In all the discussions of rape, incest, and abortion there is always a concern that as women we learn to distrust and hate men. Most of us don’t. We love the men that help us heal, the men that believe us when we are attacked, the ones that stand with us when others abandon us. You are our brothers, fathers, friends, uncles, grandfathers, husbands, and just special guys. You are average guys to the world. You go to work and raise families. We know the difference and we sometimes in our raging forget to tell you that. So this is for you.
This is a tribute to the friends and partners and families that love the victims and survivors. A special thank you and gift of love to those that love us – just as we are and what we may ultimately become.
What you see – and love in us: Are you crazy or what?
- You are the caring cop that talks us in the hospital or police station and treats us with dignity.
- You are the guy that wants to beats the crap out of some guy that attacked us.
- You are the guy that gets really pissed that the laws won’t let you beat the crap out of the guy that attacked us.
- You are the guy that rescued us from a bunch of bullies on a school campus.
- You are the one that rages at the judicial system that puts the victim on trial.
- You are the guy that cries with us…and it’s okay for grown men to cry over our pain.
- You are so many of the guys that read these diaries…and extend a virtual hand to us.
- You are the ones that don’t look at us differently after you hear our stories.
- You tell us you like us – just as we are.
- You look behind the bravado and see the soft hearted person inside of us.
- You simply give us a hug and chuckle when the child in us stumbles and falls – and like an indignant cat – will look around at you as if to say -`what are you looking at – nothing happened – I meant for that to happen!’
- You don’t turn away when we need to rage against the world…you sit and let us rage.
- You don’t turn away when you get caught in the crossfire of our rage – you know that the rage isn’t about you.
- You understand that we can be stubborn and defiant – and you still don’t back down from us. – You encourage and support and nurture that defiance into a constructive path.
- You hold us when we cry.
- You give us space to cry alone when to be touched is painful.
- You make us laugh.
- You don’t understand the inner child’s pain but you nurture and care for that child when it is hurting.
- You don’t understand when something sets us off – and yet you stay close by with the touch of a hand, a gentle hug, a quiet word, or just sitting next to us until it passes.
- You don’t understand our hang-ups – but you work with us to work through them…or simply accept them if that is what we ask.
- You hug us publicly to show your love and support.
- You stand proudly beside us as we stand terrified in public to tell our story. You are not ashamed of our past and support our work…whether it is one on one or in a large group.
- You call us friend or partner or spouse.
- You treat us as you would anyone else. You understand that 99% of the time we are just normal people and you don’t treat us differently.
- You tell us you love us. No questions. No strings. No commitments. Just love.
Simply: love given and love received
You give us love and accept our love in return. You teach us that love is freely given…and grows just as freely. You teach us that when we accept love – it is easier to give love. Love knows no boundaries or rules. You have taught us to love ourselves. You have let us love you.
This is my gift of love – to those that love us: past, present, and future.
With all my heart and soul: I love you more than any words can say – and bless you for touching me with your love. With a special love for my husband of 23 years.
Cross posted at DailyKos
Yeah – I posted this at the other place…but this is home.
Super special love to Booman for letting us have a very safe place to write our stories and be ourselves.
Special love to supersoling…you made me care enough to write my two stories…and wake me from a slumber of complacency.
To all the other men in the Pond…big hugs and smoochies….for being here to support us all.
SallyCat, what a great testimony to the love you have for your husband. You are both blessed to have found each other.
Let me add my thanks and affection for all of the men here at BT who have listened to all of us and expressed care and concern and a real desire to understand and to make things better for the women in their lives, and indeed for women everywhere.
I was so touched by your story the other day about the abuse you suffered growing up. But I got there too late to tell you.
And now, you blow me away with your forgiveness and understanding and general warm-hearted goodness. Thank you, from me and the guys (if I may be so bold).
Your husband is a very lucky man. Good on ya, both.
Thanks, SallyCat. What a wonderful thing to come and read after being away from the frogpond for several hours!
You beat me to it! Saw it at the orange place first…recommended both places. I was just thinking along the same lines, only I am sure that you said so much better than I could have. Thanks for this. The guys need to know how much they are loved and appreciated too.
For all I admired their words, their wisdom, their hearts, I never knew that the ladies who have told these stories had such incredible courage.
My admiration has cranked up to a whole new level. That is the kind of bravery that can change culture, and change the world, and with the determination I see in all these ladies, not only to survive, but to WIN, to thwart the attempts of the criminals who harmed them to damage them permanently, to change the essence of who they are, or keep them from loving themselves.
This is what greatness is made of, and I look at to each of them differently, each of YOU differently, because now I am looking up.
{{{DT}}}
and returned it! {{{{{{{{{{{Cake or Death}}}}}}}}}}}}
😀
Awwww! I love it when they squeak! It’s so darn cute. 😉
You are the guys who are married or gay!
I love the fact that the people on this little pond are generally older and wiser and more civil. A diary like this is balanced. And appreciated.
