Welcome back to political blog theater. I’m your host, BostonJoe. Boo veterans know well the catharsis that can be served here at political blog theater. Remember the unforgettable Bush War Crimes Trial conducted right here at the Booman Tribune.
And since the Alito confirmation hearings have been such a circus in their own right, for today’s political blog theater, I thought we could have our own Alito confirmation hearings. I’ll be playing the role of Judge Alito. So bombs away fellow Boo Tribbers, er, I mean Senators.
I’d plead that some of the old hats got the role of Senate Judiciary Committee Chairman. Maybe a Ductape Fatwa. Or a Blueneck. Or some hippie that rages. Janet Dammit. I don’t care. Really, channeling Alito, the Senate has its own rules (though I won’t respect them against the awesome power of the executive) so it is up to them to decide on how to play for the cameras and make me look mainstream, er, I mean, question me harshly.
The real BostonJoe is headed to a meeting with an independent film-maker re: Direct Actions. But I’ll be back sometime in the mid-afternoon. So if Senators get impatient and demand answers before then, by all means pick your own Alito for awhile. I mean what does it really take. Stuffed shirt. Probably a white guy with a sense of privilege would help — less of a stretch for the actor anyway.
Okay. I’m out. Fun people. It is 50 in January and our country has the strange smell of starched brown shirts. Smiles damnit.
Adios.
He looks a little clueless. With the potential to be vicious. Says, “Roe v. Wade, why the long face?”
Taps his microphone.
Any questions, or should you just end the filibuster talk (or the filibuster itself, as a check against majority power) and confirm me for the next 30 years of smacking the little people around?
Hate the show- (Alito show not the acrobats,) although there are some similarities like in cortortions comes to mind.
(Sing this to the tune of the Jeopardy theme)
Back in high school, you were a square.
Carried books and slide rules everywhere.
You scored straight A’s year after year.
They called you geek, they called you queer.
For everyone who laughed in your face,
here’s your chance to put them in their place.
‘Cause now you’re on a TV show
Where your big brain wins big dough. (bom bom)
(clears throat, then beams)
Thank you Judge for gracing us with your appearance. (chuckles)
Now I am not a lawyer so some of this legal talk just confuses me.
My primary reason for joining this elite club was salary and benefits, particularly the health benefits.
Having become a member of this club, my goal now is to remain a member.
With that goal in mind, my staff has filtered through all the faxes and e-mails, ignoring most, focusing on those that will impact my membership. They have noted a number of comments on your attire, particularly your tie.
Now my staff has carefully researched your necktie history.
I would like to know what has been the guiding principles in choosing your neck wear.
Have you been influenced by fashions of the day? Did you dabble with Nehru jackets in the past? And what do you think of collarless shirts?
Now I realize you will be wearing neckties in the future and so may not wish to expand fully on what you will wear in the future. I respect that. However, I believe the robes of the Supreme Court justices does allow a portion of the tie to be visible. So if you could address (chuckles) this very crucial matter of ties.
I will, then, with a very clear conscience – and complexion, be able to vote “yes” for you, just as I told you before these hearings began. After all, the appearance of integrity is important in a re-election campaign.
There is not much time remaining. So, Judge, keep your responses vague and broad.
Thank you. (beams)
Thank you Senator tampopo for your gracious and lovely meaningless and fluffy question.
I must say that the issue of neckties is something that I contemplate deeply each and every day of my judging schedule, and often during my personal life as well.
If confirmed, I will keep an open mind and apply the full judicial process to each and every decision that I make concerning neckties during my tenure on the court.
As this is an issue that will come before me as a sitting Justice, I cannot comment further except to say that I will apply the doctrine of “starry necktie-sis” except when I don’t.
I would like enter into the record a speech I made yesterday.
Without objection so ordered.
Good Morning fellow Senators, it’s a pleasure to be here.
What do you mean I’m a Canadian Senator and am not allowed to ask questions?? For fucks sake lame asses, I’d sure as hell do a better job than you…
Like for instance, I’d ask Judge Alito if he has a strange strain of alzheimers that only affects his memory on controversial cases that would swing the balance of the current court… and if that is indeed the case, how on earth is he qualified to be on SCOTUS?
A bit harsh you say… not at all… this is an appointment for life people!! (just like mine was to the Canadian Senate…) This is the Supreme Court! Even if Bush fades into the dust bin of history along with Pinochet… Roberts, Alito, Thomas & Scalia will remain… kinda scary that Justice Kennedy would become the ‘swing/ moderate’ voice eh?
