From Chanel4 News, London

Embarrassed White House officials last night admitted that the closure of the Russell office building was down to what they described as a “slight malfunction of the President’s lower digestive tract which did not require medical investigations”.

The incident is believe to have started earlier this week when President Bush visited Senators from farming States in an unusual attempt to persuade them to support his budget proposals. A witness confirmed that during the meeting “large amounts of pork were consumed” and that the President had visited a bathroom which had been especially set aside for his sole use.

Immediately after the meeting the corridor containing the washroom had been closed for redecoration. During the course of the painting, the bathroom was opened and what is described as a “noxious miasma” was detected. It set off detectors looking for chemical weapons. The substance falsely detected was “a nerve agent making the victims very susceptable to suggestion and causing long-term brain damage. The victim could have problems operating any vehicle, particularly those requiring balance, such as bicycles or Segways”.

Denying initial reports that an amount of “suspicious white powder” had also been found, a spokesman for the Department of Homeland Security explained that the agent was designated “RO/VE” and was not detected before owing to the redecorations. “The equipment would not have been able to properly identify RO/VE owing to the amount of whitewash in the area” he added.    

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