Over the next few weeks, the “holiday” season gets into full swing – with office parties, family gatherings and the inevitable, big new year’s eve bash. A quick look around at these gatherings and one thing becomes painfully clear: people drink more during the holidays.
This is the time of year when those who normally don’t drink, imbibe in spirits. It almost seems as though it is everywhere Drunk driving accidents skyrocket at this time of year. `Tis truly the season for getting drunk.
It is also the first holiday season that I will face sober…
Nearly three hundred days ago, on March 6, 2005, I had my last bottle of beer – a Sam Adams black lager. I had made the decision to get cleaned up, to get sobered up, for myself and my family. There have been challenges over the past nine months, some days worse than others, but the past week has been torturous.
And I haven’t even gotten to the worst days yet.
I know that so many who post here battle the same demon that I do, they face the same daily struggle to stay clean and sober. I wonder, is this time of year as difficult for them as it has been for me?
I thought I would skate through the season, as most of my friends and family know about my battle – I have been very open about my drinking. That is, until I saw a commercial on Sunday night, then again on Monday and again on Tuesday. This simple commercial for Sam Adams – highlighting their 18 brews – had me wanting to grab the car keys and head out to a bar more than any incident over the past five or six months.
Tomorrow night, I will be attending my office Christmas party. There will be drinking – out of control drinking – just like any other office holiday party. My good friends from work will be putting away the free booze while laughing it up and enjoying our employer’s hospitality. And for the first time, I will be sitting at that table stone sober, and I honestly have no idea how I will react to this situation.
This weekend is the first of a few big family gatherings for celebrating Christmas. Last year, I had more than my fair share of Molson, along with a few good friends, while the kids ran and played and opened gifts. Saturday, I will be there again, along with those friends and family, watching them drink and laugh and whatever. And I will be watching from the sidelines, doing what I can to stay clean.
Looking at the holiday drinking rush from the outside for the first time, I have seen how truly disgusting it can be.
The next few weeks will be tough, tougher than I would like, but I know I will get through it, because of the support of so many good friends…
Peace,
Darrell
are just some early thoughts on the next few weeks, jotted down on a Wednesday afternoon.
My thoughts are with you.
Is it possible for you to go to these gatherings with some type of focus, job or plan? Maybe you could volunteer to cook, be on the clean-up crew, share political limericks that make people vote democratic, photograph, play games with the kids…
I’m not an alcoholic, but I am quite shy and I find having a “task” helps me through difficult situations.
“preparation” task, that will let you leave early, that will be ideal!
I posted a long comment at DailyKos and recommended here and there. At big parties it’s easy to have a Seven-up or Coke in hand…we do it all the time and know one notices.
Go to the party, have a coke and some food, chat with the boss, leave early if you need to.
Know that you are loved by your family and by your friends…in RL and virtual.
I second this. Peace and strength to you Darrell, with love as well. You will be fine. You are strong. You know you cannot turn back now… as difficult as it might feel at times. You’ve got a lot of angels on your shoulder working on your behalf against the devil on the other one. Hugs, my friend.
Hey, congratulations on some major steps and insight into your life.
A day in the third week of November was 11 years for me and I can still remember feeling like I couldn’t make it 11 hours. Funny how life changes, nobody else around me remembered the day the past few years but me. The first few years brought a mark on the calender and a congratulations in advance until it faded into just another day sober, like all of the rest. I think that’s the way it should be, for me.
Find a healthy replacement beverage for the psychological and physical part. Find ways to relax, in advance, for the social situations. Although it will surround you, don’t let it invade your thoughts. I always stayed busy one way or another. In time, the feeling of deprivation is replaced with a relief that you don’t have to do that anymore and nobody’s actions can force you to do it.
Nice diary.
I think it helps to talk about it too, anytime.
If it works for you, look at the others with chains on that get heavier with more alcohol. Your chains are gone.
Enjoy the freedom.
Thank you for your post, Darrell. Yes, not only is it difficult to remain sober at holiday time, but it’s difficult to remain sober as a matter of our culture; certain extremely dangerous drugs are legal, well-advertized commodities.
The fact is, however, that none of the drinking people surrounding you this season will have made the decision you’ve made regarding the place of alcohol in your life; they haven’t had to. Among them, you’re of a different nature, a different category of being; your self-interests are different, your concerns are different. What you’ve done is engaged yourself on a journey of spiritual maturity — not by choice, but by necessity — that they aren’t engaged in.
Your place of celebration is different.
