I am getting a late start this year but now the time has finally arrived for me to make my Christmas list. I have been a very good girl, except for some minor exceptions, and I hope that Santa will take notice and reward me in good measure.
1. First of all, I would like a new scandal to rock the republican party because I don’t think all of America is paying attention yet.
- I would like a Democrat with balls to announce a candidacy for POTUS. This does not exclude women, but he/she must exuberantly stand up for basic Democratic principles and speak truth to power without any bullshit and without fear. I think the country is ready for that.
- I want Arnie Vinick to win the presidency on The West Wing, simply because Alan Alda is infinitely more likeable than Jimmy Smits, if a tad past his sexy prime.
- I want Chris Matthews to shut up and let his guests answer the question. I want Rita Cosby to get a voice transplant. I want the FCC to force Fox News to change it’s name to GOP News.
- I want Arrested Development back. And Scrubs. And I want the networks to quit showing reruns every other week. I want Kelly Ripa to gain 20 lbs. I never want to see Paris Hilton or Lindsay Lohan ever again. Ever. And Anna Nicole Smith.
- I want God to issue an official statement, perhaps simultaneously on every radio and television station, publicly denouncing Jerry Falwell, James Dobson, Pat Robertson and the entire “Left Behind” series. I want him to tell fundamentalists everywhere to stop speaking for him and giving him a bad name.
- I want new lungs for my mother to replace her old ones with their 60-year buildup of tar.
- I want the Muscular Dystrophy Association to announce a cure and give my nephew a last-minute reprieve. His mother deserves that.
- I want menacing drivers who tailgate at 70mph to be arrested and charged with attempted murder.
- I want there to be a law in all movie theaters outlawing perfume. And while they’re at it, stop charging $3.50 for a coke. And stop annoying me with 25 minutes of commercials when I have paid $7.50 to avoid them. And turn down the damn volume!
- I want a pill to give me energy. And one to make me lose weight. And one to give me back the body I had pre-children.
- I want to finally figure out what I want to be when I grow up.
- I want to learn to want what I have. I want to stop feeling so damn discontented all the time. I want to stop being afraid to fly.
Santa is in the building (or the Hanukkah….fairy?)….tell me what you want this year, and why you have or have not been good.
