Booman City (Dissociative Press) — Criminal defense attorney BostonJoe has announced a revolutionary defense strategy that he says will help acquit 100% of his future clients.
“The defense is simple,” BostonJoe said at a hastily arranged press conference. “It is being used by the U.S. Attorney General in Congressional Hearings as we speak. Simply put, all clients who are accused of violating criminal defense statutes will be pleading that they did not violate the statutes charged, because the legal advice they received prior to committing the ‘crimes’ said clearly that their activities were legal.”
The ingenious defense has been well accepted by the Congress, and BostonJoe believes he will be able to adapt the principles to serve his criminal clients. In essence, as long as the criminals believed that their wrongdoing was legal, then they will be exonerated.
“I don’t have to pay taxes to the United States of America,” said an unidentified man charged with tax evasion. “I went to a lecture where I was assured that our tax laws were in fact unconstitutionally enacted. Therefore, by not paying my taxes, I am following the constitution. The IRS can shove it. I’m getting this BostonJoe guy as my attorney. I heard Alberto Gonzales say that despite the fact that Bush obviously spied on people in violation of the criminal eavesdropping statute, he wasn’t really guilty because the Constitution meant he didn’t have to follow that law. If it works for him, why not me. Free country, right?”
“If I have any problem getting judges and juries to buy this argument,” BostonJoe said, “I intend to have my clients begin to testify by explaining how they are innocent. Then, when prosecutors stand up to question their stories, I will object by saying that they received their ‘legal advice’ in a priviliged setting, and that they can’t testify about that aspect of the case. I think I’m getting everyone off now.”
Update [2006-2-6 14:51:45 by BostonJoe]: The defense is already proving itself in courtrooms. At a first arraignment this afternoon, a client charged with Drunk Driving made this statement to the judge: “While I was completely trashed and behind the wheel, Your Honor, I was told by a guy at the bar who assured me he was a lawyer, that the general state statute authorizing the drinking of wine at religious ceremonies authorized my drinking and driving. I needed to get to church Sunday morning, and that meant I needed to get home Saturday night. And I’m sure that legal opinion was correct. So naturally, I was acting in full compliance with the drunk driving laws, Judge.”
The Judge promptly dismissed all charges.
I’ve had two religious experiences in automobiles.
One was while the car was parked.
The second consisted of two women nailing us from behind at over 75 mph on I5 when the traffic was stopped due to some crap uphead. I recall thinking, and possibly outloud, “Holy Shit!”
Therefore the religious experience loopholes do not require alcohol and a car.
Sounds to me like the first experience might have been the more pleasant of the two “religious car experiences.”
I’ve had my share of mystical car experiences. But I’m not talking. Must work feverishly on this new ability to eliminate criminal responsibility. Such exciting new ideas to explore. I love the Bush administration. While some would say fascist, I just say creative.
Have you seen this crap? Be careful out there BostonJoe!!! It’s just getting uglier and uglier and what with the Detention Camps for Political Subversives… with Halliburton getting the profits to build more… we’re so screwed.
Brutalized & Arrested in Cleveland for Posting “Bush Step Down” Posters
The following is a first-hand account of police harrassment and brutality against a World Can’t Wait organizer in Cleveland
http://worldcantwait.net/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=842&Itemid=184
I’m so glad they got that subversive person off the streets. We need to clean this damn country up. I’m so sick of these dissenting fuckers. Fucking wish that cop would have went ahead and shot her. You know she’s supporting the terrorists, don’tcha.
That is absolutely horrifying.
Brought back memories of civil rights marches. I remember the hatred in the eyes of those cops who swung their clubs and cursed us. The fear of violence was bad, the pain of beating was worse, but what will always stay in my mind is the vicious, bottomless hatred; that was the worst.
This is all just paranoia I’m sure, but I’ll share it. Just some strange things. That have happened in my life recently, coincidentally at a time when I’ve become an anti-war activist, and writer and speaker concerned with civil rights and the “war on terror.”
A fellow war protestor who spoke out with me at a recent Congressional event was subjected to a harassing late night phone call by someone angry with my comrades anti-war views. The caller used talking points which were taken almost verbatim from the Congressman’s speech earlier in the day. Just a coincidence.
Someone attempted to record a radio interview I did last week, where I spoke out about possible steps toward fascism in the current “war on terror” and how it is used to deny civil rights. The recording was interrupted by some mechanical/technical interference and only partly audible. Just a coincidence.
I spoke to a small group this weekend on the same topic. Everyone in the group new one another, for the most part. I didn’t know anyone prior to arriving to give the talk/discussion. One person sat silently for the entire talk and left abruptly at the end. Just a coincidence.
I’m becoming a coincidence theorist.
It’s also come to our attention that you forgot to change furnace filters this month and your color ink cartridge is running low. I figure the least they could is be usefull if demanding to be intrysive.
I get odd phone calls that ask if I’m still ok. Not close friends but some business acquaintances,…mostly Masons now that I think of it…heh…no, I’m not.