In a sense, your vision of the journey you’ve undertaken must be reinforced at this time. Tempted to imbibe? Walk yourself through it to the likely conclusions of a decision like this: what you’d do, how you’d feel, what impact the decision would have for you long term, how it would impact your family. Lead yourself back to the beginning. Would you like to start again?
Find your support, speak to those who know. Create a holiday season of joy in family, in serenity, in love. Forget the pack mentality; ignore the invitations of those less-informed; ignore the pleas of your lower mind. I believe you’ll make it through & have sincere reasons to celebrate the coming year, rather than begin it in the darkest of solitudes.
Way to go White trash! Take a step back from it all and remember it is a one day at a time program. I don’t want to sound harsh but it sounds like you are already setting yourself up for that slip. It is going to be difficult but your family and close friends(real friends)know of your sobriety and it sounds as if they support it. You are the only one that can make that choice.
Make yourself the designated driver for that office Christmas party. Who needs a DUI huh? Make sure the drinkers don’t risk driving home. You will be helping not only yourself but others. Won’t that feel great?
Family gathering? Allow yourself to be a kid again. Play with the children, help in the kitchen. I just know that for me I was willing to go to any lengths to get a drink and now years and years later I am willing to go to any lengths to stay sober. Try to schedule in some meetings during this time. The support will see you through. Keep up the great work. It is the hardest job I ever have had, this staying sober business but I promise each event that involves drinking gets easier and easier. I wish you well and if you need to chat email me at
alohaleezyatsbcglobaldotnet
you and I are going through the same exact thing. DON’T FEEL ALONE!!!!! I’m fighting this demon too and it is also my first holiday season (not to mention my father died on x-mas day).
Look, we have the power to say yes or no to that wonderful seductress of alcohol. But if we say yes, then it’s over, might as well have a case of beer. It’s hard, it’s hard for me and I can’t say that I haven’t backslided either. But man, you can do it and you know you can, deep inside you know you can! Because I know I can too and I am an alcholic. But I can’t do it alone, therefore I need friends to support me. Get to AA or friends who don’t care about alcohol – fuck the office parties, people make asses of themselves anyway there. No, keep sober, dude, really. You really can do it! And just know that you are not alone, I have the temptation myself as well. I’m fighting the same beast too, at the same time – maybe tomorrow you can give me some support and be strong for me. But right now, I’m here to support you. My email is on my profile if you need it.
Hey you! WTP influenced you to get help, didn’t he? So happy to see you here!! Peace and strength to you as well. And hugs, always hugs. Be well. You sound like you are doing wonderfully… I’m glad to hear that. 🙂
we all have to look out for one another when we have the strength to do so. That’s what the POND is all about!
It’s the hardest accomplishment I ever faced. I know you’ll make it through and if you folks want, we could keep a diary hotlisted by supporters and friends and check in on a regular basis for moral support and venting.
I think that’s a great idea.
….and then Alice, you remember Alice don’t you?
That Group W bench catches the most of the dedicated unrehabilitatable and overincorrigible prospects.
…we oughtta fit right in.
Hugs to you too sweetie! 🙂
Be strong, WTP. You’ve made it this far, you can do it. For your family, for yourself. Besides, you’ll find that being sober at an office Christmas party just points out how stupid people look and act when they’re drunk. 😉 Seriously.
I’m not an alcoholic, but I don’t drink, and I find that such parties are just not very interesting.
The suggestions about a Coke and doing some tasks are good. Another good drink is white grape juice with seltzer–looks fizzy, tastes good, not too sweet. That one also works when people are drinking wine at dinner parties.
I’m so proud of both you and Jeff Dem–you two guys have done very brave things this year.
I was thinking about this subject while half-asleep this morning.
It comes down to the First Step of AA: “I admitted I was powerless over alcohol and my life had become unmanageable.”
If you understand and believe that, you’ll be okay. If you don’t really believe that, you’re going to drink again.
I’m a backslider. I got sober for the first time in 1982. I got many one-year chips. I got three five-year chips. I was sober for probably 98 percent of the days for 20 years. And eventually I lost the First Step. I came to believe that it was really within MY power to drink or not to drink, that it really wasn’t all that big a deal (unlike nicotine, which was REALLY hard to quit, but I did eventually completely conquer it).
The last three years have brought many major life sorrows, and tremendous demoralization about the political state of this country. And alcohol, which is “cunning, baffling, and powerful,” has taken charge of my life again. I have a strong will, and I’ve been fulfilling my duties. But death and disaster is right ahead.
