As I have read all of the stories of rape, incest and abuse here over the last few days – I have had a really crazy kind of response: “Why didn’t it happen to me?” Now that just shows you how sick our society is, doesn’t it?
As I thought about it, I realized that my story has the same roots, but just played out differently. And I think its important to see that objectification of women comes in many forms. So here it is.
As I entered puberty around 1967, I had to start taking birth control pills – not because I was having sex, but in order to regulate my menstrual flow. Most of you will know by now, that dosage in those days was HUGE compared to what is usually prescribed now. And either the side effects were not known, or no one told me. The result was that I IMMEDIATELY gained 30 pounds and found myself no longer fitting into the idealized vision of femininity.
Can I even begin to tell you how many times people said to me “Oh, but you have such a pretty face.” And all of the messages behind a statement like that came rolling in. Once a young man even told me, “Nancy, if you would only loose weight, you could HAVE any boy you want.” All of the rejection around this one issue became the defining identity of my adolescence. I was not “fit” to be a sex object you see – and that is what girls are for.
I have thought so many times as I read these diaries about a dream I once had. I have a sister that did fit the idealized version of what men want women to look like – and she was always “in demand.” In my dream, my sister and I are walking together and a man comes along and rapes her. He leaves me alone because I am too unattractive. There is a part of me that has always been grateful for the “protection.” But it is truly a double-edged sword.
So, for 30 years of my life, I lived in cycles of loosing weight by almost any means necessary, then eventually gaining it back – and always more. The shame of having no will power, discipline, whatever and feeling totally useless as a woman and also as a human being. The radar I developed was to be able to detect men who were going to totally dismiss me simply because of my weight. That means socially and professionally as well as sexually. It happened all the time.
And about 10 years ago – I finally broke free. I realized that it was actually the dieting that was causing me to continue to gain weight – and I stopped. Since then, I haven’t gained a pound. But more importantly, I’ve never been healthier emotionally and physically (all those problems with blood pressure disappeared without the stress!!). And maybe I’m just finally old enough to not care what men do or do not see in me – sexually or otherwise. I’m happy with myself – and screw them if they can’t see it.
In no way do I compare my experience with the stories that have been told here. There are times that being ignored is better than being noticed. Most of the strength I have been able to find in myself has come from that. But I just wanted to show that the effects of this culture we live in impact ALL OF US – in so many different ways.
Thanks to all of you who have told your stories. Perhaps this is the groundwork for a new kind of revolution – as we see how we got here and can begin to address some of the root causes.
