Tennessee Guerilla Women got my vote for Best State and Local blog, and they deserve it. And if you want to laugh (or perhaps cry) check out their article on The Dire Problem of Dildos in Tennessee. It seems that this must be Sexual Repression Week. The wingnuts are feeling especially emboldened now that they have Samuel Alito on the bench, and we are witnessing a new push.

For unknown reasons, State Senator Charlotte Burks (DINO) and State Rep. Eric Swafford (R) have been thinking a lot about the activities going on your bedroom. They
have come to the conclusion that Tennessee will be a better place to live if the state regulates your bedroom by outlawing dildos.

Dildos today, mandatory missionary position tomorrow. We think it’s high time the Republican party considers a name change. We suggest the Victorian Party, along with a campaign slogan of: Vote for a Victorian, and Say
Hello to the Peeping Tom State in Your bedroom…

…If the Victorians have their way, it will soon become a crime to sell, advertise, publish, or exhibit dildos in this red state. Presumably “exhibit” is what happens when more than one person is caught in the vicinity of a dildo. The lawmakers are willing to permit some exceptions, such as the study of dildos by college students and professors. Were you looking for a subject for your Master’s thesis? Interviewing lawmakers on this touchy subject could prove highly stimulating.

And then, naturally, Gen. JC Christian has his own unique take:

I’ve prepared a few talking points to help you manage their interviews:

• Sexual devices cause women to have unreal expectations about men.

  • Some of these devices are 4 inches or longer in length and over an inch in diameter.
  • These devices stay hard all of the time, even when wrestling isn’t on the TV.
  • These devices seldom cause a woman to cry or vomit.

• This bill is not targeted at Bill O’Reilly.

  • Bill O’Reilly will always be welcome to visit Tennessee.
  • Nothing
    in this bill prevents Bill O’Reilly from bringing his ReamMaster 5000
    into the state as long as it is for his own personal use.
  • Although
    Mr. O’Reilly will be unable to buy a sexual device in Tennessee, there
    is nothing in the bill that bars him from buying batteries for any
    device he brings with him.

• I am considering amending the bill.

  • I’m working on language to allow Alpha Gamma Rho fraternities in the state to purchase one AlphaGoat with the Vibra-Bleat® option prior to pledge week each year.
  • I’m adding a clause that will allow for drilling in the Arctic National Wildlife Reserve.

I hope you find these talking points useful.

Heterosexually yours,

General JC Christian, patriot

When did the Republicans become the most anti-libertarian party in the history of this country? For more comedy, check out John Spragens take on the exceptions to the law:

Of course, as with all good public policy, state Sen. Charlotte Burks and Rep. Eric Swafford have included a few exemptions for responsible dildo-users. College students and faculty are allowed to enter the sex-toy trade—as long as they are “teaching or pursuing a course of study related to such device,” like Auto-Erotic Stimulation 101. Your doctor or psychologist will similarly be authorized to prescribe the regular use of a sex toy “in the course of medical or psychological treatment or care.” And finally, employees of historical societies, museums, public libraries and—wait for it—school libraries are allowed to traffic in devices named Thruster, The Emperor and The Horny Hare, provided they’re doing their official duties. That means the Carnton Plantation would remain free to put up that “Dildos of the Antebellum” exhibit Robert Hicks has been pitching.

It’s a strange country.