually raided. I picked elected officials offices when they would not support ant-discrimination laws. I have written countless letters, editorials and diaries through the years to explain, discuss, plead and beg for Equal Rights that are promised in the United States Constitution to All People.
I know things are much different than they were 32 years ago when I came out at the age of 15 in a small town in North Carolina. I know I have had some small part in affecting these changes. I am proud of what has been accomplished. I am also scared as hell that it was all wasted effort as I watch the majority of the country decide we are worthless pieces of humanity that should be outlawed.
Too many so called liberal or progressive groups who should have worked with us in Texas and all of the other states, sat on their asses and watched as these laws and constitutional amendments were passed. They offered no help or if they did they waited until it was too late to do any good. It hurts even more to think that groups I have helped worked with on other issues did not feel the need to care or help. I feel betrayed. I have already canceled my membership in these different groups and will be asking my GLBT friends to do the same.
Yes, I will continue to fight the fight and hopefully see the day when this war is over. Will I ever get over the pain and hurt I feel right now? No, I don’t think so. I do hope that future generations of the GLBT community only read about these feelings and never experience them.
My Christmas present to myself this year will be a tattoo that is a tribal band done in Rainbow Colors with a Pink Triangle lined in black and the following words worked into the design: I will not go quietly.
I guess that the car owner should add an asterisk with if you are a white heterosexual Christian below. So much for acceptance. I hope that you can find peace one day soon. Recommended.
Oh, dear Refinish. I wish I could come give you a big hug, and a piece of my grandmother’s pecan pie. Now, food is definitely NOT love, I know, but there isn’t a good ‘nother way to express my sadness at your depression.
Your sadness is so deserved, a natural reaction to a terrible, personal blow. And yet it is so unfair to you to have to suffer it.
It is cold comfort to you in Austin (I think that’s where you are) to think that life for gays and lesbians is better than it once was. In our neighborhood here in the frozen north, many who would ordinarily be highly bigoted – based on their upbringing, on the prejudices in the churches they attend, on what they hear in the community – have learned to become accepting even through our lost battle just like yours a couple of years ago. Familiarity breeds acceptance, comfort, and finally, a degree of understanding.
Your tough, hard battle brought a lot of people into contact with the concerns of the GLBT community, and you didn’t win where that community is unknown, closeted, hidden, etc. But those areas are shrinking because of all of that work.
I appreciate your courage so much. It’s a courage I don’t have to have, as a straight person. But your example has certainly made life better, especially for those children who are just now facing families and friends and schools and communities who have never considered any possibility of their child being in any way different from their expectations.Those groups, who should be supportive, but who will too often be rejecting, or at best puzzled and confused. Their confusion is less that it once was.
There is, sadly, great cost to you in this change, that must feel like no change at all. But there is still great benefit to those kids, whose lives you are making easier. It is so helpful to them to know that there are adults fighting for them, caring for their future, and for their present lives.
I wish the cost to you were not so great. Please take good care of yourself in the next few weeks – you deserve some pampering.
here, and I know at DK and MLW too. And I am sure elsewhere as well. I’m so sorry that this burden is on you in ‘real life’. But good for you for speaking up and speaking out. This is terribly important…
Peace and strength to you. And some hugs…
Not wishing to back down, but to fight there in one of the worst battlefields, but at the same time, at some point, you have a responsibility to consider your own security, and if you have or one day will have dependents, their safety will have to come first.
Nowhere in the US is equal rights under the law practiced. Like health care, Living Wage, etc, that will come after the Patriot Act gets violated really hard, but in the meantime, there are safer places in the US for you than Texas!
Oh, refinish, it breaks my heart to hear you’re so depressed. Whenever I hear of how hard things are for GLBT’s in the States, I just want to holler, Come up to Canada! But I know leaving your home is not the answer.
I wish I had an answer. God, how absolutely blood-chilling that you have suffered so much more verbal abuse since the election results. That’s what these laws are really about: making it permissible to hate us.
Please give yourself some time, and some space. Look after yourself. Get some exercise, get a massage. Let someone who loves you pamper you a little. Go for long walks, listen to music, sing, dance, do whatever you need to do to exorcise the bitterness that’s invading your soul. We are our only resource, so we must treat ourselves well, with love and tenderness.