That’s the short version. The long version is serious. I was thinking this morning: yeah, I’ve got the First Step again. Time to really lean on the Higher Power.
There are some AAs who would think what I’ve said here is irresponsible. You probably should listen to them instead of me. But personally, FWIW, I don’t think it matters all that much whether or not you drink over the next two weeks. What really matters, IMHO, is whether you’re right with God. That’s what this is really all about. And while I think that’s the direction of the answer, I darn sure am not there myself, even though I have often led Third Step meetings before large groups of fellow sufferers.
Of course, maybe I should have just said this: Your post doesn’t mention AA. Go to AA. I learned that from Ann Landers. It works if you work it.
Good luck!
It seems that Higher Power is always ready and waiting for us whenever we’re ready. Those are some wise words you’ve shared here. I need to hear those ideals and don’t always realize it. Thanks.
I begun my journey on the path of sobriety 23 years ago, and even now I look back across all those years and am still amazed how different sobriety is from what I imagibned it would be.
It’s pretty much impossible for me to give advice about all this because each of us is different in certain ways and because advice usually involves some judgmentalism, and ideas of right or wrong or good or bad frequently have the unintended consequence of screwing things up, even when indulged in with the best of intentions. I can however, relate a few things that have helped me.
Foremost among these helpful things for me has been thr realization that, regardless of whatever else was going on in my life, regardless of how much pressure or disappointment or tragedy or euphoria, as long as I remembered that it was simply more important for me to remain sober than it was to drink or drug, I was able to overcome the urges and the doubts and the reckless desire denial induced urges to drink again.
The other primary thing that helped me finally embrace sobriety, warts and all, was, perhaps strangely enough, the very first and biggest obstacle I encountered once I stopped boozing. Basically, I had to come to terms right out of the gate, so to speak, that being sober was not going to solve all my problems and make me happy and productive and lovable. I got it that all of that sort of thing was up to me, and that being sober in itself might only help me have a better chance of pursuing those desires and goals with a clearer head and more realistic expectations.
It took me many many years to start consciously experiencing the beneficial changes in my life that sobriety helped nurture. I never relapsed, but I was for along time just to clever for my own good and managed to rationalize my way around all kinds of my own personal shit rather than just understanding that I had to own up to my difficulties and accept responsibility for them if I wanted them to go away, rather than continuing to blame other persons and things for my own misfortune.
Maybe this will be helpful for you and if so I’m pleased. In any case I wish the best for you and I’m pretty confident that if sobriety is important enough to you and you’re not in too much of a hurry you’ll find a way to achieve it.
Best regards,
Stephan
Congratulations on the achievements.
The other primary thing that helped me finally embrace sobriety, warts and all, was, perhaps strangely enough, the very first and biggest obstacle I encountered once I stopped boozing. Basically, I had to come to terms right out of the gate, so to speak, that being sober was not going to solve all my problems and make me happy and productive and lovable. I got it that all of that sort of thing was up to me, and that being sober in itself might only help me have a better chance of pursuing those desires and goals with a clearer head and more realistic expectations.
Not me. I was so pissed off and resentfull that being sober wasn’t better, at first. It caused more problems than it solved. I fell down a lot during that time. It wasn’t too long before I started to catch on but the first couple years were a roller coaster. Life gets much better if we hang in there and work for it.
I was really pissed too when I discovered there was no instant relief forthcoming, but deep down I knew that if I returned to the booze I’d die a premature and ignominious death, (like a car crash, being hit by a bus or something while staggering across a street in a blackout, or being fatally mugged). So I stayed with it.
In many ways my life is a lot more tricky now than it was back then, but at least I’m more cognizant of things and better able to handle the difficulties. All in all I’m very happy to be alive.
I think it’s natural for some if the alcohol is catching the blame beyond it’s actual damage. The newspaper wasn’t delivered any timelier. I didn’t have the extra money I expected to have. I didn’t feel better right away…just normal new sober pisstivity.
I won’t go into it here, only as a matter of respect in not hijacking someone’s diary, but the dynamics of the new emotional thinking required by the alcoholic’s spouse/SO is a fascinatingly tragic train wreck. That issue is crucial to understand for recovery.
Hey WW,…congratulations on the time rediscovered. It’s truly a gift. Same to anyone here I may have missed.
Thank you, rumi. On we go, in thanks for yet another day of relative sanity.
It was such a funny revelation when during that time the movie As Good As It Gets came out. That’s it! That summed me up. I was at that point when I realized I was trying too hard to make something better that was quite fine as it was and possibly as good as it might ever be. I scaled back the effort and expectations, not to mention the pressure I put on myself and it’s been getting better ever since. One day at a time.
