Washington, DC (Rotters) – President Bush strode to the podium tonight to uproarious and partisan applause from those in attendance. He was casually dressed without the formal necktie usually expected for the occasion. The president appeared relaxed and calm and to the shock of senators and dignitaries present he casually lit a cigar before proceeding.
Mr. Bush congratulated the Senate upon “doing the right thing” with its rapid confirmation vote and swearing in of Justice Samuel Alito this morning. He praised the body for what he described as a strong move for the future well-being and security of the United States.
“This has been a tough few weeks for our administration,” he stated, “but with the appointment of this fine man, I think we can all breathe a little easier.”
“Tonight, America has a number of things to be proud of,” he continued, “our economy is booming, the damage and destruction to our Gulf Coast from hurricane Katrina has been set right, Iran and Palestine are on the ropes, and we are poised for a great victory in the Middle East. While many may disagree over our need to invade Iraq and overthrow Saddam, we can be proud that his dictatorship is gone . The evil killers who attacked us on 9/11 are on the run, but make no mistake they will seek to harm us at any time and we must remain vigilant.”
The president then paused and began to speak on issues of security and surveillance of American citizens. “As you know, over the last month, our administration has fanned out and brought the message to the people about my constitutional responsibility to protect and defend America in times of war, and the constitutionally acceptable means of domestic surveillance that we have undertaken to do just that. It is with a heavy heart that I must tonight present to you, the citizens of America, the fruits of our hard work.”
At this point in the president’s speech armed Marines appeared and sealed all exits to the floor of the Congress.
“There is a growing cancer in our government which has been detected by our efforts, and this enemy must be eradicated.” The president then produced a list of 135 senators and representatives, all Democrats, and read their names aloud followed by various charges of treason, sedition, and providing aid and comfort to the enemy. Each senator, as their name was read, was escorted from the room by armed Marines, to the growing applause of the remaining senators present.
The president concluded, “God willing, this will be the dawning of a new day in America with full and complete trust returned to the executive branch.”
(This news release has been screened and approved by the White House)