We don’t deserve the hatred. We don’t deserve the betrayal. We do deserve love.
I’m glad you reached out, by posting this. Please keep posting, so people can keep giving you support. You need and deserve it.
Love and hugs to you, brother. We will see each other through.
want to leave the States, come to California…and we’ll sit on the Sierras and cheer when the Big One hits and the rest of the country falls into the Atlantic (or Gulf of Mexico at least)… 🙂
My dream is that when Fred Phelps, Pat Robertson, James Dobson and all their ilk reach the Judgement Seat of God, they find Matthew Shepherd sitting at God’s right hand, and Randy Shilts sitting at God’s left hand, and that Matthew and Randy are allowed to pass judgement on the haters…
Thinking seriously about transfereing with the company In work for in a year or so to their california office. It would be in Sacramento. I lived in SF for 8 years and would love to go back there but can not afford it. LOL
Thank you all. I would post to each one like usual but it is hard to type as I sit here crying. The tears are tears of frustration but also tears of appreciation to realize I am not totally alone. I have known this all the time but sometimes just hearing or reading the kind comments do help more than you will ever know.
Moving is not an option. I have a good job with great benefits. I will at least move over into Austin itself when my lease runs out and get out of the smaller community I live in now. This really sucks to have two years in a row where I can not really find any reason to be thankful on Thanksgiving.
My foster Mom’s father had a bad stroke in his 80’s. He lived several more years, but bedridden and rarely lucid. He was living with my aunt, but he slept at irregular intervals, so Mom and another aunt would take turns staying with him through the night so my aunt could get some sleep. (Even though Mom was in her 60’s herself and still working full time.)
One night as she drowsed in the chair by his bedside, she awoke to hear Granddad demanding, “Earlene! Earlene! DO YOU LOVE ME?!!”
She said, “Of course I do, Daddy. You know that.”
He answered, calm now, “I know you love me. I just needed to hear you say you did.”
I love you refinish, and I’m grateful for your fight – even though I seem to be irretrievably heterosexual (though some days . . . when Men! are aggravating the hell out of me I wish I’d been born otherwise).
You are fighting for all of us who are longing for love to triumph over hate.
Big hug to you next time I see you.
Thank you so much
The first hope is for you that you will find a community where you feel comfortable, accepted, and cared for. There are a lot of great Austin bloggers (like Twistyfaster, Amanda Marcotte, Norbizness, Drublood) whose comments about Austin make me think that such places exist. Texas is not likely to change any time soon but being in a companionable place would help mitigate that.
The second hope is for the future and changing attitudes and I offer my mother and mother-in-law as evidence that it will happen. Both women are in their mid-eighties and both over the last ten years or so have become staunch supporters of all GLBT rights including SSM. If two elderly women who live in midwestern red states can change their minds and hearts, there really is hope for the future.
Refinish,
I…first, thank you for sharing your feelings here.
I cannot speak to how you feel specifically because I have never had to face the kind of hatred and feelings of isolation and hopelessness that you do.
By definition you must be an extraordinarily strong person for having come through such adversity. I truly hope that you never feel that everything is pointless. Your presence here proves that to be untrue…you are most definetily loved here. I for one am greatful for you and all of us here.
Here’s hoping that one day our society will become wise and human enough to embrace all of us.
Until then….keep posting and reaching out. We are here and we love you.
Dear One, you are loved and cherished and needed.
I’ve been thinking about a tattoo as well. A peace sign. Not sure. ….
Faggot,
Liberal Nazi
Retard…
So much hate in this “land of the free” huh?
But please know that I see you for what you are: A Human Caring
Term, Human Carin, taken from the mouth of my young daughter.
Love and best wishes, your friend – Janet, Damnit
Peace sign Tattoo :o)
DJ…now I know you are my sister :o) I’m getting a Peace sign tattoo as a gift from my wife next month.
Love to you and your family Janet
It’s gonna be a part of my inspiration to drop some of this weight I logged on when I quit smoking.
Where are you getting yours? I’m thinking of my bicep area (reason to get rid of the flab) 🙂
I love you, too, Supersoling! Peace to you and yours – then spread it around 🙂
Remember… peace is priceless and we all can spread it around. 🙂
gawd… I miss you guys! But you’re always “here” with me.
Well…I was thinking of putting it smack in the middle of my forehead so as not to be ambiguous ;o)
Actually it’s going on my right bicep.