Oh dear…I just read from a reputable source (DHinMI) that World Can’t Wait is not a reputable website and people should not link to it to back up their arguments. I guess we should have a metadiary about commentors who quote disreputable websites. I say you should be banned immediately! /snark
Seriously, though, I think we will continue to see more of this police brutality. It even happens here in liberal SF.
Huh?
World Can’t Wait is not reputable?
Does that mean Harold Pinter is not reputable? Howard Zinn? Gore Vidal? Belafonte?
Imo, World Can’t Wait is the ONLY org I have seen that is responding in any appropriate way to the current situation. Was just reading their email this morning and thinking, This is really encouraging because they are getting the young people out.
Sigh. I do not miss the fh.
Mostly, I’ve come to the opinion that DHinMI is a disreputable source. Let’s have a metadiary on that.
hehehe.
I pride myself on being disreputable: what do you expect from a pro-terra-ist (i.e.,one who is for the Earth not against it).
Could you please forward a card for contact concerning future representation?
I would. If I thought my mail wouldn’t be opened, and you and I charged with conspiracy to provide support to terrorists groups.
on a serious note, people, I recently got an email from an address that claimed to be fbi.gov. (it said I should be advised that I was visiting illegal websites).
Any chance that it wasn’t a hoax?–I assumed it was and ignored it, but since my work often takes me to websites that would indeed be illegal in some countries (i.e. Nazi websites that would be illegal in Germany)…I sometimes wonder…
I figured if the fbi was seriously attempting to “contact” me, they’d have to give it a better shot than an email, but sheesh….
Joe, At the risk of alerting the NSA, are you at liberty to divulge the location of BooMan City? I haven’t been able to find it at mapquest.
I would say it is a place you hold in your heart. When they take you to room 101, Booman City is that place your soul retreats to when your mind and body can no longer accept the reality of your surroundings.
Oh. And I forgot my favorite one. Many of the hundreds of peace/writing e-mails I send these days get strange delivery messages back. “Your message has been delayed.” Just a coincidence.
I’m on multiple email lists via Yahoo. Some of my lists now have as much as a 6-24 hour delay before the mail reaches me. Interesting enough all of the delayed email is from a DailyKos related group.
Coincidence? yep – and I sell purchase options for the Golden Gate bridge. SEC – just kidding!
OMG I thought it was yahoo flaking out.
I was wondering why the C&J emails were so off. I almost stopped my sub to that group due to the infernal delays and some emails out of sequence.
I just signed on to the local codepink action and busy (chat) email list and voila those are delayed as well.
Remember Bushco asking for internet search logs?
Google wouldn’t turn theirs over, but Yahoo did not even pause for breath.
Missed you, Joe.
Can I put you on retainer for future actions? Or maybe you are strictly a literary lion now.
I’m not sure what I am, but if you’re ever in trouble, I’d be offended if you didn’t at least try to send me an e-mail.
I am back early. Well before my one week self banning expired. That’s the nice thing about self-banning. You can always give yourself time off for good behavior.
Thank you, Joe. Listening to AG’s testimony today I was thinking the same thing: the But I Thought It Was Legal Defense.
Picture these mutants–Rummy, Cheney, Gonzalez, Bush–sitting around somewhere cackling. Thinking they are smarter than everyone else.
“When they say it’s illegal–we’ll just say we didn’t think it was.” he hee hee
“When they say we didn’t follow the law–we’ll just say we didn’t need to because of Presidential powers.” bawaah cackkle snork
“When they say we should have used FISA we will say we couldn’t because…..
‘Oh I know–too much paperwork! Everyone hates paperwork.’
‘No, cuz we’re protecting ‘mericans. People love that. Can’t use FISA cuz it would hold up our protecting ‘merican people who we love so much.”
hhheee heee cackle smirk
‘Hey let’s say all these other Presidents did it.
Like Washington intercepting letters in the Revolutionary war…’
‘But there wasn’t electricity back then–in fact we weren’t really a country back then….
smirk smirk No one’s goin to notice that. All they’ll hear is ‘Washington’ ‘Founding Father’–yea W here is like the first President.’
‘He’s right, we smeared Clinton already. And that part of FISA hadn’t even been passed when he did the stuff. People don’t notice the details.’
general laughter and cackling
‘Ifn I sound like just any other Presdent they can’t say I’m takin powers. I’m just a victim of Democrats playing politics.’
‘Yea, that’s one of my favorites. The minority party just keeps us under their thumb. It’s all their fault.’
heee hheee heee bawahhh snork
`Oh, don’t forget to shake your head Gonzo every time they ask you something you can claim as `operations’. You know with that little smirk you do—like man I keep telling you guys and I’m so patient with you but you’re a bunch of dumbasses that keep asking’ smirk look you do real good.’
`Look, point is no one watches this stuff. We can get out the message that matters.
`merican people–as his highness likes to call them–don’t care about the shit in the details. We just hammer that we’re protectin them, keeping them safe. And these assholes are trying to get them killed.
General laughter, cackling
. ” Sheeeit that’s right, cackle cackle. Well I gotta take a dump. Rummy you got any more of that constitution toilet paper?”