Casper, Wyoming (APE) – Millions of children worldwide awoke with tears of anguish and frustration and empty Easter baskets as they coped with the tragic news that the Easter Bunny was dead. He was slain early this morning in the predawn hours by Vice President Dick Cheney who was enjoying an Easter hunting expedition at a rabbit hunting farm south of Casper, Wyoming. The vice president had reportedly slain over 150 rabbits in the twilight hours before the incident occurred, and was packaging them as gifts for friends and families for their Easter dinners.
The owner of the ranch, E. Fudd is a longtime friend of the vice president, and most notably a $200,000 contributor and member of President Bush’s “Pioneer” campaign funding group. Fudd had this to say: “With the vice president’s and the White House press office’s permission, we decided to go ahead and speak with the press about this pretty early on. There was no alcohol involved in this incident whatsoever. As near as we can tell, the Easter Bunny had passed very near to where a caged rabbit had been shaken and dumped on the ground. It was overcast this morning, and the lighting was terrible. We couldn’t even make out the basket and colored eggs until we almost tripped over them afterwards.”
The local sheriff was reportedly investigating the incident. Witnesses at a local Easter vigil ceremony disputed Fudd’s claims that no alcohol was involved in the incident. The vice president was reportedly witnessed going through the communion line at least three and possibly four times late the previous evening, and another witness stated that she saw Cheney stumble and catch himself as he left the service.
“I think I know just how he feels,” said longtime friend and personal lawyer Harry Whittington. “This must just be devastating to have this happen to him again.” Whittington is reportedly flying to Casper to represent Cheney should legal complications arise.
The White House was contacted, and spokesperson Scott McClellan stated: “The president is saddened by this news, and out of respect, will be canceling the traditional Easter egg roll on the White House lawn which was to be held in support of gay parents this year. Regrettably the president was not going to be able to attend anyway. As there appears to be an ongoing investigation into the incident it would not be appropriate to comment further. The president wants to assure America that Easter will go on, and he urges parents to say whatever they have to, to help their children through this.”
Dr. James Dobson leader of the controversial interest group, Focus on the Family, offered his condolences to the vice president and applauded him for his heroic effort in stemming the tide of what he described as the secularization of Easter.
Update [2006-4-16 21:5:0 by bood abides]:This is a great song to go along with this story, written by Numerian at Daily Kos:
(Sung to the tune of “Here Comes Peter Cottontail”)
There goes Peter Cottontail
Mistaken for a Texas quail
Watch out, kids Dick Cheney’s out to play!
Shooting in the dimmest light
Anything within his sight,
He killed that bunny dead on Easter Day.
He’s not stopping at one rabbit;
He knows some liberals who
Deserve to meet their Maker,
Some retired generals too!
Oh! Here comes Cheney on the prowl
Searching for a spotted owl
And other creatures that get in the way
Of corporate donors great and small;
Republicans who one and all
Take ethics cues from those like Tom DeLay.
There’s a War on Easter, children;
FOX News has all the spin
But it’s sad to realize, it’s
The only war Dick Cheney can win.
Oh! There goes Peter Cottontail
Mistaken for a Texas quail
Watch out, kids Dick Cheney’s out to play!
Reuters: In a further development, the Tooth Fairy has been taken into protective custody.
And Santa has been taken to Gitmo.
Gee, I thought Santa was already taken to Gitmo.
It is reported Santa had violated US laws entering from the North Pole with gift wrapped packages for American kids without first declaring contents to DHS. Apparently Santa was unaware of the DHS APB on him, that he had to give 72 hrs notice and the packages should not be gift wrapped before DHS inspection. Santa and reindeers all needed visas and RFID biometric passports. Yeah, the animals too.
As a result, since 2002, several activists of the anti-Patriot Act, Bring the troops home from Iraq war, Impeach Bu$hCheneyRummyRiceChertoff movements have arranged stand-ins to cover for Santa during the Happy Holiday Season. Due to the policy of indefinite detentions the situation is not likely to change before 2009.
Update – Correction: Mr Fudd’s actual comment was:
“Wif the vice pwesident’s and the White House pwess office’s permission, we decided to go ahead and spweak with the pwess about this pwetty earwy on. There was no awcohol involved in this incident whatsoever. As near as we can tell, the Easter Bunny had pwassed vewy near to where a caged wabbit had been shaken and dumped on the gwound. It was overcwast this morning, and the lighting was tewwible. We couldn’t even make out the bwasket and colored eggs until we almost twipped over them afterwards.”
“The accident happened just after I told another member of our pwarty ‘Be vewwy vewwy qwiet; we’re hunting wabbits.'”
Update 2: A Mister B. Bunny, suspected member of the eco-terrorist groups PETA and EarthFirst! was found on the property by secret service officers and has been detained for questioning. The Secret Service officer in charge of the scene, whom we cannot name for security reasons, but who sported a large handlebar moustache and was armed, said “It is known that in the past Mr. B. Bunny has traveled repeatedly to the Middle East, in particular to Baghdad, once in the company of a genie, another time in the company of a Mr. D. Duck. Both are also being sought for questioning in connection with funneling funds to terrorist causes.
I had thought about having Mr Fudd talk that way, but decided not to… maybe I should have… : (
I am heartless. Read this to the family. My youngest was not happy. Older one gets it. Very funny Bood, as is your entire collection. Keep it up. BushCO = the parody presidency.
that the Power of Succession was immediately put into place by the Tooth Fairy… all of the thousands of elegible Rabbits immediately met and as evidenced by the puff of pastel purple smoke emerging from the rabbit hole, a new Easter bunny was elected and was able to complete the candy deliveries this morning with just a few hours delay… Santa Clause was contacted at the North Pole by the newly elected Easter Bunny and Mr. Cheney was placed on Santa’s “Do Not Fly To” list… The old Easter Bunny rose from the dead by noon and was soon enjoying a relaxing morning of tea and crumpets with Jesus, Mohammed, Buddah, and last fall’s Thanksgiving Turkey… Have them say a prayer for Mr. Cheney’s soul tonight…
You’re hilarious. All this will make her feel better.
The job of Easter Bunny has gotten to be very dangerous…. (Especially when Easter occurs in March, when all those drunk leprechauns are still tootling about.)
Doubtless that’s why the Power of Succession was created.
They’re always after me lucky charms. 🙂
Dood is nothing sacred from the fair game theory? But word around the ranch is that the VP thought those multi-colored eggs meant the EB was a member of the Rainbow Coalition.
“Censure Bush to Protect the American way of life”
How about this option?
“One day last week, a wire photo found its way into this newsroom as I suspect it did in just about every newsroom in the country. I’m also quite sure it never made it into any newspaper.
The undatelined photo from wherever it was our nominal president happened to be that day, showed a woman holding up a sign bearing the following message: “Will Someone Please Give Bush a B— J– So We Can Impeach Him?”
The message was a subtle reminder that it was a sexual act that got Bush’s predecessor impeached, and a not-so-subtle reminder that Bush’s numerous and far more egregious impeachable acts that have cost America thousands of lost and ruined lives and billions in treasure have so far gone unpunished.” [.]
Clearly, the issue has gone beyond the point where it can be resolved by a simple impeachment. Impeaching Bush would do nothing more than compel Cheney to come out of the shadows and do publicly what he’s been doing for the last five years anyway — running the country from behind the scenes. No, what is needed is a general housecleaning, from the top down.”[.]
(h/t: Commondreams.org)