The Dead Parrot Sketch – ( the 2006 version )
Dick Cheney’s Ranch
Karl Rove walks in.
Karl Rove: Hey, Dick. I want to ask you a question.
(Cheney does not respond.)
KR: Hello……..Dick?
Dick Cheney: What do you mean by “Dick”?
KR: That’s your name, isn’t it?! I wish to ask you a question!
DC: I’m eating dinner.
KR: Never mind that, Dick. I wish to ask a question…about…you shooting a man in the face today.
DC: Oh yes, the, uh, the shooting incident…What’s,uh…What’s your question?
(continued…)
KR: I’ll tell you what my question is. Are you thinking of actually TELLING anyone? That’s my question!
DC: No. This is a non-story, really.
KR: Look, Dick, I know a damaging story when I see one, and I’m looking at one right now.
DC: No no…it’s not damaging. Harry is resilient — he’ll be out of the hospital in no time! Remarkable bird, the Quail, isn’it? Beautiful plumage! Bang! Bang!! (heh…heh…heh)
KR: Forget the plumage. You, the Vice President, almost shot Harry dead.
DC: Nononono, no, no! he’s going to be out of the hospital before the media gets a hold of this!
KR: All right then, I’ll phone the hospital!
Hello, doctor. What’s that? Harry just had a heart attack?
DC: There, that’s our cover — he had a heart attack!
KR: YOU CAUSED THE HEART ATTACK!
DC: I never!!
KR: Yes, you did!
DC: I never, never did anything…
KR: (yelling and knocking Cheney on the head with his fist) HELLO, DICK!!!!!
Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your nine o’clock alarm call!
(Turns CNN on where they are reporting the shooting incident and the notable lack of a response from the Vice President)
KR: Now that’s what I call a damaging story.
DC: No, no…..No, it’ll blow over!
KR: BLOW OVER?!?
DC: Yeah, just like the Valerie Plame outing thing.
KR: Um…now look…now look, Dick, I’ve definitely had enough of this. That is definitely a damaging story, and when I asked you a half hour ago, you assured me that nothing really happened today.
DC: Well, it’s a slow news day.
KR: SLOW NEWS DAY?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that? We’ve got the Katrina hearings, we’ve got these goddamn Abu Guraib photos…
DC: Oh! That reminds me. Did you get the 11×16 enlargements, yet? I’ve got to hand it to those soldiers! Masterful shots! Inspiring, really.
KR: Look, I thought about the different angles we could approach this story and not have it be a big deal, but then I realized something — You shot the man in the face. And you didn’t even follow him to the hospital!!
(pause)
DC: Of course I didn’t follow them to the hospital! I wouldn’t have had the chance to have this story blow over.
KR: BLOW OVER!!! Dick, you won’t have this story blow over even if we get W. to literally take a hot steaming sh– on Koffi Annan’s desk!!!
DC: No no! The story is dying!
KR: (flips through every channel on the T.V.) It’s not dying! It’s on every freakin’ news channel. It’s even on Fox!!
It’s alive! An escalating story, it lives! If you hadn’t nailed him in the face, we might have had a chance!
This story is the equivalent of King Kong rampaging through Manhattan! It’s Independence day — the movie!! We’re witnessing a damaging story exploding into a damaging story exploding into the end of your term in office!!!!!
THIS IS WORLD-WIDE TOP HEADLINE NEWS!!
(pause)
DC: Well, I’d better phone Rupert, then.
(he thinks for a moment)
DC: Did I mention I was drinking?
KR: I see. I see, I get the picture.