Yes, one day at a time. Very basic.
Haven’t seen the movie, but I understand what you mean.
What I believe many of us with substance problems are looking for is the basically unattainable; the ‘ideal’ both in terms of circumstance & surroundings. Learning clarity of vision in terms of the actual, I think, is a good part of the process of beneficial change.
And with that, to bed. Part of my own process of recovery concerns the very basic fact that I do, in fact, inhabit a body that needs rest 😉
Thank you for sharing your experience, sbj.
I’ve been in recovery for about seven years; you’ve offered me exceptionally valuable & helpful advice.
Thanks again.
Thank you wtp, and everyone for talking about such personal stories. My father is an alcoholic, and growing up with that influence has really had a major impact on my life. Myself, I could give or take alcohol, beer, whatever. I have more emotional responses to it than physical — if that makes sense. Reading about your struggles and your accomplishments is really helpful to me, trying to understand. With my father, it’s something that no one has ever talked about and it’s always there – an uncomfortable presence. I don’t think he’ll change, and that makes me wonder what will happen to our relationship as we get older. In any case, thank you all again. I’ll be thinking of you all as we begin the celebratory season. Like rumi above said, if you need to talk or vent, get online and write a diary. We can help each other out in this e-community we’ve created.
Olivia…I know how difficult it is from both sides of the coin. My father too was an alcoholic(never got sober). Being clean and sober for many years now I realise that sobriety is not for those who need it but for those that WANT it. I had an aunt that was a total pain in the ass, ruined many a holiday gathering that got sober at 72 years old. It is never too late. I hope for you what I experienced with her. SHe had two nieces that got sober before she did. Have you considered Alonon?
I can appreciate how difficult it is to see a parent go through that. It has an effect on everyone in the family and gives us more than we deserve to carry with us in life. Talking and listening has helped me to better understand it, especially in the long term as you question.
to all who have replied. I really appreciate the kind words of support you have offered.
I have also decided to skip the party tonight. There is just too much risk involved.
Good decision WTP.
You have to go with whatever works for you.
for an alternative — have a party at home, for the three most important ladies in your life. It’s your littlest one’s first Christmas, after all — you’ve got to dress her up in those frilly red and green outfits and take lots of pictures so you can embarrass her 16 years down the road when she brings home her first boyfriend… 😉 If you haven’t finished decorating, do something special with the older daughter, to add to her memory banks of Daddy post-booze. Or maybe rent a good sappy family movie and break out the Kleenex. Or if you can, find a sitter for the night and you and your wife go out for your own personal party. 🙂
Maybe next year you’ll be strong enough to attend the office party, and maybe set an example for others. But this year it’s about you and your new relationship with your family…make it count.
Blessings, peace and lots of love to the entire WTP family… 🙂
Frankly, I think this is an excellent decision — but one that you had to arrive at completely on your own.
Being a formerly active heroin/crack addict, would I attend any gathering where I knew these drugs would be used? No, I wouldn’t. Bear in mind that, in the circles I once travelled in, use of these drugs was as casual as drinking is to the greater population — so though we’re talking about entirely different social spheres & mores, the situation & its dangers are basically the same with regard to recovery.
You’ve made a good decision. Enjoy your night in a way that makes sense.
good choice
i havent puked in over 11 years…thats what drove me into recovery…im surrounded by alcoholics and addicts including my boyfriend (he just wont admit it yet)…it sucks cause i know exactly how to cure them all if they would just listen to me….
heres my advice;
you already know what beer tastes like yes?
its just today you arent having it…no big deal….only a few hours left in the day anyhow.
do a gratitude list
help someone else
look at porn….takes your mind completely off booze.
forget the first step….do the fourth….right now just go do it.
right now.
good luck hunny
I always wondered if all 12 steps were necessary.
😉 If I do #4, 3 times, that would be 12, right?
if you do #4 all the time you wont ever drink again….you will be too busy dealing with your issues
i cant tell you how many people i know are in recovery for years and years and they never do #4
the saying goes; 1, 2 and 3 may get you sober…4 will keep you sober
of course i oversimplify
although i tell my sponsees that step 1,2 and 3 can better be described as shut the fuck up and follow the directions.
and do step 4
of course i oversimplify
No problem. I tend to overcomplicate, so it balances out.
Drinking isn’t really that great. I went to our Union party last night and had, I guess, one too many cups of cheap white wine (which tasted terrible). I feel AWFUL today. And, really, what was the point?