As some of you might know, I’ve got my own mysterious connections that gives me access to some of the most evil and vile men.

For example, here was my interview with Scooter Libby.

Dick Cheney.

Bill Frist.

Tonight I went even deeper into rabbit hole. Tonight I delved into Fort Meade — NSA central — to interview former NSA Director Gen. Michael Hayden.
Me: General, this is Carnacki from BooMan Tribune.

Hayden: How did you get this number?

Me: I bought it off the Internets. Go ask General Clark about that.

Hayden: What do you want?

Me: Well, first off I want you people to stop listening in to my phone calls and reading my emails.

Hayden: We are not spying on all Americans, only on known terrorists.

Me: You right wingers seem to have an awfully broad definition of who is a terrorist or not. And if they’re known terrorists, why aren’t they being arrested?

Hayden: I wouldn’t know about that. I just listen in on the calls.

Me: I guess we should be thankful for small favors considering how little you know of the U.S. Constitution.

Hayden: I failed political science and social studies.

Me: You failed ethics too, pal. I’ve got your file here, the one that follows everyone from kindergarten.


Me: I also know you’re lying when you say you aren’t spying on all Americans. I received an email from one of your agents asking me to spice up my life a little bit, that I was putting him to sleep.

Hayden: So what?

Me: So how would you like others listening in on your private matters?

Hayden: I’ve got nothing to hide.

Me: Really?

::plays tape::

Hayden: So I told her I’d buy the penis enlargement capsules, that I didn’t know it was such an issue with…

::stops tape::

Hayden: Where in the hell did you get that?

Me: From NSA. I’ve got more.

::plays tape::

Glenn Reynolds: Doctor, I keep wetting my bed after having those nightmares of those scary Islamofascist people.

Jonah Goldberg: Mommy, I keep wetting my bed after having those nightmares of those scary Islamofascist people.

Rush Limbaugh: I need a case of 10,000 pills. Forget that, send a tractor trailer filled with them.

Bill O’Reilly: [Censored for adult content and to avoid causing massive vomit attacks.]

Hayden: Stop it! Please stop it!

::stops tape::

Hayden and me: ::heavy sobs::

Hayden: That last was too terrible for any one to hear.

Me: At last we agree on something.

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