Booman City (Dissociative Press) — Criminal defense attorney BostonJoe has announced a revolutionary defense strategy that he says will help acquit 100% of his future clients.
“The defense is simple,” BostonJoe said at a hastily arranged press conference. “It is being used by the U.S. Attorney General in Congressional Hearings as we speak. Simply put, all clients who are accused of violating criminal defense statutes will be pleading that they did not violate the statutes charged, because the legal advice they received prior to committing the ‘crimes’ said clearly that their activities were legal.”
The ingenious defense has been well accepted by the Congress, and BostonJoe believes he will be able to adapt the principles to serve his criminal clients. In essence, as long as the criminals believed that their wrongdoing was legal, then they will be exonerated.
“I don’t have to pay taxes to the United States of America,” said an unidentified man charged with tax evasion. “I went to a lecture where I was assured that our tax laws were in fact unconstitutionally enacted. Therefore, by not paying my taxes, I am following the constitution. The IRS can shove it. I’m getting this BostonJoe guy as my attorney. I heard Alberto Gonzales say that despite the fact that Bush obviously spied on people in violation of the criminal eavesdropping statute, he wasn’t really guilty because the Constitution meant he didn’t have to follow that law. If it works for him, why not me. Free country, right?”
“If I have any problem getting judges and juries to buy this argument,” BostonJoe said, “I intend to have my clients begin to testify by explaining how they are innocent. Then, when prosecutors stand up to question their stories, I will object by saying that they received their ‘legal advice’ in a priviliged setting, and that they can’t testify about that aspect of the case. I think I’m getting everyone off now.”
Update [2006-2-6 14:51:45 by BostonJoe]: The defense is already proving itself in courtrooms. At a first arraignment this afternoon, a client charged with Drunk Driving made this statement to the judge: “While I was completely trashed and behind the wheel, Your Honor, I was told by a guy at the bar who assured me he was a lawyer, that the general state statute authorizing the drinking of wine at religious ceremonies authorized my drinking and driving. I needed to get to church Sunday morning, and that meant I needed to get home Saturday night. And I’m sure that legal opinion was correct. So naturally, I was acting in full compliance with the drunk driving laws, Judge.”
The Judge promptly dismissed all charges.
