Good evening. I am Tim Russert, bringing you live, and blogless, coverage of the president’s state of the union address. He will be speaking in front of a joint session of the Congress, and I can assure you that money from Jack Abramoff went to men and women on both sides of the aisle. But only the republicans are willing to admit that fact.
You may notice the new security shield in which the president is standing. It is made of a special top-secret impenetrable plastic developed for just this purpose. Luckily for our viewers, the plastic is no-glare and can hardly be seen on television. The Secret Service had to deploy this new security measure because, I am told by an administration source who was talking to me because I am famous, the president’s personal terror threat level was adjusted to a new, even more secret level. The level is so secret, according to my source, that it would help the enemy if I were to say it out-loud. So I am certain there are prominent democrats who would love for me to tell but I won’t. However, I can tell you the president’s protection team calls the new shield “The Bubble.”
And here comes his honor, the President of the United States:
Mr. Speaker, Vice President Cheney, members of Congress, fellow citizens:
The State of the Union, both at home and abroad, is perfect. We have achieved many of our goals, and although there is still some hard work to do, I know that we have achieved many of our goals. And those goals are what we set out to achieve, in terms of goals. Now wait a minute, . . . ok, here we are.
You may recall in a previous speech I mentioned the Axis of Evil. I do not recall this, but my advisors tell me I meant it when I singled out Iraq, Iran and North Korea. And we have a one hundred percent success rate in dealing with these dangerous states, these rogue states. We now know Iraq is a haven for terrorists, and it is the place where more American Soldiers are being killed than anywhere else in the world. Iran is on the verge of creating a nuke-ular weapon and North Korea is, well, kinda weird. Ronald Reagan got them to tear down the Berlin Wall, (applause) and we can too. For the first time we have had fair honest elections for the Palestinian people. (applause) And I’ll have Condi on that first thing in the morning. (applause)
But I want to talk about something close to my heart, in my opinion, the political process. The Democrats have been opposing me on a lot of issues, including voter rights reform, hating evil, and the value of foreign life compared to that of American children. At times they are so against what I am trying to do to protect America, that it seems like they are a whole opposition party. And the voters gave me capital, political capital, to stop them.
The democrats’ latest trick was to use the rules of the Senate to stop my man, Samuel Alito for being approved to fill a vacancy on the Supreme Court. They call it parliamentary procedure. Well we can’t let them stop me from doing what I want. It’s in the Constitution.
So tomorrow I could have Vice President Cheney change the rules of the Senate so I can have my way. But I’m not going to do that. Instead I am going to have armed guards escort Judge Alito to the Supreme Court and they are going to pull out his chair for him and have him sit down. And those guards are going to watch his lunch while he works. It’s what I want and it’s in the Constitution.
Thank you, and God Bless America.
Welcome back to the studios. I am Tim Russert, with live post-speech coverage of tonight’s State of the Union Speech. With me I have my colleague Chris Matthews. What did you think, Chris?
Thanks Tim. I gotta say, that I feel like I am doing the halftime show of a game that is so one-sided, that after the highlights of the first half, the audience is going to change channels. I’m not sure most people even know that the democrats get to give a speech to respond to this masterful piece of oratory, and I’m betting that those who do know don’t know or care who Timothy M. Kaine is. And Tim, I gotta say, that when I see a strong man down there in front of the flag telling America how it is in the real world, a leader, a visionary, I can’t help but think, why does that man need to stand behind a podium? I love that swagger, like he had on that aircraft carrier in his uniform, looking all military, and powerful.
Thanks Chris. And now, for a boost in our ratings, we’re going to try something new. We have a psychic here who will try and tell us what effect this speech will have on the public, Jim and Joe six-pack, out there in the heartland eating a burger and hating homosexuals.
Welcome Mrs. Armalight, licensed media psychic. What do you see?
Thank you Tim. You may have noticed that Mr Bush did not gestured toward any distinguished guests seated in the gallery tonight. No purple-stained finger people. No felonious advisors. No potential figureheads of America’s puppet governments in the Middle East. That’s because in his mind Mr Bush sees those seats filled with the tens of thousands of ghosts of children who have been killed due to his callous stubborn nature and the policies implemented to fulfill his inflated and reckless ego over these last five years. These innocent children hover about him as a constant reminder of what he is. That is how he lives.
Well, um, Mrs. Armalight, I wished I had asked you what you were going to say before you said it. We’ll have to edit that out from the archive, huh Chris. . .?