Take your hands off me Senator Hatch! I will leave on my own accord, but one final question for Justice Alito…
You state that padding your resume (which you did with the CAP mention, since you now claim you had no clue what they actually stood for & with the job application for the Reagan admin regarding Roe, which you now claim you lied abt just to get a job) is a-okay in your books. So I trust if any plantiff who was dismissed from employment brought suit for wrongful dismissal to your court you would automatically rule in their favour since it just ain’t such a big deal… and hey, do it enough and you can get on SCOTUS!! Is that correct sir?
…. listen buddy I told you to take your hands off me, don’t make me go all hockey fight on you or anything… I’m outta here… you’re all a bunch of pussy’s anyway with your “oh I’ll let you off the hook this time Alito” bullshit anyway. Call me when you need someone to actually be in the Opposition.
Please Senator spiderleaf, you’re making my wife cry with your spot-on revelations about my selective Alzheimer’s condition.
Furthermore, your french-ified laws up there in Canada are not in any way shape or form ever to be considered by any U.S. judge in forming an opinion on our grandiloquent GOD-given U.S. laws.
Under my Unitary Executive theory, you will all soon become U.S. illegal immigrants when we invade your country and take your land under eminent domain in order to raise the tax base of the U.S.
I support Senator Hatch in his motion to declare you an enemy combatant and hold you indefinitely. Also, we intend to strip search you in private, without a warrant.
As for “padding my resume”, I have no comment on issues which may come before the court, except to say that I will keep an open mind when ruling against anyone who tries to do the same thing I did.
As far as I know we don’t have any laws governing french fries up here… were you hungry or something? You could have some Poutine if you want… it’s pretty good.
In terms of being a combatant here, sure, why not… now why you would want to admit you’re the enemy I have no idea… kinda makes my case for me, no?
I did not admit to being “the enema”, like you said I said, so stop saying that! As for Canadian pudding, or whatever it is, no thanks.
Sargeant-at-Arms, where are you? Escort this combatant to the nearest white unmarked jet. I’ll “adjudicate” him later – much, much later.
[K.P. playing role of Sergeant-at-Arms]
Err, Judge Alito, sir? You might have been too busy to notice, sir, but Senator Spiderleaf is a her, not a him.
Ahh, Err, Well – so much the better. We’ll send her to the womb-control office of Homeland Securification, straight-away.
Of course, we will have to adjudicate ‘her’ much more harshly, as the new Constitution calls for rigorous adherence to patriarchical rule-making.
And no more women Senators either. I guess I was just getting ahead of the game plan a little, assuming that she was a he.
And I might have to recuse myself from her adjudication, as I have no direct financial interest in the outcome of her case.
Judge Alito, do you support a woman’s right to make decisions on her medical care as it relates to abortion?
Since I am a generous man, I will allow you to take the rest of my 30 minutes to elaborate on your views. Feel free to use the entire time, as I am most interested in your views.
Senator Man Eegee, I promise to keep an open mind and go through the full judicial decision-making process when confronted with questions such as this one.
I cannot elaborate further except to say that I didn’t mean anything that I wrote when I worked for Ronnie Raygun except when I did mean it.
As for your specific question, I would like to focus on the phrase “as it relates to”.
Of course, reasonable people could differ on the meaning of this phrase but I would apply the doctrine of “stare decisis” and consider the weight of the previous interpretations handed down by the Supremes in the past.
Of course, if I don’t like the previous interpretations, I will just make up a new one that seems well thought out but in fact serves to deprive the individuals in question of any rights they may think they have under the old version of the Constitution.
Also, the phrase “medical care” means different things to different people, and the full meaning and weight of that phrase should always be decided by a judge (me), not a jury or an individual.
Please judge me by my record. 84 percent of the time I will rule in favor of government and corporate intrusion, but that doesn’t mean I have any pre-determined result in mind.
So, I hope this answer satisfies you, as it is as far as I can go in saying anything meaningless, er meaningful, in reply.
but you’re still getting filbustered. My constituents demand it and I don’t like the tie you’re wearing.
Please, you’re making my wife cry again.
And you must know that I support the “Constitutional” nuclear clear-cutting of any attempted filibuster.
Senate rules are meant to be broken when the final corporatist solution is on the brink of becoming reality.
And, the Unitary Executive will not think highly of you if you go ahead with your filibuster attempts.
I see detention in your future, but I certainly wouldn’t want to say that I would rule against you in such a case, because my I have an open mind, and I think you should go through the full “judicial” “process” before I rule against you.
not afraid of your nuclear threats. Pull the trigger. At least I will sleep easily knowing that I stood against your attempt to roll-back decades of progress for equal rights under the law.
