My fellow Americans. As you know, I am president of the United States.
And, of course, you also know by now, I am not very good at it.
We are stuck in a war that we cannot win and which will never achieve any of its goals, not even the fictional ones. Except of course, Halliburton has accumulated an extraordinary amount of money, but tens of thousands of people are dead and tens of thousands more are maimed.
The economy is on the brink of collapse in part because I have undermined the solvency of the federal government.
I have not only stopped supplying critical services on the federal level, but have made it impossible for states or local jurisdictions to provide them as well.
The laws and tax codes have been re-arranged to ensure that those who work hardest to stay alive contribute much of their labor to the wealthy.
In fact I recently heard some funny story about a fella, some mexican man, who picked all kinds of beans. It seems he was some sort of bean-picker. (Pause for laughter.) Anyway, he found out how much the CEO of delHombre Corporation was earning, and mi amigo figured out, based on the CEO’s salary, that he was getting paid for one hour of work each year, and donating the rest of his time to delHombre. So the next day, the Mexican works for one hour, then spends the rest of the day, 12 more hours, telling the other bean-pickers what he figured out. The next day, eight of those Mexican guys, actually three were women and one was a girl, work only one hour. So they got deported under the Patriot Act. Except the first guy. He’s at Guantanamo. (Pause for laughter.)
We are headed toward a constitutional crisis. I have openly declared that I am above the law.
Torture is now legal to use against those I declare enemies.
Some of my closest aides have committed treasonous acts.
The United States in no longer respected in any corner of the world, and reviled in many places.
Science is no longer taught in science classes.
A system is in place that allows election results to be falsified without penalty.
Journalists are paid to promote government propaganda, and the rule outlawing this action has no penalty.
Many of the leaders of my party are under criminal investigation, and most of them actually committed crimes.
In any case, I am in over my head on this one. And no one seems to be able to save my ass.
So effective next week some time, I will resign the office of the Presidency of the United States. And I really feel sorry for most of you, because that will make Dick Cheney the new President. So good luck on that one.
As for me, I have thought about what I will do next, and I am happy to say that I will finally be able to put my Harvard MBA to use. I am starting a Television Ministry. Because I can pretty much assure you, Armageddon in coming. Next year in Jerusalem, my fellow patriots. And God bless America.
