We’ve seen the awesome impact our shared voices have had here at BooTrib. We’ve heard so many men and women who have read them tell us how much they were affected. There was a plea for for us to spread these stories beyond the safety of this pond. SallyCat did, and maybe others I don’t know of. I wasn’t willing to do that, and I didn’t want to even examine why, when it came to posting at the orange place.
I wanted to keep believing the reason I left there was a totally rational decision to accept the invitation to leave, and choose to put my energies elsewhere where they were welcome. But this whole outpuring here has forced me to reality test this.
The newly discovered truth? While I considered posting my diary over there, I was afraid to now. Because what I did not want to admit to myself about the pie wars, was that they triggered off old flashback echos I honestly thought were long gone. I did NOT want to admit that after 30 plus years of healing work, I was still vulnerable to this. But when that viscious period of "piling on" hit, there they were, once again, working thier partcularly subtle and ugly magic of silencing me one more more time. Making me afraid long after I thought this stuff ever could again.
This is NOT about dkos itself. It’s about the kind of thing that happened there, and happens all over the place for women and always has.
It’s about the "piling on" of power, in order to silence and control. It’s about what happens when we are met with deeamining, disrespectful. dismissive, insulting, sexist attack when we try to speak up, all designed to to show us our place and keep us IN it. Just like rape, it’s not really about sex, it’s about power and control.
I simply didn’t want to feel, or deal with the flashback echos again, should I post there, or anywhere else I didn’t KNOW it was safe, and get more of the same. Dammit. Admitting fear is the hardest of all things for me to do.
When I allow fear to form my decisions behind my back, I give away a piece of my power. I vowed long ago to never do that again. I will not do it now. I will be writing a rape diary over this weekend, intended for the orange place, post it there on Sunday or Monday, and crosspost to here.
I invite all of you who feel ready to do the same, to join me. But only if you feel truly ready. That time time of readiness is different for each of us. Stepping out too far, before that time comes is not a good idea, and can make it all worse instead of better. And for those who do feel ready, please make sure your face to face support system is in good shape before you do. Also, if you post your stories anywhere iffy, please let us know, so we can come and support you.
I feel the pond people behind me and behind all of us, and I just need to roll on over there and retrieve that small piece of my power I left behind.
Special thanks to Duke, and to all you women and men who challlenged me to figure this one out so I could fix it.