There are road signs in your future, Judge.
Well, my recent testimoniousness before the Senate Judiciaristical Committee PROVES that I CAN PASS lots of gas, so your road sign doesn’t bother me at all.
And, of course, you will certainly have equal rights to everyone else under my Constitutionalisticalismic interpretations. (Unless you are a corporation or a part of the Unitary Executive Squad, in which case you will have lots of extra rights, but I can’t say that out loud – yet.)
Judge Alito wants us to call him “G-d’s Servant” from now on and orders that all hearing will now be called, “Inquisition”.
Nobody expects the Squeamish Inquistions…
UNLESS YOU WERE ONE OF US AND AWAKE!!!
That’s a great riff janet-‘Squeamish Inquisitions’…wonderful.
I’ve been miserable. But I guess I can take the coming end of the world with a smile on my face. Until the physically knock it off. Just getting back. And have to run. Great life (it is really a great life).
But I couldn’t have played it any better than Blueneck. And thanks to all Senators and Court Reporters. Here is what I’ll laugh about for awhile until reading this evening.
“some similarities like in cortortions” of Alito’s responses and acrobats.
Theme songs. political blog theater needs theme songs.
Senator I’m not a lawyer and this all confuses me. (Fucking Lindsey Graham irritates the shit out of me).
Stari-Necktieiteiss. See Doctrine of. Wikipedia.
Unanimous consent orders for other blog comments.
“go all hockey” on Hatch. Someone’s gotta.
Please stop making my wife cry. Ha!
Manny — that was way too much reality — I’m trying to forget we are losing our fundamental rights. 🙂 All right. You got funny later with pictures and all. Thanks.
I’m 84 percent corporate lacky — 16 percent nerd.
DJ’s recitation of the Alito Rules of Pleading: Title all papers “Inquisition.” Ugh! I can’t imagine arguing a case there now — staring at Him, Roberts, Scalia and Thomas. Four votes against any case I would ever consider taking in the first place. This is not a level playing field.
Out for now. Back for more smiles later.
Film? Tell us more!
Sorry you’ve been miserable. I have been too. But I thank you for the opportunity to blow off some steam in a semi-constructive way. Humor in the face of the accumulating dastardly evils is a much-needed release – keeps me from having a heart attack over Scalito.
I watched way too much of the hearings on C-Span. I guess that’s why I felt qualified to just jump in and have a go at it. Didn’t mean to do it, it just sorta happened. Something about neckties set me off. I was possessed or something. Like they say, when you look into the abyss, the abyss looks back at you.
Smile, dammit.
Thanks for taking the role blueneck. You played it well. Film news is this: Honest to god, my book was read by Bill Mechanic. I think that is his first name. Google him. He headed 20th Cent. Fox during great films like “Braveheart” and “Titanic.” I am told that “Fight Club” was his baby. Anyway. It made it to his desk. He read it. Liked it. Said he couldn’t make the movie at Pandemonium Films, his now studio. Compared it to Ludlum and “Bourne Identity.” Said it took twenty years to get a well-plotted novel like that to film successfully. So we exchanged a couple of e-mails. He was really cool. I was stunned.
Today’s thing was with an indy film director in Michigan. Kid came to a book signing a while back with my novel, all dog-eared. Read the shit out of it. Likes it much. Has great ideas for adaptation. So we are in the talk phase. Another production company is looking at it now (Hollywood, but small — not like Mechanic). And a scriptwriter who expressed interest. So, I’m kind of hanging in waiting to hear good news, and when I don’t, I may go indy with it and hope for a Sundance Film festival in a few years. Everybody’s got to dream. I like the kid though. Very cool. And that is the whole scoop. No real news. Just a lot of talk.
Thanks again for brightening up the day. I watched too much Alito too. And I’ve seen my fill of Bush. I need to axe the TV for the next three years or I will have a psychotic episode.
Adios for now.
Hey, the talk always precedes the deal and the deal sometimes leads to a real movie. I kind of like the indy idea. You never know when you might catch hold of an up and coming director who will ride your stories to the top and take you with him. It almost seems like it would be more fun that way. But, hey, there’s certainly nothing wrong with hitting the big time from the get-go! Anyway, good luck with it and please keep us posted.
I have to change the channel when preznit shows up. no more than 15-30 seconds of him at a time…
Ciao.
I love the indy idea too. Kid is cool. Would do it right. And it would be fun. But an advance would be nice too.