Miss you too but I know in my heart I wiil see you again in some place when we are called.
Btw, please give my best to Ryan :o)
Me, too. But then I remembered this thing called “face paint” 🙂
Bicep it is then. I just want to make sure I’m firm so it comes out looking like an ‘O’ and not an egg. 🙂
Probably will go with blues “Azul”.
I’ll call Ryan right back now. He’s in Boston alone today.
Please know that you are loved, and that you do have a community. Right here.
For what it’s worth, you’re safe in these surroundings, and based on the writings from bloggers in Austin, you’ll be safer in the “real world” should you choose to move there. On the other hand, it truly breaks my heart that you don’t feel safe in every location you might choose to live or visit. Something is terribly, terribly wrong with that, and my heart goes out to you.
In this day and age, as we’re rounding the corner into 2006 – I simply cannot comprehend the anti-gay hatred that continues to exist and prosper. (Why the hell isn’t marriage – between two people of ANY orientation – the personal business of ONLY the two people being married and ONLY the minister conducting the service? Maybe I’m just ignorant, but I really don’t understand why the effing government injected itself into such personal matters!) I naively thought our society was advancing beyond such reprehensible discrimination. At least that’s what I thought until a cold Tuesday night, in November of 2002.
I remember that night with such clarity, the night I discovered that the citizens of MI had voted in favor of an anti-gay rights amendment. And while I remember very little of the election results, I distinctly recall openly weeping in disbelief when I heard of that vote in MI.
Republicans in Minnesota have everything lined up for a similar vote in the 2006 state elections – in hopes of ridding our state of gay rights. On the surface, the legislation might read as though it’s “merely” eliminating SSM, but when you pay closer attention to the details, it seems to be setting the foundation to eliminate ALL gay rights – including employment. A Republican state senator from MN was so distressed by the legislation that he voted against it. And while he was voicing his concerns about the legislation – he also came out as being gay. (In case you’re interested, I’ve attached the following related article from Raw Story.)
http://rawstory.com/exclusives/byrne/paul_koering_minnesota_comes_out_413.htm
The following link, from the Minnesota Human Rights Commission, demonstrates that actions are in the works against this appalling amendment:
http://www.morrismn.org/mhrc/files/letter.pdf
I just wanted to share a couple items that reflect potential hope. You have captured the attention of many individuals who genuinely care about you, and again – please know that YES, you most certainly are loved. . .
And with that, I’d like to wish you a fabulous Thanksgiving!
Brother refinished, you are certainly loved and admired in my heart.
It has been a long journey. It has been a difficult journey. Our hearts have been broken and crushed many times over the years of our struggle for some measure of equality.
The battles of the 1950’s seem eerily familiar today. I remember the voices of hatred raised then, the physical violence that ensued and often from the police whom we naively thought were protectors of all citizens. Whatever our differences, heteros and gays, it is stunning and sickening that there are those who think their judgments of us is a license to do physical harm, a license to kill.
I have stood with you in many battles, even though we have never met. The current climate is indeed worrisome. But I have put in my 65 years here; there have been had many wonderful and happy elements in those years. But I will stand at the front of the line now, and they can attempt to silence me, to still my voice, to break my heart yet again, to strike the elder woman who embodies the focus of their hatred, yes, to kill me if it pleases them. But I will stand there and I will speak my words, my voice will not be silent ever again, and I will take their blows, if they come, until there is no spark of life left within this body.
So take a rest from being on the forefront of the battle lines. Replenish your soul and let the love of all of us who love you and respect your integrity and actions fill and heal your heart. Then come stand behind me when you are ready. I will still be here. And I will stand at the front of the line. I will NOT be silent.
For this one day, see if you can focus on those of us who love you and care so much for all that you are and all that you have done.
My arms are open to embrace you
Love and hugs
Shirl
Shirl, you are so special and unique. We are all fortunate for you as well. Some maybe more than others ;o)
Peace dear friend
Shirl – Supersoling beat me to it.
You’re a truly unique treasure to us all, my dear.
Bless you.
From the bottom of my heart, thank you for these wonderful words of comfort. I have stood on the front line in many battles and will be back on the front line in this one again soon. I am sure we will be kicking off new ways to try and stop these jerks any day now. LOL