I’ve known at least six women, plus at least two men, among my circle of family members and friends, who were sexually abused. And who knows how many others there were who did not want to talk about it, or could not? So I’ve always thought the problem was common, and this recent discussion surely confirms that.
With some trepidation I also want to mention that this recent series of discussions made me reflect uncomfortably on the question of whether I myself had every personally been sexually aggressive to the point where it may have caused some psychological pain. Definitely no rapes or crimes for me. But if you word the question that broadly, the answer is probably yes. There were times in my teens and twenties when I was pushy to the point that it now makes me cringe. So there is repenting to do. I’m in the group of good men celebrated here–but not without guilt.
I wonder what percent of American men are rapists.
Just one other miscellaneous thought. In the early 1980s, before I was married, for awhile I dated an incredibly gorgeous flight attendant that I met in a self-help group. We never got “involved,” but for about a year we were close, and then she moved to Europe. In fact, she told me the first time we went out that she wasn’t interested in getting involved, but she thought I was smart and wanted to be able to talk with me regularly while she was in D.C. I was not overjoyed to hear that, but I accepted, because I genuinely liked her. I never did make a pass at her. We went to a Redskins game one time, me in schleppy grad student clothes and she in a tight black leather suit. As we walked about, I noticed hundreds of heads craning to watch her. That was a revelation to me at the time–I’d certainly never experienced a single head ever craning to look at me anywhere.
She told me something interesting. She had been married a couple of times, and she was the kind of woman who got hit on many times every day–and she certainly didn’t dress to discourage that. What she told me was that of the hundreds of men who hit on her, she had observed that it was usually the ones that came on real religious who turned out to be the biggest creeps. Since I’m pretty religious myself, that really caught my attention. (She said she thought I wasn’t like that, but I’ve always wondered.)
I wonder if any of the women here have also observed that. Apologies if I missed a discussion on that recently. (And I sure hope I don’t regret this one.)
Yup. Creepy pious guys over here. I kinda agree with that one.
And I don’t think that you will regret this discussion. I have to say that I have really admired all of the wonderful men here who have jumped in and tried to understand. Takes alot of guts. Thanks 😉
Thank you. I can’t say much else right now, but thank you. And you are right. Thank you to Booman, to Super, to Boran, to CB… to all the men here. All of you, thank you…
Kisses and Hugs to you. Take your time.
{{{shermanesque}}}
I’ve been made a better person by the courage and wisdom and humanity of all you women speaking from such depth and with such eloquence.
Whlie not presuming to speak for any of the other men here at BooTrib, (though I’m sure all would agree), it is I/we who love and thank all of you for the exceptional radiance of your spirit and humanity.
Eloquently said.
We do love our sisters, and stand by you. Bless you.
Yes to the men that are in touch with their feelings and not afraid to express them, especially here. This needed to be written about and I thank you for having the insight to write it SallyCat! Much love to you. Much love to the outstanding men of the Pond. We all love you very much.
This was a lovely diary SallyCat. I think you hit all the points on that list.
Beautiful. Thank you, Sallycat. And thanks to all the men you describe and even the ones who are trying to get there.
I was just looking at the results in that poll and I gotta say…it’s kinda sad that you can’t say “No I don’t know a survivor”. Because it’s so fucken prevalent you just may, just aren’t sure if you do.
Thank you for writing this Sally – what a wonderful tribute to all the wonderful men in our lives. (One might not know it from the stories we’ve shared, but there are a lot more great guys out there than not.)
My only regret is that you didn’t write this a few months back, so I could have shared it with my husband on our anniversary. But, as soon as he comes home (from running all our errands and doing the grocery shopping, bless his heart) he’ll be receiving a copy of your diary, printed on embossed paper. Bless you for all the heartfelt words I’m about to share.
A couple observations from all the discussions:
Thanks again, Sally. Well done!
Remember that thing I whispering a few minutes ago? Yeah the 10 thing? Yet again I stumble across a comment that said it for me. How crazy is that in a hour? 😉
I would like to add my voice to Anomalous’ comment here and give Ducktape, super, and Booman and all of the other men some props. I have never seen such wonderful men, aside from my husband, reach and try to understand like you guys.
special hugs to super
{{{supersoling}}}
Anomalous,
If you had an email address posted I could let you know exactly how your words here have shined my world up today :o)
Thank you and…
Good Day!!
I can add my sincere gratitude for having met all of you men here iat Boo, and for the men in the face to face lives of the women here who have been present for them in all the ways Sally listed above. I cherish the validation that so many such men exist.
In my own face to face life, I have only known one man I could totally trust, and he died 36 years ago in the tenth year of our marriage. Otherwise, my support, and my “reconsctuction” was done in the company of strong women.
Sorry, dont know how to link. It may not last long, they’re scrolling off fast. Its called Southg Dakota Shock and Awe.
Fantastic diary!!!!
When I looked for some support… it was the men I found who were willing to not judge and actually helped me heal. So that I could get my own strength to face some of the women we all have met in our lives … who just are unable to support women through rape.
They are the ones I think who are so vehemently supportive of Bush Regime.